Prime Minister Scott "ScoMoses" Morrison addresses the nation during the COVID-19 pandemic — yet again.
It has come to my attention many of you are referring to me as Prime Minister ScoMoses. Despite being a New Testament dude, rather than an Old Testament guy, I am more than happy to answer to that nomenclature.
And so, in keeping with this mode, I now want to give you, Australia’s people, my personalised top ten commandments.
Thou shalt not ever, for any reason, and I seriously mean ever, no matter what, thou shalt never, never ever, vote for the Labor Party.
Thou shalt not join a workplace union. Especially the CFMEU. Absolute bunch of mongrels and low-life thugs. Fair dinkum. The only union I deem acceptable is the union, under God, of a man and a woman, in holy matrimony. I acknowledge some recent laws are no better than endorsements for gutter life decadence. Despite this, the union has to be between a man and a woman. None of this unseemly, unholy, unwholesome modern Sodom and Gomorrah crap.
Thou shalt not ever claim that I, or any of my disciples, are socialists and thou shalt never vote for socialists, or the Greens. Despite my recent behaviour, believe me, doubling the dole is giving me a bad bout of piles. The sooner we find a vaccine, the sooner I can get the unworthy unemployed back on a shit sandwich.
Thou shalt not, if by some quirk of fate you become a Federal Liberal Party politician, vote for Peter Dutton or, as I refer to him, Peter the Pedantic, in a leadership spill against me — should that day ever eventuate.
Thou shalt never barrack for any team playing against my beloved Cronulla Sharks rugby league team. (Note it is rugby league and not rugby union ... refer back to Commandment 2.) This is definitely one of the most important commandments. And I guarantee you, if Cronulla Sharks, were playing back in the days of the original Moses, there would have either been 11 Commandments (barrack for the Cronulla Sharks in there somewhere) or, probably the one about not coveting your neighbour’s manservant or donkey would have been given the Khyber Pass.
Fair dinkum, I don’t know how that one slipped in to start with. Bit on the nose, if you know what I mean.
Thou shalt always show complete loyalty to your leader, especially now that I am the leader. What happened to old silver spoon, silver tongue Turnbull, is still a mystery to me. I gave that man nothing other than complete loyalty!
Thou shalt never say “How good is...”. That phrase belongs to me, and only me. Martin Luther King has “I have a dream”. FDR “Nothing to fear but fear itself”. And Churchill, “We will never surrender”. I have “How good is…” The only caveat is if you say ‘How good is Prime Minister Morrison” — as a statement, not as a question.
Thou shalt not turn your back on scientific advice, unless it is in regard to climate change and the evils of coal. You’d have to be off your head to listen to them rabbit on about how destructive fossil fuels can be. Vaccines, yes. Climate change, no. Got it?!
Thou shalt not reject my hand if I attempt to shake your hand, once this pandemic is over. Same goes for a high five if I go to high five you after scoring a try against grade two kids at your local primary school.
Thou shalt not stay home if you are a school student. Thou shalt go to school. It is safe for students. If you are a teacher getting on in years or, have a pre-existing condition which may compromise your immune system, thou shalt not go to school. It is not safe for you. If you are a student with a pre-existing condition, you decide.
There, that should clear things up about schools.
Well, that’s about it for now. But, fair dinkum, whatever you do, do not forget Commandment 1: Thou shalt never vote for the Labor Party.
Vote 1 the Liberal Party. Always. Moses would have if he’d had the opportunity.
How good are commandments?
Prime Minister ScoMoses
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