Christmas is the ideal time for three wise men – an American (Chuck), an Englishman (Roger) and an Australian (Bruce) – to get together and chew the bit.
ROGER: Surely you can’t still believe in American exceptionalism, with the boofhead President you have.
CHUCK: You can talk! Your British Prime Minister is a total tosser, taking his lead from our idiot.
BRUCE: Don’t forget our boy. A right twat. I’m embarrassed to carry an Australian passport these days.
ROGER: We haven’t forgotten, but honestly, you Aussies don’t feature in world issues other than for supplying some natural resources and an occasional Oscar winner.
CHUCK: You Brits have been speaking English longer than we have, but it’s still no excuse for our President to mangle and misuse words the way he does. It’s damn embarrassing.
ROGER: And, he didn’t really win legitimately, unlike our leaders who, like it or not, won the majority vote.
CHUCK: Point taken, but at least our guy doesn’t follow idiots. He is the idiot. How can you live with the fact your guys take their lead from our idiot?
BRUCE: If you knew more about Australia’s Prime Minister, you’d realise he’s not just following an idiot, he is an idiot!
ROGER: Same goes for our lad. Aligning himself so closely to your clown. Believe me, only a right idiot would do that.
CHUCK: The one redeeming feature our President has is his obsession with golf. All he wants to do is play golf.
ROGER: You like that about him?
CHUCK: Yeah. The more time he spends in a sand bunker and the less time he’s in a military intelligence bunker, the safer the whole world will be.
BRUCE: Right. Our guy plays the sport card big time, too. He loves being seen wearing rugby paraphernalia and rubbing shoulders with sporting identities.
ROGER: I know what you mean. Our PM can rabbit on about football for hours but forget the Arts. He does nothing for the Arts.
BRUCE: You think you’ve got it bad. The only theatre you’ll ever see our bloke coming out of will be a medical operating theatre after he’s had some procedure.
CHUCK: The President hates the Arts community. Full of do-gooder progressives, liberals and commies. Other than for the union-bashing Disney Studio, he hates the lot of them.
BRUCE: Back on to medical theatres, our drongo is doing all he can to cut back on free universal health and privatise it more and more a la your fetid American system.
CHUCK: No way! He actually wants it to be like our system? That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life!
ROGER: Your guy must be braindead. Mind you, ours isn’t much better. He’s inflicting death by a thousand cuts on our NHS. Privatising it by stealth. The same for free, universal education. Squeezing the public schools, subsidising private schools and pumping up religious schools and institutions.
BRUCE: What is it with these guys? Same for Australia. Squeezing the public; subsidising the private. Don’t get me started on religion. Dead set, our dickhead wants to print up t-shirts with him sitting on Jesus’s right at the last supper. He just loves being seen praying or coming out of a church.
CHUCK: Same with America. Our guy plays up to the conservative, religious Right to a tee. What about climate change? Doesn’t exist as far as our moron is concerned.
ROGER: Our PM pays lip service, but that’s about it. Talks the talk, but doesn’t walk the walk.
BRUCE: Our slug doesn’t even do that. His idea of climate change is turning the air con on in summer and the heater on in winter. Whatever the mining heavyweights want, they get.
CHUCK: What about Murdoch? Do your tossers suck up to him the way our guy does?
ROGER: Are you kidding? “Suck” isn’t a strong enough word.
BRUCE: Ditto. Murdoch says jump and our boy gets on his pogo stick and works up momentum, to show he can be counted on to do the right thing by King Rupert.
CHUCK: Yeah, but it’s worse for me. We are the bully boys and boy, do we bully! Threats, bribes, consequences if you don’t do as we tell you. What’s good for Rupert ain’t that good for that many of us.
BRUCE: We’re the same. Rupert rules and we bully the nations we can. Generally Pacific Islands with very little clout of their own.
ROGER: Are you going to the anti-war rally on Wednesday against us invading Iraq?
ROGER: Blair is chafing at the bit to be part of it.
BRUCE: Little Johnny the same. I’m sure they’ve already made up their minds. Nothing like a war to get re-elected.
CHUCK: Well, from here, things can only get better.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I am sure George, Tony and John wish Donald, Boris and Scott all the best for this festive season.
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