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(Screen shot via @trtworld)

A tape of Pauline Hanson’s meeting on the morning of her burqa moment with that never-an-Englishman, Malcolm Roberts, has landed on IA's desk.

HANSON: This is terrible. I’m having the worst hair day ever.

ROBERTS: You look okay to me Pauline.

HANSON: Please explain why you think that. I mean, look at me.

ROBERTS: I am. I can’t see what you’re on about. Your hair looks fine.

HANSON: No it doesn’t. Look how dry it is. It’s been so windy this morning, it’s messed my hair up big time.

ROBERTS: No it hasn’t.

HANSON:. I am the leader, remember. Please do not argue with me. What I say is right. Look at it. So dry and mussed up. I hate the sun and wind — they mess everything up.

ROBERTS: Okay. I’ll get my assistant’s hair dryer. That should fix it up.

[Roberts goes off and returns with a hairdryer. Hanson wets her hair then blow dries it.]

HANSON: Well, what do you think?

ROBERTS: Better than Hedy Lamarr. Hair dryers do the trick every time. Much better than letting it dry naturally.

HANSON: It’s better, but it’s still not right. I can’t be seen in the Senate with my hair looking this fucked.

ROBERTS: It doesn’t look fucked, Pauline. We have to show our faces in the Senate in ten minutes.

HANSON: I’m not showing my face when I look like this. Look at the others. That Englishman Xenophon’s hair is always immaculate. Bernardi doesn’t have a hair out of place — or Hinch.

ROBERTS: Turnbull, Shorten and Di Natale have shit hair.

HANSON: They’re all losing their hair by the truckload. I’m not showing my face when I look like this. What can I do? Think Malcolm, think!

ROBERTS: Well, if you were a Muslim you could hide your face under a burqa.

HANSON: I am most definitely not a Muslim. Thank God for that. But ...

ROBERTS: But?

HANSON: It’s brilliant! Solves my problem. No way will I be seen having my worst hair day ever. But where can I find a burqa at such short notice?

ROBERTS: I have one in my office.

HANSON: You have one in your office?! Please explain.

ROBERTS: My assistant and I went to a fancy dress party last weekend. We went as terrorists. I had a fake beard and wore a bomb vest, and she wore a burqa. I’ll get it for you. I’ll meet you outside the Senate Chamber.

[Roberts heads off, grabs the burqa and meets Hanson outside the Chamber. She puts the burqa on over her head. Together they enter the chamber. 20 minutes pass.]

HANSON: I just thought of something.

ROBERTS: Wow. What’s that?

HANSON: If I don’t take it off, no one will know it’s me. 

ROBERTS: I hadn’t thought of that.

HANSON: That’s why I’m the leader, you fucking little rodent. Speaking of rodents, what’s the chance of baldy Brandis not understanding the horror of a bad hair day?!

I’ve got to take it off and my hair will look even more mussed up because of the burqa. Thanks for nothing, Malcolm!

[Hanson takes off the burqa.]

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License

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