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Scott Morrison addresses the nation

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Cartoon by Mark David / @MDavidCartoons

Scott Morrison updates the nation on new, stricter social distancing rules.

GOOD EVENING AUSTRALIA. 

I know I was accused at my last press conference of not being completely clear about the issues. I must be clear now, though, about these new restrictions because Australians are still not socially distancing in the sack.

I regret to announce, that from now on, all making whoopee must cease. It is no longer safe to screw around anymore, whether that be your partner, your Tinder date, your best friend’s missus, your office secretary or your boss.

Fucking is just too dangerous during these times — with the exception of how my Government is screwing over the nation with my incompetent handling of this crisis. That can and will continue.

Centrelink can continue to fuck over people in need of support, especially the buggers on the Indue cashless welfare card.

All other types of intercourse must cease, though, effective immediately. We cannot take a trip to pound town if we want to come out of this crisis intact.

Kissing also must cease. We cannot have you kissing others and spreading the virus around. Kissing your boss’ arse is also now banned. Although kissing my arse will still be allowed, as that is considered essential kissing and essential kissing must still go on.

You cannot go to orgies anymore; orgies and other rumpy-pumpy related parties are out. However, you can still go on Tinder or Grin-der dates… Grind-der, what is that? I don’t know that term. Anyone know what Grin-der is? Anyway, Grin-der is still okay, provided you stay at least one and a half metres away from each other while polishing the pole.

All essential sexual contact must and can go on, but non-essential coitus and kissing must stop. I am appalled at how many of you, after we warned about social distancing during sex, continued to just feed the kitty or socially masturbate despite the risks, so we have no choice but to clamp down now.

The Australian Federal Police will be monitoring all fucking with the help of local police agencies. Anyone caught engaging in non-essential banging or shagging will face substantial penalties.

This includes but is not limited to being forced to be in the same room as Peter Dutton or having to try and educate Stuart Robert on how the internet and websites work. That is a fate I am sure no-one wants.

Anyone attempting to export essential fucks out of the country will be swiftly dealt with, and we will be checking all goods at the border to ensure all these essential fucks remain in Australia — especially the ones in my Cabinet.

No fucks from overseas will be permitted to enter Australia without a strict quarantine period on Christmas Island, which we certainly do not give much of a shit about. All imported fucks will be held in strict isolation until they no longer present a threat.

Look, my message is clear. Essential smacking the salmon or tonsil hockey, can and must go on. All mattress dancing is essential, but non-essential rooting must cease immediately. 

I cannot be clearer on that.

I ask the media to be patient with this. They, after all, are used to being completely screwed by the Government and I understand some of you may be sensitive to this message.

For the sake of the nation, Australians must not take a trip to pound town, even if the country is buggered as a result of my Government's reaction to this clusterfuck.

Australia has no fucks left to give and I am proud to say, I have stopped the bonks. In fact, here comes Dutton now with a shiny new trophy in the shape of what looks like a banana with ‘I Stopped the Bonks’ inscribed on it.

I will not be taking any questions at this time; I have a nation to fornicate. Now can you all please just kindly fuck off.

You can follow Chris Mordd Richards on Twitter @Mordd_IndyMedia.

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