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In a TV studio somewhere in Canberra...

JOURNALIST 1: Is it a correct assumption that the basis of your political philosophy is the sanctity of the nuclear family?

POLITICIAN: Yes, it is. A father and mother, faithful and loving to each other and diligent in the care, guidance, love and protection they provide for their children.

And may I add, unlike our political opponents, I not only believe in the nuclear family, I also believe nuclear energy should be part of the mix to provide affordable energy for our nation. Not just that renewables rubbish.

JOURNALIST 1: And it’s because of these beliefs you are pro-life, against same-sex marriage and opposed to euthanasia?

POLITICIAN: Yes, it is.

JOURNALIST 1: That’s all we have time for Minister. Thank you for your time.

POLITICIAN: Always a pleasure.

JOURNALIST 1: Next week, we’ll be looking at the evolving storm surrounding that Hollywood predator, Harvey Weinstein.

The interview winds up and the journalist organises to meet a colleague at a nearby bar for a drink and an unwind.

JOURNALIST 1: Do I need this drink! I’ve had to put up with the old Dickhead.

JOURNALIST 2: Yes, I know. I saw the interview. To think that prized twat is in the Federal Cabinet.

JOURNALIST 1: Yeh. What a joke! He’s so dumb it’s no wonder he thinks with his dick — it’s smarter than his brain.

JOURNALIST 2:  He’s not alone. So many of them are dipshits these days. It must be, that, to qualify to join the Cabinet, your cholesterol reading has to be higher than your IQ.

JOURNALIST 1: Meatheads. Dickheads and Onion Heads, the lot of them.

JOURNALIST 2:  Doctors have to take the Hippocratic Oath. This lot of politicians signed up to the Hypocritic Oath. When a lot of them say, I love my wife, what they mean is, I love my wife staying home, looking after the kids when I’m away in Canberra, or off overseas, with my P.A. who just happens to be half my age, attractive and, enough said.

JOURNALIST 1: Makes me sick. Good Christian values as long as you only believe in nine commandments and drop the one about not coveting another man’s wife, girlfriend, manservant, maidservant, ox or ass.

JOURNALIST 2:  Can you believe some of those fuckers think if same-sex marriage becomes legal, it’s only a matter of time before heterosexual men will become strangely attracted to another man’s ass and ox? Lord knows what sort of love triangles that will lead to.

JOURNALIST 1: And when I know what some of the fuckers sprouting that rubbish get up to!

JOURNALIST 2:  Sick. I’m pleased Horny Weinstein is being publicly gelded.

JOURNALIST 1: About fucking time, I say. Can you believe someone as intelligent and aware as Meryl Streep didn’t know it was happening with Harvey? She must have been auditioning early for the role of Michaelia Cash if they ever make a film about Turnbull’s Government.

JOURNALIST 2: As if the lot of them didn’t know. Weinstein practically opened up his own furniture chain "The Casting Couch", it was that fucking obvious.

JOURNALIST 1: Yeh. Judi Dench too. She should change her name by deed poll to Judi Dense if she thinks we’ll believe she had no idea.

JOURNALIST 2: They could have knocked it on the head years ago.

JOURNALIST 1: The fuckers all put their own personal career ambition ahead of anything and everything else. Fuck em.

JOURNALIST 2: Have you heard the latest Canberra rumour?

JOURNALIST 1: No rumour. It’s fact. Shithead’s wife had to agree to the arrangement the Party organised to keep them together till after the election, regardless of what it does to her mental health — mustn’t harm the Party’s chances!

JOURNALIST 2: Poor thing. I hope she outs the fucker for the sleaze bucket dickhead he is.

JOURNALIST 1: Gets pissed and boorish at every party function and tries it on all the young staffers.

JOURNALIST 2: I’ve heard he’s been banned from all the Young Liberal functions because of his unwanted interest in the shapely nubiles.

JOURNALIST 1: Going on about the divinity of the family, and the sanctity of the unborn child, and what does the cretin do?! Organises an abortion on the sly for his "bit on the side". Hypocrites like that piss me off big time. If only it was Hollywood we could out him.

JOURNALIST 2: You know what they say about Canberra. It’s our Hollywood for ugly people, and they really are fucking ugly.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders.

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