LOGIN
Satire

The real reason behind Pauline's burqa

By | | comments
(Screen shot via @trtworld)

A tape of Pauline Hanson’s meeting on the morning of her burqa moment with that never-an-Englishman, Malcolm Roberts, has landed on IA's desk.

HANSON: This is terrible. I’m having the worst hair day ever.

ROBERTS: You look okay to me Pauline.

HANSON: Please explain why you think that. I mean, look at me.

ROBERTS: I am. I can’t see what you’re on about. Your hair looks fine.

HANSON: No it doesn’t. Look how dry it is. It’s been so windy this morning, it’s messed my hair up big time.

ROBERTS: No it hasn’t.

HANSON:. I am the leader, remember. Please do not argue with me. What I say is right. Look at it. So dry and mussed up. I hate the sun and wind — they mess everything up.

ROBERTS: Okay. I’ll get my assistant’s hair dryer. That should fix it up.

[Roberts goes off and returns with a hairdryer. Hanson wets her hair then blow dries it.]

HANSON: Well, what do you think?

ROBERTS: Better than Hedy Lamarr. Hair dryers do the trick every time. Much better than letting it dry naturally.

HANSON: It’s better, but it’s still not right. I can’t be seen in the Senate with my hair looking this fucked.

ROBERTS: It doesn’t look fucked, Pauline. We have to show our faces in the Senate in ten minutes.

HANSON: I’m not showing my face when I look like this. Look at the others. That Englishman Xenophon’s hair is always immaculate. Bernardi doesn’t have a hair out of place — or Hinch.

ROBERTS: Turnbull, Shorten and Di Natale have shit hair.

HANSON: They’re all losing their hair by the truckload. I’m not showing my face when I look like this. What can I do? Think Malcolm, think!

ROBERTS: Well, if you were a Muslim you could hide your face under a burqa.

HANSON: I am most definitely not a Muslim. Thank God for that. But ...

ROBERTS: But?

HANSON: It’s brilliant! Solves my problem. No way will I be seen having my worst hair day ever. But where can I find a burqa at such short notice?

ROBERTS: I have one in my office.

HANSON: You have one in your office?! Please explain.

ROBERTS: My assistant and I went to a fancy dress party last weekend. We went as terrorists. I had a fake beard and wore a bomb vest, and she wore a burqa. I’ll get it for you. I’ll meet you outside the Senate Chamber.

[Roberts heads off, grabs the burqa and meets Hanson outside the Chamber. She puts the burqa on over her head. Together they enter the chamber. 20 minutes pass.]

HANSON: I just thought of something.

ROBERTS: Wow. What’s that?

HANSON: If I don’t take it off, no one will know it’s me. 

ROBERTS: I hadn’t thought of that.

HANSON: That’s why I’m the leader, you fucking little rodent. Speaking of rodents, what’s the chance of baldy Brandis not understanding the horror of a bad hair day?!

I’ve got to take it off and my hair will look even more mussed up because of the burqa. Thanks for nothing, Malcolm!

[Hanson takes off the burqa.]

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders.

Creative Commons Licence
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License

Monthly Donation

$

Single Donation

$

Stop mucking around. Subscribe to IA for just $5.

 
Recent articles by Rocky Dabscheck
Why you should vote for ScoMo

ScoMo explains why he should be elected Australia's PM on 18 May, in this exclusive ...  
Barnaby, the old man and the river

Barnaby Joyce opens up to IA about his intimate relationship with water.  
ScoMo hits the ground running

ScoMo has hit the ground running in his pursuit of becoming an elected prime ...  
Join the conversation
comments powered by Disqus