ScoMo has opened up on his hopes and dreams for 2019 in a fair dinkum prayer-letter to the man upstairs.
I trust you had a good fair dinkum Christmas. If not, something really has gone awfully awry. After all, you are the star attraction, so if you had a rotten time, what hope have our lot down here on Earth of having a jolly old time?
The only catastrophe I can imagine coming close to you having a dud Christmas would be if Prince Harry had done a runner at his own wedding. Unimaginable!
There are a few things I hope you can help me with this year. I have been a good boy and I sing your praises – in English and in tongues – whenever the opportunity arises. By the way, your name, Jesus, translates in tongues as "Barry". Just thought you’d like to know that.
Anyway, like I said, I’ve been a very good boy and I think I should be rewarded.
Goodness. I’ve just realised. I’ve gotten myself all confused. I really haven’t been the same since that awful "Yes" vote got up a tad over a year ago. I was sure you’d put the Khyber on it.
Here I am writing to you like you are Santa. Me saying what a good boy I’ve been and all. What a duffer! You’re not Santa. Sorry about that. Still, I have been a good boy — a very good boy. I keep it in my pants, unlike some other leaders and government ministers of the recent past. That must be worth a few brownie points to me.
I am wondering if you can organise a few little things to go my way in the next few months. After all, you do have a bit of pull with the omnipotent one.
Any chance of Bill Shorten being nabbed drink driving three days in a row? And Richard Di Natale being caught dumping toxic rubbish in the Yarra River? Lots and lots of rubbish?
On another note, can you have Manus Island declared the number one Pacific Island and a drop dead gorgeous holiday spot? If you do, it will make my Government look like a bunch of benevolent uncles and aunties, providing a wonderful, relaxing place for refugees to while away their days.
Think about it, Jesus. It’s not a big ask. After all, Manus is an island in the Pacific. It shouldn’t be too hard to promote. I can help you with the campaign, "Manus the Magnificent". I’ll see if Lara Bingle is available for a photo shoot. Give me a few days and I will get back to you on that one.
You’ve probably noticed the recent polls haven’t been looking good for my re-election as PM. Actually, re-election isn’t quite accurate seeing I’m yet to front a voting day as leader of my party, but I’m sure you know what I mean. Just wondering if you can make a plague of dyslexia befall Australian voters, come election day? Current polls are 55/45 against us. If enough voters get Liberal and Labor jumbled up, we should be odds on to win. One day of communal dyslexia is all I ask.
One more request, if that’s okay? When Bill Shorten has his campaign launch, can you have him rabbit on that it is being powered 100 per cent by renewables – solar and wind – and then have a complete blackout just after he highlights that fact?
That’s about it, for now, Jesus — sorry, just remembered two more things.
Can you make sure the Cronulla Sharks win this year’s NRL premiership?
Now for the big one... I’m sure you know about the "religious freedom" debate we’re having as a consequence of that awful "Yes" vote. Just in case something stuffs up and I’m not re-elected, can you ensure I will be free to declare myself a religion? I will thus be able to avail myself of the greatest religious freedom of all — to be free from paying tax.
Support independent journalism Subscribe to IA.