Will Turnbull completely destroy Australia and everything that's Right

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What will Australia's new radical leftist Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull do to the party and nation Bob Menzies built? Managing editor Dave Donovan is worried.

I'M WORRIED. Very worried.

Worried, because a fine, physically fit, practicing Catholic, gay-fearing, climate change denying prime minister has been deposed. And not just deposed, deposed and replaced by a suspicious looking leftie. And not just deposed and replaced by a leftie, but toppled in his very first term, for the love of all that’s precious and blue.

I mean, for goodness sake! What has the Liberal Party become? Isn’t this just exactly the sort of thing the Labor Party always do? Haven’t we been chuckling away as we needle the Stalinists about knifing their leaders in the back for years now? You know, the “Rudd/Gillard/Rudd years” is one of our many excellent mantras. We even prevailed upon that Mark Scott individual at the ABC to make an excellent little mini-series about it earlier this year, The Killing Season ― yet now we are faced with this?

Oh, the ignominy! How are respectable Tories meant to slip on their white shoes and blue ties, and venture out to buy The Australian (and perhaps a nice little bottle of sherry) holding their heads high knowing their Party of high-born people has been doing just the same sort of ghastly, conniving things as those dreadful, upstart socialists? It is simply a shameful state of affairs.

And all the more shameful knowing who he has been replaced with. Did I mention he is a leftie? Yes indeed he is! And a republican, heaven forfend. Indeed, this man, Malcolm Turnbull, was once head of the Australian Republican Movement, which I understand is no more than a branch office of the IRA.

And what about climate change? Does he pay lip service to the science in the media and then laugh about it and call it “crap” when back amongst friends? No! He really believes in this hokum. Really believes it is not a massive leftist conspiracy to destroy the industrialised world and bring in a Communist One World Government. How absurd!

Does he feel threatened and a bit angry around homosexuals, like any decent person?

Not a bit of it! He supports gay marriage. Marriage between wicked, debauched homosexuals, for heaven’s sake! And not only supports it but, so I am told, plans on making it compulsory!

Ominous times. You can see why I am worried, with this radical Trot in charge of the fine conservative party Bob Menzies built. I ask you, dear friend, is he going to destroy Australia and rip down all the things respectable right thinking Australians hold dear? Or is he going to see sense and continue all the good policies and fundamentals of the Abbott Government?

We have already mentioned climate change — he believes in it! Even more disturbing, the last time Turnbull was in charge of the Liberal Party, in 2009, he actually worked with the Labor Party – with them! – to bring in an emissions trading scheme. Of course, the party was so aghast at this treachery he promptly lost his job, so he should be wary about trying something likely this again, but ... well ... you never know.

Can we be confident Turnbull will continue to highlight the “rorts, rackets and ripoffs” (fabulous alliteration!) from the hairy, smelly, snaggledly-toothed, thugs, villains and random kiddie snatchers in the union movement? Will the Trade Union Royal Commission be allowed to continue so that fine fellow, the completely unbiased Commissioner Dyson Heydon can hand down a damning report about that horrid former union boss Bill Shorten? Will Turnbull do the right thing and quietly arrange for the criminal investigation into that saintly Joan of Arc figure, Kathy Jackson, to be cancelled and for her partner, Fair Work Commission Vice President Michael Lawler ‒ who has been through so much! ‒ to be compensated financially for his inconvenience and, let’s say, knighted? Can we be confident Turnbull will continue the present Government policy of linking the Labor Party to the sinister CFMEU in every second sentence? I have grave reservations, quite frankly, that the socialist now in charge will do any of these needful, practical things.

Can we be sure that Turnbull will continue to give back the tax dollars stolen from hardworking, highly productive, affluent people by taking away public handouts to ungrateful single mothers, cripples, the sick and other leaners in our society? There are promising signs in this area, with Malcolm Turnbull being an extremely wealthy former investment banker and lawyer, and therefore likely to be fully cognisant of the profound affection and bond the very rich feel for their money.

Indeed, the Government has again put before the Senate legislation to stop paying young layabouts the dole for four weeks. We hope he will be doing the same soon for that lovely well-bred education minister’s inspired plan for $100,000 university degrees. As a rich man, Turnbull would know that university education simply does nothing to improve the performance of poor people as butlers, maids, cleaners, gardeners or other household staff but, on the contrary, tends to make them chippy and rather disrespectful. It should be discouraged.

And what about immigration? We trust Turnbull will continue Government policy of allowing free access to Australia for rich white Europeans and Americans, as well as for Chinese who want to work in our coal mines or slaughterhouses for below award rates under our 457 visa programme, while at the same time ensuring brown people fleeing beastly war torn nations are locked up safe and sound in our offshore torture camps. It’s tough love, but we know it works.

Speaking of brown people, will Turnbull continue the current policy of backing the United States in every single one of their interventions in the Middle East. Given all these wars have gone so well in the past and Turnbull has sent our Air Force to drop some bombs on Syria this week, the signs are looking promising. Huzzah!

And what about the three word slogans? Will Turnbull continue the practical Abbott Government policy of speaking in three word slogans and 72 point cap Daily Telegraph headlines? Like most people, I don’t have time to think deeply about “issues”; all I want is "the vibe" and an overly simplistic black and white solution. If it can’t be expressed in glib, three word soundbites, then it probably isn’t worth doing, in my opinion. Of course, Turnbull is one of those pompous, verbose, barrister types, so he'll probably try to “explain” everything, thereby running the risk of making the public dangerously over-informed.

Will Malcolm Turnbull destroy Australia? Probably. The best we can hope for is that his more conservative colleagues will prevail upon him to stand up for true Tory principles, and not simply ride on the wave of affection the public always seems to hold for smug, condescending, filthy rich, former banker lawyers.

And with cabinet documents already being leaked that are damaging to the closet Communist now in charge, he will know he is on notice. And if that doesn’t work, we can always form a new Conservative Party. The Liberal name has always made a lot of people quite uncomfortable. I expect that fine Senator Corgi St Bernard Cory Bernardi will be leading the charge in this area, as he has done in so many others.

We trust that the ascension of the Manchurian candidate will not stymie the hopes of the real thing this weekend ‒ the Fine Outstanding Canning Candidate Andrew Hastie (FOCCAH) — who was, in case you weren't aware, until quite recently a captain in the SAS. But as the FOCCAH is too impressive a candidate to be defeated by either Labor rabble or traitorous leftist leaders, we expect him to win handsomely.

Yes, I’m worried, but never fear, if Malcolm Turncoat starts wrecking 1950s Australia too much, we can always set up one of our famous smear jobs and disgrace him out of office. After all, it’s worked before.

The original John Graham artwork featured in this piece may be purchased from the IA store. You can follow managing editor David Donovan on Twitter @davrosz

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