Dear Scott, we have to talk about Peter

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It’s been a while since we’ve had a leak from the Sensible Centre™, but we now know that Sensei Bill has been tasked with providing advice to the new Prime Minister, Scott Morrison.

Dear Scott,

Here at the Sensible Centre™, we are so glad that you made it past two weeks without a challenge. The committee wants me to pass on their eternal gratitude that you managed to “pants” that awful Peter Dutton during your unscheduled wrestling match in the Party Change Rooms.

Speaking of which, the committee has been reliably informed that some of the girls are a bit upset by the roughhousing in the change rooms and the way that some of you are careless with the towel when leaving the showers.

The ladies’ auxiliary has asked us to remind you that decorum and standards must be upheld at all times in the dressing sheds. Several girls were very upset at the number of balls left lying around after the pre-match bonding sessions.

The ladies would also like to introduce a quota system for arranging refreshments. It’s been suggested that Eric and Tony might get their wives or the au pairs to get the oranges for next week. We think this ought to satisfy the fairer sex and hopefully they’ll see common sense and agree to drop the whole preposterous idea.

On the topic of the girls whinging, the committee has received complaints regarding the behaviour of Peter and his gang during the jostling for the position of team captain. The ladies have asked that we respect their confidences, but we don’t mind telling you that Lucy, Julie, Julia and Kelly got their knickers in a twist.

As you know, we’ve sent Helen around to talk to the women, who are still a bit upset, but at this time of the month what do you expect, eh? Helen’s regarded as one of the boys, so she should make the silly ones see some sense.

However, the ruckus in the caucus has highlighted another problem, which we know you are cognisant of, but perhaps reluctant to do anything about, given the threats being made by you-know-who and his secret lists.

We don’t want to interfere in personnel matters, that’s Rupert’s role, but we must alert you to the concerns held collectively by the committee.

The balding, angry-looking fellow in Cabinet – it’s a description that would fit many of your colleagues, but we dare not mention him by name just in case this missive is leaked – is being a bit troublesome.

His extra-curricular activities are drawing the wrong kind of attention and could lead to a serious upset. We are aware of your close relationship with the Minister in question, but if he can be persuaded to hand over his files on you – perhaps for a small bribe, like the old days – then we might see our way clear to solving the problem.

The cleanest solution, of course, would be to refer said gentleman to the High Court and let them resolve the issue for you. “The High Court shall so find,” as your predecessor was fond of saying. Speaking of which, we were a little perturbed to see that Malcolm has been sticking his nose in again, all the way from New York, too.

In all, the committee feels that this person has been lucky to survive this long. Of course, having a week-long break gave him a fighting chance of survival. We feel it is a pity that you have ruled out a High Court referral — it could be your best chance of survival. Of course, the committee is alarmed that Julie has threatened to blow up the Club House over this issue. Can’t you just send her to New York for three months instead of Julia?

Even you must realise that the man of whom we speak is both a liability and a threat. It is well known that he has not given up his ambition to be team captain and that he feels robbed by your clever tricks to undermine him at the last minute.

Deviousness is one of your strengths and it sits well under the cloak of Christian love and brotherhood that you espouse at every moment from the pulpit dispatch box. Just one word of caution, though, will you please stop speaking in tongues and stick to simple and plain Stray’n?

You’re a good bloke, Scott. You know how to eat a pie the Aussie way and you enjoy a few grogs at the barbie with your mates. You should probably let this shine through more and stop bashing the voting public over the head with your Bible.

You might be pleased to know we’ve heard from the editors at NewsCorp and from Father Frangelico at Sky News and, so far, they are all not too displeased with your performance. Of course, they really wanted Tony back and Peter was their second choice, but they’ve settled down a bit now.

They believe you’ve injected just the right amount of fear into the minds of the electorate about attacks on their religious freedoms; you’ve upset the atheists and you’ve come out fighting in the culture wars. By the way, getting Pauline to savage that nine-year-old over the anthem was a stroke of genius.

Overall, they are happy to leave you in the Lodge for the time being and want us to give you a heads-up that Rupert is keeping an eye on things and he’ll be home again at Christmas. As you know, your probation report will be given to him then and he may want to see you in his office.

The Newspoll results continue to be disastrous for the Party, even though you are marginally more popular than a farting magician at a bar mitzvah. Under the circumstances, the NewsCorp editors would like you to be a little bit more racist and a little less holy-roller.

They suggest the right balance for you might be to channel the slightly racist uncle who’s the life of the party after four beers and asleep in the shed after seven.

God Speed,

Sensei Bill (on behalf of the committee)

Follow Sensei Bill, the naughty little antechinus, on Twitter @CenseiBill.

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