Satire Opinion

HOW GOOD IS SCOMO?! The PM's list of achievements keeps growing

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Even those not old enough to vote are tired of Scott Morrison's ineptitude (Image by Dan Jensen)

Prime Minister Scott Morrison here again. I've updated my list of achievements leading up to the Election to remind you what you'll get for another three years if you vote for me:

Corruption? What corruption?

  • Snuck the phrase ritual abuse into my ‘National Apology to Victims of Survivors and Child Sexual Abuse’. It was allegedly at the request of my mate and QAnon's Australia leader, Tim Stewart and against the advice of the survivors of child sex abuse and a panel of government-appointed experts.
  • Used the Community Sport Infrastructure Grant Program to misappropriate $102.5 million towards 684 projects favouring Liberal electorates in the lead-up to the 2019 Federal Election.
  • Disregarded the findings of the Auditor General’s Report (as the only genuinely independent investigation) into the “sports rorts” affair — otherwise known as the “McKenzie Scandal”.
  • Refused to release the Gaetjens report (an “internal” investigation), which I claimed “exonerated” my people.
  • Applied our own “unique” criteria for selecting which electorates receive commuter car parks using the $660 million Urban Congestion Fund before the 2019 Election (sound familiar?). 
    • We did such a good job that none of the 47 commuter car park sites selected by the Government before the 2019 Election were picked by the infrastructure department. It’s just a coincidence that 27 of those car parks were approved the day of the announcement.
    • Despite the Auditor General’s request (after they determined the approvals were not effective or merit-based), I’ve decided to decline to detail my office’s involvement in the fund. Don't you worry about that!
  • Purchased a 12.26-hectare triangle of land for just under $30 million (an area known as the “Leppington Triangle” adjacent to the site for the Western Sydney Airport) despite the department of infrastructure valuing the land purchase at just $3 million. I didn’t know the Leppington Pastoral Company is operated by billionaire brothers Tony and Ron Perich and the company donated close to $177,000 to the Liberals since 2002, including $59,000 in 2018-19 — honestly I didn’t have a clue!

Abandonment issues

  • Manipulated the “Robodebt” scheme to create an unlawful and incorrect Centrelink debt collection system which resulted in my Government having to repay over 470,000 debts at a cost of just over $721 million — but not after countless lives had been ruined in the process, resulting in numerous suicides.
  • Asked the Trump Administration to invite my best mate Brian Houston to a state dinner at the White House to spruik his Hillsong Church and for six months, I refused to answer any questions around the invitation and derided the story as “gossip” before finally admitting it was true. It didn’t seem to matter that Brian was found by the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse to have failed to alert the police to allegations that his father had sexually assaulted children.
  • Took a family trip to Hawaii during the worst fires my nation had ever experienced and advised the Opposition Leader that I was on leave with my family — but did not disclose I was leaving the country during the raging fires. Indeed, Instructed my office not to divulge to the media (and the nation) that I was even overseas.
    • Watched the fires poolside while having a cold beer. Then, when I was forced to cut my Hawaii holiday short and return home, coined the phrase “I don’t hold a hose, mate” to lift the spirits of everyone affected by the fires, since over 3,500 homes were destroyed and 34 lives lost – including six firefighters – all of whom apparently were not above holding a hose.
    • Fed up with sitting on my backside and being useless, I demonstrated leadership by deploying the Australian Defence Forces to intervene and respond to the bushfire crisis — without the consultation of any of the relevant authorities, including the Rural Fire Services. To give them a welcome surprise, I kept it secret from the same authorities until I announced it to the press. Sure, it made a great political advertisement, too — just like my Tourism Australia gig.
  • Haven’t spent a single cent of the $5+ billion Disaster Recover and Mitigation Fund since its establishment in October 2019. In fact, it’s earned us a whopping $700 million in interest over that time... how good is that? Sure, there are people still living in caravans that have not rebuilt their homes, but it’s a fund of “last resort” — like when we desperately need good PR, or for “unannounced measures”.
    • Yep, after the brilliant job Senator Bridget McKenzie did with the Community Sport Infrastructure Grant Program (“sports rorts”), I knew she could do just as good a job as Minister for Emergency Management and National Recovery and Resilience — has a kind of a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

In touch with my feminine side

  • Bullied our first female CEO of Australia Post into resigning without investigating the facts of the matter and then refused to apologise for my treatment of her. As a father of two girls (when I’m reminded by my wife, Jenny), I hope I’ve set an example for them to reach for that glass ceiling — and to forget about the stars.
  • Denied knowing about the Brittany Higgins rape allegations before they were aired in the media, yet I advised the media that I offered to meet with her when she resigned as a staffer. Then we “backgrounded” her and her partner in the hope of creating a “dirt file”.
    • I concluded that rape is bad after Jenny reminded me that I have two daughters. Jenny also introduced me to use the word “empathy” and I’m currently working on its meaning.
    • I announced an independent investigation to determine when my office was aware of the allegations, only to halt it — not once, but twice.
  • Inspired the women of Australia by advising the participants of the women’s March4Justice they should be grateful to be able to march peacefully without being met with bullets.
  • Feeling the heat after all the sexual harassment in Canberra reports, I announced that we were adopting all 55 of the recommendations of Sex Discrimination Commissioner Kate Jenkins' Respect@Work report — which we had been sitting on for 18 months. We rushed it through legislation in September and implemented only six of those recommendations. We might get around to some of the other changes at some point, I’m just not sure when — I've got other stuff on my plate.

  • Backed my Attorney General, Christian Porter, when it was revealed there were allegations he raped a woman. Despite all the pressure, I refused to sack him. In fact, I declared him innocent.
  • In an unprecedented move, we rejected the Speaker’s advice that there was a prima facie case for my ex-Attorney General (yep, same bloke, Christian Porter). He admitted he used a blind trust with funds from unknown sources to pay his legal fees, but we managed to block the bid to refer the matter to the privileges committee.
  • Accomplished all of the above at a time when our Australian of the Year – a child sexual abuse survivor and rape victim – is trying to raise awareness and give a voice to women and children who have been sexually abused. It’s great to be “supporting” her work and following her example — I reckon she’d be really proud of me.
  • Had my Minister, Angus Taylor, declare himself exonerated by a police investigation into the false document distributed by his office (defaming Clover Moore), despite never having explained where it came from and the police never asking him.

How good was our pandemic response?

  • Encouraged the nation to carry on with business as usual and join me in going to the footy (despite COVID concerns), only to be thwarted by the state premiers who demonstrated real leadership by implementing lockdowns to achieve zero COVID-19 cases nationally — making Australia the envy of the world and leaving me with a golden opportunity to try and take the credit.
  • Introduced the JobKeeper scheme and omitted a clawback provision to help my big business mates and political donors make huge profits, removing all transparency mechanisms that were introduced for similar JobKeeper schemes in the United States, the United Kingdom and New Zealand.
  • Refused to list all businesses earning above $10 million that received the handout and the amount they were given. Many of those businesses are run by my mates!
  • Advised the nation we were first in the queue for the COVID-19 vaccine, when in fact we weren’t even in the queue.
  • Told the country that the national vaccination program was not a race when the evidence was clearly telling us it really should have been a sprint.
  • Snatched defeat from the jaws of victory at a time when Australia had one of the lowest COVID-19 case numbers in the world, by missing the opportunity to safeguard Australia with purpose-built quarantine facilities and stuffing up the vaccination rollout big time to make us the lowest vaccinated nation in the OECD.
  • Fed up with sitting on my backside and being useless, I introduced Operation COVID Shield and brought in the military to manage the COVID-19 vaccination program. True to form, my default response when it all hits the fan is to send in the cavalry. Hell, it worked for the fires, and the name “Operation COVID Shield” was a great distraction from my disaster of a vaccine rollout. (I would have used “Operation Warp Speed” if Trump hadn’t got in there first.) Remember, with my background in marketing, I always know a great opportunity for a PR exercise when I see one.
  • Pushed the “We’re all in this together” line during the lockdown when I exploited an exemption for essential workers to visit my family on Father’s Day — flying between Sydney and Canberra while many families were prevented from being with their loved ones.
    • Posted an image of an event from back in February so as not to reveal my whereabouts to the media — just like I did on my trip to Hawaii.

Giving Australians a fair go

  • Exploited the anti-vaccination movement and excused the behaviour of violent extremists so I could win the popularity contest and try to claw my way back in the polls.
  • Showed the states and territories that the feds could come to the rescue with our brilliant COVIDSafe app. This app would remove the hard yakka out of all that contact tracing and make my Government look competent. Well, after several launch date delays and the contract amount being tripled during production, we managed to identify a whopping 17 “close contacts” using the app. That’s an average return of $588,235 per contact tracing... how good is that? Let me know when my Government can be of any further assistance with the pandemic.
  • There’s so much money to be made out of this pandemic. Like awarding the centrepiece of our “Living With COVID” call centre program to the private equity firm Probe — owned by the ex-husband of our fabulous Minister for Superannuation, Financial Services and the Digital Economy, Ms Jane Hume.
    • Yep, after a robust contract tender reviewing process, we decided to award contracts worth more than $270 million to an agency that had staff with no experience and no medical qualifications to provide health advice through the “National Coronavirus Helpline”.
    • Since Jane and Andrew separated, Ms Hume was under no obligation to advise the Senate of her former partner’s business interests — just in case you’re wondering why Probe was also just one of a handful of companies that were given the contract to perform debt collection activities under our highly successful Robodebt scheme. Nothing to see here folks... let’s move along.
  • Pulled a prank on the French Prime Minister by pretending we were going to buy their submarines for $90 billion. When President Macron showed he couldn’t take a joke and called me a liar, I altered his message to sound like he was referring to all Australians so I could arouse some patriotism and win some “likes”. I just thought a little dose of the Cronulla Riots sentiment against the French would calm things down.   
  • Refused to attend a COP26 event because I knew that my position on climate change and being pro-coal and gas would attract international criticism and expose me to be alone in my views.
  • Although I was dragged to the COP26 in Glasgow, I let my actions do all the talking by blocking global collaboration on climate action; promoting the extension and expansion of fossil fuels such as coal, oil and gas; refusing to step up and set ambitious climate goals; ensuring that Australia finishes dead-last on climate out of all the nations that attended; and cementing our global reputation as a climate action blocker.
  • Saved the Australian people back in 2019 from ruining their weekends for an electric car. They can’t tow a boat, can’t tow a trailer, they can’t even float. Well, fast-forward two years and my opinion of them’s changed a little. Hang on… wait a sec… sorry, my opinion hasn’t changed. What I meant was I was always for the electric car, I just didn’t think it was right to mandate them. Hang on, if the Opposition is claiming that its policy did not feature a mandate on the electric car, then that’s a lie. I’m telling the truth… it’s a lie. No, I’m telling the truth that they lied, not me. No, I don’t have any evidence that they wanted to mandate them, but it’s the truth about them lying. They always lie — especially when I do a U-turn on any of my policies.
  • While on the topic of lies, when I was asked in a radio interview if I have ever told a lie in public life, I answered it as truthfully as I could — with my fingers crossed behind my back. I said, “I don’t believe I have”. Now, if you ignore the French President’s opinion, the electric car policy, the vaccination rollout, the Brittany Higgins matter, the Taiwan one country, two systems statement, the “Shanghai Sam” tweet and everything else abovementioned, it’s all just a misunderstanding on the Australian people’s behalf. I’m an honest bloke. Truly!

  • Delivered an awesome Christmas message to the Australian people. I told them to stare the Omicron virus down and gave them a taste of anarchy when I announced the Government should not interfere in their lives during the festive season.
    • Yep, I left all the responsibility to the individual, like
      • getting access to a PCR test when the queues stretched for kilometres;
      • locating an affordable RAT test because we hadn’t thought to buy enough supplies from our own local manufacturers;
      • scrambling to get a booster shot to before getting infected with Omicron;
      • finding food and groceries in empty supermarkets — you name it!
    • I give thanks to friends like Gerry Harvey and our other oligarchs for retailing the RATs and naming their price in the true spirit of my “can-do capitalism” philosophy. What an awesome Christmas!
    • And just to rub salt and horseradish into the wounds of all those struggling out there, I thought I’d post some images of me on New Year’s eve making barbeque barramundi and Kerala fish curry — how good is that?
  • Announced in mid-October 2021 that we “secured” the breakthrough COVID treatment drug Paxlovid, which was technically correct. This drug has been used with enormous success and saved countless lives in the U.S., Israel and other nations since the beginning of January. We’re not sure when it will be arriving on our shores, but we’ll keep you distracted with national security matters until it arrives.
  • I’m extremely proud of Josh’s brilliant idea to get children to drive forklifts. Giving kids jobs over the summer and an opportunity to appreciate the value of money, while returning the favour to all our L-NP donors with cheap labour — it’s a win-win. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better for them than JobKeeper!
  • When things really started to boil during our “living with COVID” season, we turned our attention to more important matters and addressed our greatest threat to our national security — Novak Djokovic. Yes, on the advice of my office (staffed by those Crosby Textor boys) and with a little help from the Murdoch press, we managed to distract the entire nation from all their woes and forget about the pandemic for an entire week. Now that’s what I call “dead-catting”!

  • Exhibiting a classic case of double standards, I refused to condemn my L-NP colleagues George Christensen, Matt Canavan and Craig Kelly for coordinating anti-vaccination disinformation campaigns and protests to undermine our national vaccination program and cause chaos. One minute, I’m cheering our people on to get vaccinated and the next minute, I’m telling the media that my Parliamentary colleagues have a right to express an opinion that ignores the facts and scientific evidence. You think you’re confused... how do you think I feel?
  • Anyway, at least Djokovic was a lot cheaper to accommodate at the Park Hotel than the 32 refugees detained there for over nine years, costing the Australian Government an average of $471,493 per refugee per year (or over $15 million per year for just 32 detainees). To think that if they bothered to get Australian citizenship, they would be only paying $109 per night!
    • So when I was pressed on 2GB Radio about why my Government was wasting so much money to detain legitimate refugees instead of letting them free, I just pled ignorance and asserted they weren’t refugees. Who cares about the facts — Trump got away with constantly lying, so why can’t I?
  • Handed a massive government contract to run Australia’s offshore processing on Nauru to a Brisbane construction company with just $8 in assets that had not even commenced trading. The contract was originally worth $385 million, but we amended it seven times to blow it out to $1.6 billion! Asylum seekers aren’t cheap to accommodate, you know — they EACH cost $350,000 a month ($11,667 a day or $4.3 million per year) just to pretend we’re keeping you safe from these harmless refugees... what an awesome return on investment!
    • Yep, it’s just a coincidence that the contract went to one of our favourite political donors — the Queensland-based Murphy family. After all, we did get KPMG to do a due diligence exercise showing the $8 construction company (Canstruct International) was a legitimate candidate for the tender... even though they assessed the wrong company! Yep, you read it right. We paid KPMG all that money to review the wrong company. How good is Karen Andrews, who also happens to reside in the same state as the Murphy family?
  • Around the time that our champion of family values and Deputy PM Barnaby Joyce was distracted by his communications staffer, he sealed an excellent deal for the taxpayer with an initiative that is now known as the “Watergate” scandal. Yep, as the Water Minister, he approved an $80 million gift (sorry, I mean “payment”) to Eastern Australia Agriculture (EAA) to “buy back” the water held on its property, which ultimately proved useless. It’s just a coincidence that EAA was founded by Barnaby’s mate and fellow L-NP MP Angus Taylor. It’s also a coincidence that Barnaby’s department responsible for water buy-backs rejected a valuation that valued the water holdings at $1.4 million, which is less than one-fiftieth of what the Government eventually paid. In fact, the Government’s gift of $80 million comes in at 57 times the true value of the asset, bringing the Cayman Island registered parent company (yep, that’s right) a windfall of $52 million in profit! To top it off, the water entitlements my Government bought were considered more unreliable overland water. Remember, it’s only a rort if you’re not involved.
  • Showing my softer side, I delivered an apology to parliamentary staff abuse victims. Sure, I couldn’t allow myself to be upstaged after learning that the Leader of the Opposition was going to deliver one personally, but at least I did it.
    • Oh, and someone (can’t remember who) was kind enough to remind me the afternoon before that it might be better for some staff who were allegedly abused to actually be present in Parliament when the apology was delivered. No need to harp on the Jenkins Report — a simple “sorry” should do the job.

Taking care of bills

  • As the first Pentecostal Prime Minister, I sought to introduce the Religious Discrimination Bill to save our youth from being converted into gays, lesbians, trans-genders and whatever else is out there. Plus, having the ability to threaten these students with expulsion might make them change their minds and stay happy — conversion therapy works, you know.
  • Following on from the success of our sports rorts and car park rorts affair, we’ve gone bigger and better to set aside a whopping $16.1 billion dollars in unannounced measures. We titled this pot of gold as “decisions taken but not yet announced”. The journalists label it an L-NP “war chest” for pork-barrelling, but I just see it as setting some cash aside for the opportunistic timing of announcements. Yep, cheating is in my DNA.
  • Fed up with sitting on my backside and being useless (again), I launched Operation Aged Care Assist and brought in the military to manage the mess I created in aged care by appointing Richard “Dick” Colbeck in charge. Once again, when it all hits the fan, just send in the cavalry. It was great PR during the fires and the vaccine rollout.
    • It’ll also take the heat off Josh for reducing the funding to Aged Care — if it wasn’t for the pandemic, nobody would have known about it.
  • Proposed a Social Media (anti-trolling) Bill in Parliament, under the guise of protecting ordinary Australians from hateful, prejudiced, discriminatory and offensive material on social media platforms. Okay, when I said “ordinary Australians”, what I meant was just your ordinary Federal L-NP parliamentarian. As I’ve said before, I’ve got broad shoulders and I can take a sledging, but I wanna be able to sue everyone that hurts my feelings — especially when it’s on Twitter and Facebook. Sure, the bill won’t stop online bullying, but it’ll make anyone think twice about criticising the Government.

  • Made a heartfelt apology to the Stolen Generations and told the victims and their families that “sorry” is not as hard to say as “I forgive you” (‘cause I know, I’ve experienced similar trauma). I’m pretty sure the German Government told all the people of the Jewish faith to forgive them and move on — so what’s their problem?
  • Ensured the safety of all Australians by putting China in its place and preparing the nation for war. Using the Donald Trump playbook (and co-authored by Crosby Textor), it’s an awesome political point-scoring opportunity. First, I attack the Opposition on national security and immigration. Then, I attack all the intel chiefs that don’t play along with me (ASIO, AFP, ASIS, NIC and DIO). Without creating fear around national security and war-mongering, we don’t stand a chance against the Opposition.
  • Being short of Ministers with integrity in the L-NP, I recycled Sussan Ley after her break from the spotlight following her resignation for rorting taxpayer-funded travel expenses — which included travel to attend two New Year’s Eve events hosted by a prominent Queensland businesswoman and L-NP donor, as well as purchasing an $800,000 luxury apartment on the Gold Coast while on a supposed “work-trip”.
    • As my Minister for Environment, Sussan has done an excellent job and never worked so hard to lobby almost 20 nations during a whirlwind eight-day lobbying trip across 18 countries, meeting their ambassadors either face-to-face or virtually. The aim? Not to save the environment, but to reject a recommendation by UNESCO to place our increasingly coral-bleached Great Barrier Reef on the “world heritage in danger” list. Yes, this was a major triumph of politics over science, folks. And of course, my Government is prepared to spend big on the environment. For instance, Sussan was flown privately in one of our new RAAF Dassault Falcon 7X planes, costing in the region of $4,200 per hour in the air and emitting enough greenhouse gas from the aviation fuel to bleach another reef.
    • Ah yes, Sussan’s the person with just the right amount of integrity to be my Environment Minister. Her refusal to release the Australia State of the Environment report, which was handed to her in December 2021, is a shining example of that. The report, which is produced by our leading scientists and compiled every five years, is required to be tabled by the Minister within 15 days of receiving it, but Sussan is holding out to release it until after the Election. Because no one wants to hear more bad news — especially after the way we’ve handled the bushfires, the pandemic, the floods and pretty much anything else that we’ve been tasked with.
  • Speaking of the environment... the Bureau of Meteorology (BoM) warned us back on 5 November 2021 about the high-risk weather facing the nation over the approaching summer right through to April inclusive. So we responded in the best way we knew. We labelled the BoM briefing to my National Cabinet as “strictly confidential” and buried it.
    • Sure, they predicted widespread flooding, coastal flooding and erosion for the first four months of 2022, with south-east Queensland and far north NSW the hardest-hit areas, but who wants to hear bad news over the holidays? We just thought it was in the nation’s interests to keep these documents secret — particularly since these experts are looney scientists just like those global warming alarmists. We didn’t really think they were being serious... or accurate, for that matter.
  • So when the floods actually arrived as predicted, I made sure we responded in the same fashion with the flood crisis in Queensland as we did with the bushfires in 2019. Yep, I issued a disaster recovery payment of a whopping $1,000 per homeless adult and $400 per homeless child on 27 February 2022 — a whole month after the floods first began on 1 February 2022 and only after the polls showed me taking a nose-dive.
    • And when I finally visited the areas devastated by the floods, Bridget and I made sure there were no members of the community around, so we could be all smiles for our photo opportunities. Just me, a few members of the press and some smiling military personnel. C’mon, I did my bit and mopped a flooded basketball court in Brisbane. I know how much these Queenslanders love their sports in times of crisis.
  • Fed up with sitting on my backside and being useless (again), I launched – wait for it – “Operation Flood Assist” and brought in the military to manage the mess created by my Government’s inaction to mitigate the floods. After my PR success of “Operation Bushfire Assist”, “Operation COVID Shield” and “Operation Aged Care Assist”, I figured this would help everyone forget that my Government funded just three out of the 20 flood mitigation measures the Queensland Premier had been pressing me on since November 2020.
  • And sure, the Australian Government Crisis and Recovery Committee first considered declaring Lismore a flood crisis on 1 March 2022, but I had to wait until I could get out of isolation to take the camera crew out for a photo opportunity in Lismore on 9 March – more than a week after the flood levees were breached, putting the entire town underwater – before I could declare them a national emergency.
    • Of course, I share the same philosophy as my mate and former Federal President of the Liberal Party, Shane Stone, who I hand-picked to be the Coordinator-General of the National Recovery and Resilience Agency when he said: “You’ve got people who want to live among the gum trees — what do you think is going to happen? Their house falls in the river and they say it’s the Government’s fault.” I mean, these people just don’t appreciate how much work Shane does in coordinating disasters for a mere $500,000+ salary.
  • How good is my Minister for Emergency Management and National Recovery and Resilience (Bridget McKenzie’s) explanation of the $5+ billion fund as a term deposit? Well, what she meant was that we’re using it as petty cash to help save the fossil fuel industry when it falls on hard times. I mean, these poor billionaires have been copping a lot of flak over all these natural disasters occurring almost every day now. As I said in my famous speech in 2017 while holding up a chunk of coal to everyone in Parliament and shouting ecstatically, “This is coal. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be scared. It won’t hurt you.” Okay, what I meant was, it’ll stuff up the environment and cause unprecedented natural disasters, but it won’t hurt you immediately.
  • Not satisfied with my “I don’t hold a hose, mate” comment during the nation’s worst bushfires on record, I thought I could better that during the worst flood crisis we’ve ever had with my comment, “I know I’ve got critics who say you shouldn't be spending money on helping people during these crises”.
    • I just wasn’t expecting Leigh Sales (from the ABC’s 7.30) to call me out on who exactly said that. They didn’t allow me enough time in the interview to explain the philosophy of “Mammon” and the “prosperity” mantra that underpins my Pentecostal faith — that people who are poor, low-wage or unemployed need to just get themselves out of their situation.

  • It’s good to know everyone’s got my back when I’m exposed as a psychopath and only too happy to come to my defence and provide a character reference. Even more reassuring is that it’s the people that worked closely with me and who know me best that are coming out to make the flattering comments. Like my ex-Parliamentary colleague Julia Banks, who affectionately described me as menacing controlling wallpaper, which is one of the nicer things that my ministers have had to say about me.
  • In a revealing series of text message exchanges between the ex-NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian and one of my loyal cabinet ministers, I was described as a ‘horrible person’ who is ‘actively spreading lies and briefing against’ her.
    • The response from my minister was that I am a ‘complete psycho’, I am ‘desperate and jealous’ and that the ‘mob have worked [me] out and think [I am] a fraud’. Naturally, as a narcissist and a psychopath, I don’t agree with those comments.
  • Also coming to my defence was my loyal lieutenant, champion of family values and Deputy PM, Barnaby Joyce, who forwarded a character reference in a text message to Ms Brittany Higgins, describing me as a ‘hypocrite and a liar from my observations over a long time’ and he ‘never trusted [me] and dislikes how [I] earnestly rearranges the truth to a lie’. I was both in admiration and in relief with the restraint in his comments.
  • In a testament to my leadership skills and track record of supporting women’s issues, my other loyal lieutenant, Senator Concetta Fierravanti-Wells, paid me a string of compliments in Parliament, labelling me an “autocrat and bully who has no moral compass”, a man who is “not fit to be Prime Minister” and said “a fish stinks from the head”. Let me tell you, you don’t need a second opinion when someone the likes of Concetta labels you a bully! The only thing that shocked me about her comments was just how well she actually knew me.
  • Echoing the sentiments of Senator Concetta Fierravanti-Wells are:
    • Senator Pauline Hanson — labelling me as a “bully” and “an arrogant man”... and this is from someone who did a stint in gaol!
    • Senator Jacqui Lambie — labelling me as a “bully”, “intimidating” and “probably one of the most unpleasant men” she has had to sit in front of... and this is coming from someone who served in the Australian Army!
  • Joining the chorus of female politicians commending me for the bullying culture I have proudly fostered as the leader of the Liberal Party, as well as my envious track record with women, is none other than the senior and respected NSW Liberal MP Catherine Cusack. Her quotes included, “He has totally lost his moral compass”, “It’s unbelievable that any political leader would behave like this in relation to flood victims” and “I can’t vote for Morrison, full stop, at the next election”.
    • As an expert in gaslighting, I can understand Ms Cusack being upset at me for not providing flood relief to her hometown of Richmond in the Northern Rivers, but she shouldn’t have chosen to live in a Labor-held seat in the first place. Didn’t anyone tell her about our pork-barrelling colour-coded spreadsheets? As a gaslighting expert, I just keep telling journalists that all these distinguished politicians and public figures who criticise me: “They just have an axe to grind.”
  • In startling news to me, Michael Towke – the former Liberal candidate for my electorate – branded me “a compulsive liar” and declared I don’t deserve to be Prime Minister. He also claimed that I weaponised race against him during the controversial preselection for Cook in 2007. Surely my denial of these events carries more weight than the statutory declarations signed by Mr Towke and another person involved in the pre-selection process.
    • The statutory declarations attesting to their claims state that I told the pre-selectors “a candidate of Lebanese heritage could not hold the seat of Cook, especially after the Cronulla riots” and that I sparked a strong rumour that Towke was a Muslim. I don’t believe that influenced the state executive to overturn my opponent’s original victory against me where he received a whopping 82 votes and I received just eight. No, I think it was just pure luck that I got a narrow win in the re-contest for pre-selection.

  • And in selling the latest Budget, I had a real “let them eat cake” moment when I told the Australian people that the way to solve the rental affordability crisis is to simply help renters buy a house... it’s that easy! And you all thought I lacked empathy.
    • Luckily, no one asked me again about the price of a loaf of bread, a litre of milk, a rapid antigen test or a litre of petrol. I haven’t had a chance to surf the internet for the answers ‘cause I was tied up with all the photo-ops leading up to the budget. I did ask all the staffers in my office (including those Crosby-Textor boys) but they didn’t have a clue, either.
  • In a desperate attempt to climb our way back into the polls, my ministers have resorted to making false promises in Parliament. In speeches delivered the day after the Budget by Assistant Treasurer Michael Sukkar in the House of Representatives and Superannuation Minister Jane Hume in the Senate, they claimed the Budget included $10 in cost reductions for a number of prescribed medicines on the pharmaceutical benefits scheme. The only problem was the budget measure was ditched at the last minute and the speeches that were drafted earlier were not corrected before my ministers read them out.
    • But even more controversial was the fact that my ministers altered the Hansard to hide the promises they could not honour, rather than state their corrections in the Chamber as required. Sure, it’s a criminal offence to deliberately mislead Parliament and alter public records, but my Government’s suffered enough embarrassing moments recently without adding this one to the list. Anyway, as the PM, everyone knows I’ve set the precedent for falsifying records.
  • My Education Minister and champion of family values, Alan Tudge, continued the long L-NP tradition of our male MPs exploiting the significant power imbalances and perpetuating abusive relationships with staffers. And ensuring that my Party enabled these behaviours, we sanitised the inquiry’s terms of reference to prevent an investigation that could have amounted to criminal conduct.
  • Had our favourite law firm and L-NP donors Sparke Helmore Lawyers conduct the investigation into potential misconduct by Liberal MPs in the Australian Parliament Prayer Room. Allegations included the assistance by staffers in the procurement of male escorts or sex workers that were arranged to attend Parliament House to engage in sexual intercourse with Liberal MPs. The law firm completed the investigation before submitting it to the Finance Department.
    • The report was labelled ‘Private and Confidential’ and consequently there were no specific findings, recommendations or further comments on the “independent” investigation. Even the whistle-blower was refused access to any of the information arising from the investigation — including his own evidence.
    • Of course, this has nothing to do with the fact that Sparke Helmore Lawyers received more than $162 million in work from my Government, with more than 865 contracts issued to the firm. Or that special counsel Nell McGill is running as a Liberal Party candidate in the NSW electorate of Shortland.
  • Set some incredible records for our economy. We now carry the largest gross government debt in our history at $915 billion, with Australian households the second most indebted in the world — only behind Switzerland. None of our electorates really understand micro and macroeconomics, so I’ll just keep plugging the myth that the L-NP are historically better economic managers of the nation.
  • Did more photo opportunities and performed more cosplay than all other prime ministers and state premiers combined. Yeah, it’s so much fun being the PM — I get to do the hairdressing thing and the welding thing. I almost lost my vision doing that one. Look, I know, if I put as much effort into governing as I did marketing, then I wouldn’t need marketing to pretend I’m governing. But I still can’t believe I got the PM gig, so what am I gonna show all my Hillsong and QAnon mates that I at least did something on the job, if I haven’t got the bloody pictures?
  • Opposed the establishment of a genuinely independent federal anti-corruption watchdog, despite promising it before the last Election. Hell, can you imagine me and my team getting away with any of the abovementioned stuff if we had one? Strewth!

But wait — there’s more work for me to do, Australia. So I’m really looking forward to another term of doing what I do best — kicking footballs, eating meat pies, cheering and cavorting at footy matches wearing my Sharkies scarf, donning my helmet and high-vis gear, driving trucks, giving the two-thumbs-up — and anything else that strategically markets me as just your ordinary bloke.


Moral Compass is true north — neither left nor right-leaning. If we focus on restoring integrity, transparency and accountability to government, the rest will fall into place.

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