After another stellar year, only slightly blighted by losing Government, Independent Australia looks at what the key figures in the Federal Coalition are doing over their well-deserved festive break.
ELITE LIBERAL PARTY STRATEGY TEAM
There is no Christmas respite for the elite Liberal Party strategy team. Despite running an outstandingly impressive and seemingly flawless 2022 Federal Election campaign, these consummate professionals know that the only way to stem the red tide is to work even harder in the new year.
So, this hardworking team – officially known as the Bi-Annual Liberal Strategy and Campaigning Secretariat (BALSACS) – is currently meeting in Biarritz to develop new and innovative strategies to promote Peter Dutton and the Liberal Party.
Now, to the casual observer, the task of promoting the tall, lean, achingly handsome, former Queensland policeman Peter Dutton as Opposition Leader might seem almost laughably easy. This beefy hunk of sunlight literally sells himself, right?
Well, that’s what most sane and sensible people would and indeed do think, but unfortunately, a streak of insanity seems to have infected our society, along with the alleged COVID pandemic and the mystifying re-election of despotic dictator Daniel Andrews in Victoria.
Independent Australia spoke to Chief Strategist Christopher Bobby-Brown, perhaps the BALSAC who has sweated the most over this perplexing issue, via Zoom, as he negotiated the chairlift adjacent to his humble five-storey chalet in Val d’Isère.
“The team have barely had a break since we’ve arrived here,” said a weary-looking Bobby-Brown, as he adjusted his ski goggles.
“We have been mainly working on the branding of Peter Dutton,” he continued, the almost impossibly white, gossamer-laced French Alps looming behind his beetle-like visage.
“We had great success with the ScoMo rebranding,” said Bobby-Brown. “So we are looking to replicate that strategy with Peter Dutton.”
“Unfortunately, our first choice – 'PeDo' – did not score well with focus groups.”
The chair lift had ceased its ascent and Bobby-Brown seemed eager to end our conversation, so IA enquired as to the current favourite.
“Our new favourite is 'PedOn' — and I will be giving someone a spray if that one doesn’t get the gold.”
And Bobby-Brown streaked away.
We reflected momentarily on the sacrifice Bobby-Brown had taken for his country and beloved Liberal Party, working in these bitterly cold conditions, halfway around the world, while his family luxuriated on the pleasant North Shore of Sydney over Christmas. But then, what else could we expect? Because, as we all know, the Liberal Party and its loyal and dedicated servants – that unstoppable avalanche of freedom and liberty in Australia – have never been dodgy at all. Nor, indeed, despite constant Labor Party slurs, have they ever tried to enrich themselves and their mates through their privileged positions. Never, ever!
Vive le porc!
PETER DUTTON AT YEPPEN
Meanwhile, at Yeppen, on the scenic southern floodplains of Rockhampton in Central Queensland, Opposition Leader Peter Dutton has similarly been hard at work.
It will come as no surprise to anyone that, like most former Australian drug cops, Peter Dutton is fabulously wealthy. And Australia’s business party leader has significant investments far and wide, over the length and breadth of Australia, and even, some have speculated, throughout South-East Asia’s prosperous Golden Triangle.
So how did Peter Dutton end up owning a small potato farm at Yeppen, far from the glitz and glamour of his swish and swanky Pine Rivers electorate, situated just north of the world-renowned hotspot for meth labs and alcohol-fuelled street violence, the bewitching and cosmopolitan Venice of Australia’s North, Bris Vegas?
It appears that though the Opposition Leader’s sense of direction is normally infallible, he had intended to visit Yeppoon but took a wrong turn and ended up in Yeppen, a mere 38 minutes in the exact opposite direction.
Yet, ever the optimist, Mr Dutton told IA:
“Look, I went to Yeppoon, to ensure no stray boat full of evil immigrants had docked. But then I found out from the locals, the place was actually called Yeppen, and was 30 kilometres inland.”
But why a potato farm?
“Well,” Mr Dutton replied, a wistful look coming over his face, “growing root vegetables for my own very private purposes is just one of my few guilty pleasures.”
Intriguing! But has he been working on the farm much these holidays, we asked.
“Not so much,” he replied, a far-off look appearing on his pallid face. "Mostly, I have been trying to learn how to smile in front of a mirror in the upstairs powder room.”
IA remarked that a vaguely alarming smile-like expression seemed to have been almost stitched onto his face since our arrival.
To which Peter Dutton replied ruefully:
“Yes, I know. It’s beginning to look a lot like rictus.”
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