Once again, our mole inside the Sensible Centre™, Sensei Bill (actually an Antechinus agilis), has given us exclusive access to a draft of this week’s informative newsletter. We publish it here without comment so you can get an insight into conservative thinking.
News from the Sensible Centre™
(Cartoon by Mark David / @mdavidcartoons)
[Editor’s note: Bill I’ve had to go through your copy again this week and change things. Please remember where you are and what your job is. Stop making fun of our dedicated security services and our fellow patriots. Remember, this is a family newsletter so keep the language clean. While your honesty is refreshing, it is not what our readers want. Please note my deletions and amendments before you send this out to our members.]
Malcolm teaches Donald a thing or two about alternative facts
The breaking news overnight that Malcolm Turnbull had to cajole U.S. President Trump into accepting a deal to swap so-called “refugees” is good for Australia and great news for supporters of the Sensible Centre™.
The transcript of the PM’s frank discussion with the President makes fascinating reading — but be careful, without the proper interpretation of the bare facts it is possible to jump to the wrong conclusion.
Thankfully, The Australian was able to get ahead of the game and put some very positive spin on what otherwise could have been a disaster for the Fizza our Prime Minister [Please Bill, leave our personal feelings aside, remember to write for the audience, Ed]. The Liberal Party shitsheet nation’s best newspaper moved with alacrity to have not one, but TWO columns on Friday extolling the virtues of the PM’s crawl up Trump’s cloaca victory in securing such a great deal for the poor souls on Manus and Nauru.
Once again, it has been proven that Mr Turnbull’s investment of $30 million into Rupert’s failing media empire was worth every penny in returned propaganda value to taxpayers who demand the alternative truth.
This is the best go at turd polishing I've seen from the Oz in a long time.
— Doc Martin Ph.D (@ethicalmartini) August 3, 2017
And, believe me, they really know the fine art of 💩 polishing. https://t.co/F3ct8FsGeT
Hey David.
— Doc Martin Ph.D (@ethicalmartini) August 3, 2017
I think you missed the point about the transcript, but nice Turnbull-saving pivot.
At least you guys are staunch for the #FIZZA https://t.co/a1BmPhbaMm
[Bill, I’m not sure quoting approvingly this communist bastard’s tweets is going to go down well with the audience. Please find something more suitable, Ed.]
Terror plots are never funny, except this one is
I’d like to begin this newsletter with a personal story. I am very glad that a plot to blow up a plane or poison a planeload of people, the police haven’t got their story straight yet, has been stopped in its tracks. When I heard that some Halal butchers alleged terrorists had been taken into custody because they were planning to take a kitchen meat grinder onto a passenger plane, I was relieved. As a small marsupial, I am just the sort of passenger that non-pork eaters might decide to turn into kebab mince. I had nightmares about it. I dreamed of being thrust into a Halal sausage machine like a ragged mouse and then deep fried in batter. I would be delicious cooked that way, but still I’d rather not be.
Twitter’s been making jokes all week about the so-called sausage plot, but thankfully we have the Daily Terrorgraph Telegraph to remind us just how lucky we are.
It was also very helpful of the Tele’s editors to include a handy map and the addresses of the Halal butcher’s family alleged terrorists in its coverage [I shouldn’t have to remind you about policy, Ed]. This makes it so much easier for the more patriotic members of the Sensible Centre™ to go around to leave pig’s heads on their doorsteps in the traditional greeting that we offer to our Muslim brothers and sisters.
Pop around to your Muslim neighbour's place with a friendly pig's head offering (Screenshot by @nigelparsons85)
It was also very helpful of the Sensible Centre™’s favourite Sydney news outlet – apart from Alan Jones of course (see below) – to point out that one of the suspects was a regular visitor to a Halal butcher shop in Lakemba.
This tells us three things:
- 1 the person is an alleged Muslim;
- 2 it’s likely he doesn’t eat pork products [
but he may eat small marsupials]; and - 3 The Daily Telegraph is a newspaper for
idiots andsemi-literateracists,supporters of the Sensible Centre™. [I’ve warned you, now stop it, Ed.]
It is no doubt disturbing to elderly members of the Sensible Centre™ that one of the alleged Halal meat lovers plane bomb/gas attack plotters was released without charge this week. He should have at least been charged with not liking bacon, which is unAustralian being an accessory to an alleged plot. We have written to the AFP on your behalf demanding that the gentleman be immediately deported back to Lakemba, which is apparently where he came from. [Twice in one par, this is unacceptable, Ed.]
Life comes at you fast! Terrorisms plot update
Glorious news, oh frabjus day! I’m personally very pleased that these mad butchers have been slapped with very heavy charges overnight!
All small marsupials can now stand down from “sausage alert yellow”. There is no chance now that we’ll end up on a Halal BBQ. The charges appear to be very serious, even though the AFP deputy chief Michael Phelan said one of the plots was purely “hypothetical”. It’s good that the meat grinder at the centre of the plot was successfully disarmed, it won’t be able to hurt any more antechinus or quolls.
The alleged plan was to put a meat grinder in a passenger's bag & hope they & customs didn't notice.duh!#Terrorism
— Mary Crane (@cranemary1) August 3, 2017
Why a non-binding postal vote is better than actual gay marriage?
The issue of same sex marriage (SSM) is dominating the headlines and sucking the oxygen out of Malcolm Turnbull’s prime ministership [again, Ed] this week. While we in the Sensible Centre™ argue that this is not necessarily a bad thing (all heil Sinister Dutton!) we don’t want to terminally damage the Coalition of the willing conservatives and we don’t want to totally trash the brand of the Sensible Centre™.
Also, it’s not helpful when a 10-year-old opinion piece written by the Fizza, Prime Minister Turnbull is dragged out of history’s dustbin to embarrass us. In that piece, vindictively published this week in The Australian [which used to be our newspaper of choice, Ed], Malcolm argued that a non-binding postal vote ‘flies in the face of Australian democratic values’. This is not helpful and proves just how unfit Malcolm is to hold a position of leadership in the Sensible Centre™. It is evidence of his dangerous flip-flopping and we must stand firm against it [that’s better, Ed].
Therefore, members of the Sensible Centre™ are being encouraged to write to their local constituent MPs to offer their support and prayers for a non-binding plebiscite of the issue of faggots marrying poofters and lesbians being able to legally diddle each other in wedlock, same sex civil unions. [This is a family newsletter, Ed.]
We all know that the non-binding plebiscite is a delaying tactic, but it is necessary if we are to eventually defeat the horrible idea of men marrying each other and ladies marrying other ladies. The Sensible Centre™ might be divided on the issue of “gay marriage”, but we are united in wanting Malcolm in The Middle to quietly go away and the threat made by some outer party members to cross the Chamber to vote in favour of Church-sanctioned buggery [just stop it, Ed] SSM is delaying the installation of Sinister Mutton as Potatohead-in-Chief, as we informed you in last week’s newsletter.
The Sensible Centre™'s spiritual guide on these matters, his holiness Pastor Lyle, has handed down the scriptures. We must not let the sodomites win and all good Christians, which we all are, must help defeat Satan’s nefarious plot to destroy the family. As we have heard from Pastor Lyle on many occasions, sanctifying sodomy and girl-on-girl diddling same sex unions will lead to some people wanting to marry pieces of furniture, books, their pets and even automobiles.
None of that is in God’s Plan™ — a plan, incidentally, endorsed by the leadership of the Sensible Centre™. In this spirit of reconciling the unGodly with the unhinged we are also contacting all our members in the seat of Goldstein to make sure that Mr Wilson is not re-endorsed for his seat. That he, himself, is a sodomite is of no consequence, we will let God deal with that in the afterlife, but he cannot be allowed to enjoy the Liberal tradition of exercising his conscience vote. The Sensible Centre™ has no conscience and he should just follow orders if he wants a job in a Sinister Dutton government (all heil Sinister Dutton) [Bill, do not utter this phrase in public and certainly stop writing it down, Ed.]
Spiritual leader of the Sensible Centre, Pastor Lyle (Screenshot google.com.au)
Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink
Of course, we all know there’s nothing to drink because Bananaby’s been here. He scoffed the lot and it didn’t even touch the sides. [You can’t say that about the deputy leader of the Sensible Centre™, Ed.]
We’d like to reassure our followers that apart from drinking the pub dry Deputy Prime Minister Mr Joyce has done nothing wrong. Of course, all the water in the Murray-Darling basin belongs to the cotton farmers and water hoarders. That is just common sense and free market rules. We can honestly state with our feet in a bucket and hand on heart that there is nothing to see here except empty dams and dry creek beds. Australia has always been like this and all ways will be our wide brown and parched land.
Federal Government orders review of Murray-Darling Basin water use - via @abcnews #4corners https://t.co/P3Y5twa14g pic.twitter.com/82KsGV1op5
— Sally Neighbour (@neighbour_s) July 30, 2017
Nothing to see here...
Where’s Julie? At least she’s not with Bananaby
The Sensible Centre believes in equal opportunity, particularly for blonde women lawyers who dress as nicely as Ms Bishop does. That is why we urge all supporters and members to send angry tweets and threatening emails to the left-wing journalists — particularly those awful Guardianistas, who keep pointing out just how much money Julie is spending on clothes, travel and entertainment.
The argument is a simple one: Julie Bishop is the Foreign Minister and, as such, she is entitled [wrong choice of word, Ed] allowed to spend necessary taxpayer funds on the required accoutrement of office. It would not be right if Ms Bishop had to go to Los Angeles to host a lavish party official function for celebrities and hangers-on invited guests to drink and eat gratuitously celebrate the opening of a new consulate. [Bill, fact-check this, why was Ms Bishop in LA? Ed]
Like Deputy Prime Minister Bananaby, Ms Bishop is also entitled [yes, it’s hard to find a non-incriminating synonym, Ed] to take an RAAF special services flight and to have her toyboy family members accompany her when she is on semi-official duty.
RAAF planes are expensive and $9,000 for a trip to the football is not excessive, which we confirmed with Mr Joyce a few days ago.
Barnaby Joyce Billed Taxpayers Almost $9,000 For Flights, On The Same Day He Went To The Footy https://t.co/dqMv0tdXmm
— lynlinking (@lynlinking) July 28, 2017
via @MarkDiStef
All legit and within the guidelines...
Our hero of the week: Tony Abbott
Hero of the week is a new feature in the Sensible Centre™ newsletter. Each week, we will bring to your attention someone who usually goes unsung and unloved, but who is a true hero to our cause.
We are pleased to announce two winners in our inaugural week. [It’s a pity there’s not an emoji for a drum roll, Ed.]
The first winner is former PM, Tony Abbott. This week he has not been carping or sniping or undermining. Instead, he has been offering sage and timely advice on economics and on how the Liberal Party room should approach the same sex marriage issue when it meets on Monday. (With any luck, Sinister Mutton will be the new leader of the Sensible Centre™.
We couldn’t agree more with Mr Abbott’s comment that marriage is there to protect women and children. Just imagine what the domestic violence rates would be if we didn’t have such a strong faith-based institution such as marriage in place.
As for his advice to Bulb Shortarse. Ha ha ha, Bulb, you got pwnd.
Sure we can make the country more equal but only by making it less prosperous. Get real, @billshortenmp
— Tony Abbott (@TonyAbbottMHR) July 31, 2017
The task of policy makers is to ensure that's delivered. pic.twitter.com/9fHmSOwg8t
— Tony Abbott (@TonyAbbottMHR) August 2, 2017
We don’t know quite what Tony meant in this tweet, but it’s great to see him back in a hi-viz vest.
Mr Abbott has not learned to keep his mouth shut and this is a good thing for the Sensible Centre™, as he often says what we are thinking.
Thank you Tony and congratulations.
Coming close behind Tony [Are you being facetious again, Bill? It’s hard to tell sometimes, Ed] is our favourite Sydney radio host, Alan Jones.
Mr Jones has been tweeting like a demon this week and he’s rooting for our team. Thanks Alan, this is a well-deserved honour.
The Coalition has NO message at all. Turnbull is lost. Morrison's a passenger. The Liberal heartland is ropeable. Changes must be made.
— Alan Jones (@AlanJones) August 2, 2017
It is chaos and mutiny in Canberra let me assure you. I have spoken to Senior Cabinet Ministers who tell me Turnbull is gone #auspol
— Alan Jones (@AlanJones) July 31, 2017
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The Sensible Centre is All Right by me.
— Sensei Bill (@CenseiBill) July 26, 2017
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License
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Our Paper's page 1 lead: @artbylynettag: 'So it appears @Barnaby_Joyce turned … pic.twitter.com/i7piNAhASB, see more https://t.co/SHS9WIuiUY
— Margo Kingston (@margokingston1) July 24, 2017
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