Prime Minister Scott "ScoMoses" Morrison unburdens himself to God, baring his deepest, darkest fears.
MORRISON: God, oh dear Lord, creator of all things good — and nothing bad. How good is God?!
I’ve just realised — add an extra "o" to God and you get "good". That’s so wonderful! Undeniable proof there is no good without God. I finally understand now why I keep saying, “How good is … whatever”, every time I’m excited.
But I transgress.
Oh, my Lord. I have many important things I need to explain. My recent behaviour.
GOD: No need, Scott. I don’t wear that hat for you. The confessional is more for the likes of Tony Abbott, or the guy you insist gives the world’s best medical advice, Brendan Murphy.
MORRISON: Please, God. For my own wellbeing, I really want to explain. I’m fearful of being taken the wrong way. Here I go...
GOD: If you insist, but there really is no need.
MORRISON: The current splashing of money hither and thither really isn’t me. My hand has been forced because of this horrible virus. Doubling unemployment benefits, especially to the dickhead long term unemployed, really sticks in my craw. Bunch of useless leaners. My only solace is they can’t piss it up at the local pub.
GOD: Scott —
MORRISON: Not now, God. I must continue. That is really only the beginning. Having to tell the banks to ease up on insisting all loan repayments are honoured nearly killed me. Deadset — nearly killed me.
GOD: Scott —
MORRISON; Please God, this really is important to me. Giving millions and millions of workers the same wage: a generous $750 a week. One of the most disgusting things I’ve ever had, or will ever have to do. So much for rewarding initiative and offering incentive! Most of the buggers are on the same wicket now. Next, they’ll be wanting me to be on the same pay scale as a backbencher. While I’m at it, so many CEOs and corporate heavyweights are having to cop it sweet too — enduring savage cuts to their income. I really feel for them.
GOD: Scott —
MORRISON: Lord, how many times do I have to tell you? Not now! The toll on my family has been horrendous!
Poor Lily and Abbey were copping shit at school every lunchtime.“Your dad is a lousy commie, socialist drongo” and similar. They were coming home crying every day. I’ll probably have to close all schools after Easter; the abuse has been that bad.
And the news gets worse. Forget budget surpluses! With all I’ve had to splurge just to keep a roof over the heads and food in the bellies of millions of Aussies, the budget has blown out big time. The Reserve Bank has had to print truckloads of money to pay for it all – and will have to print truckloads more – to pay off the debt when we get to the other side.
I mean, what happens if the Reserve Bank calls in the Government’s debt to it? I’ll have to instruct them to print even more money, to keep for itself, to pay off our debt!
MORRISON: That’s only the half of it! Nationalising all the private hospitals has almost been the last straw. What will it do to our privatisation policies and push for small government in the long run? Could destroy it. But what can I do? Our public hospital health system – already at full capacity because of decades of tightening the medical belt – won’t be able to cope. So, of course I have to pull in all the empty hospital beds and underused medical equipment, by putting all the private hospitals under the public umbrella. My hand was forced! Nearly made me sick having to do it.
MORRISON: And I’ve had to call in the military to help protect Australians from this damn virus. Worst of all, I’ve had to put the khyber on large gatherings, inside and out. That means no Hillsong congregation gatherings! And no “Go Sharks”!
Cronulla is in mothballs. The team and the beach.
GOD: SCOTT! Enough already. My turn. Don’t feel so bad. Remember my son, Jesus? The sermon with the fish and loaves on the Mount of Beatitudes? What was that? Feeding the masses — that’s what it was.
And he kicked the merchants, money lenders and animal vendors out of the Temple. That’s equivalent to reigning the banks in, closing businesses and hopefully closing down the live animal markets.
As for the equalising of people’s pay packets, remember, you are all equal in my eyes and my Kingdom. My son said, “The meek shall inherit the Earth.” That’s precisely what you are doing. Helping those without a voice to be heard.
You’ve got nothing to worry about, Scott. Helping the masses was what my lad, Jesus, was on about. His words support a socialist philosophy, more so than a capitalist philosophy.
MORRISON: Fair dinkum?! Gosh, oh golly. Well, I’d never have thought ... how good’s that?! I can say I am doing the Lord Jesus’ work.
MORRISON: Actually, people are already calling me "ScoMoses"... has a nice ring. Schweppes! I’ve just had a horrible thought.
GOD: What now?
MORRISON: What if I vote for Labor, or even worse, Greens or Socialists at the next election? Their policies are closer to what I’m doing now than those of my own party!
GOD: Cross that bridge when you come to it. Is that it for now?
MORRISON: I think so. Jesus! Err, sorry Lord. I’ve just had another thought. Dutton will have the daggers out for me, for sure. Remember how I prided myself on stopping the boats and Peter would prattle on about how good he is at protecting our borders?
GOD: It does ring a bell with me...
MORRISON: He’ll be pissed off with me big time for letting all of those boat people off the Ruby Princess cruise ship. I know it is a ship and not literally a boat, but the principle is the same. In my defence, there were some Hillsong members on board and they couldn’t be left to just languish.
Peter’s annoyed because people were let into the country without having their passports checked. Fair dinkum! Talk about Peter the Pedantic!
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