Satire News

New religious laws set to ban Christmas, divorce, tattoos

By | | comments |
Attorney-General Michaelia Cash and Prime Minister Scott Morrison (Screenshots via YouTube)

Life will soon become like that Monty Python sketch where a bunch of clerics burst in on an unsuspecting group to announce that no-one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Though, in our case it will be the Religious Discrimination Act (currently in still a bill before the Federal Parliament).

Santa Claus doesn’t appear in the Bible, so he will have to go. He will be replaced by that naked man being tortured to death on a tree stump.

If you have read the bible you will know that God "bans" Christmas trees according to Jeremiah 10:3-4. Puritan Christians actually once banned Christmas in America in 1659 and offenders were fined five shillings. The Jehovah’s Witnesses still criticise it.

Tattoos are also banned in the Bible. Expect to be stripped naked at your job interview and minutely examined for any hidden tattoos. You won’t have a legal right to object if the boss is a Christian and so you will have to have surgery to remove the tattoo if you want a job.

Be careful of accepting an invitation to a Christmas barbecue if you are an uppity woman. They might be planning to barbecue you since the Bible says that 'Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live Exodus 22:18'. It has happened before.

The Bible is full of sick and perverted practices which will now be forced on an unwitting public. For instance, divorce is banned. No matter how violent or whether they engage in disgusting practices you will have to stay with your spouse until you die. And no job if you are divorced.

Those happy family scenes at Christmas are not part of God’s plan.

As Saint Mother Theresa has forewarned us. We are not meant to be happy but to suffer: 

'... remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus, a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you.'

Enjoy this Christmas while you can. When the Religious Discrimination Act kicks in, we’ll all be kissing Jesus.

Frank Jordan is co-author of Create More Butterflies. He also ran as a Queensland Senate candidate for the HEMP Party.

Related Articles

Support independent journalism Subscribe to IA.

Recent articles by Frank Jordan
New religious laws set to ban Christmas, divorce, tattoos

Life will soon become like that Monty Python sketch where a bunch of clerics burst ...  
A pivot to Africa would offset risky reliance on China

Africa is set to become the world’s next miracle economy and Australia is uniq ...  
Cannabis is the wild card at the Queensland Election

The legalisation of cannabis is one of the issues gaining attention in the upcoming ...  
Join the conversation
comments powered by Disqus

Support IAIndependent Australia

Subscribe to IA and investigate Australia today.

Close Subscribe Donate