Satire

Career counselling with Rocky

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(Cartoon by Mark David / @mdavidcartoons)

Rocky Dabscheck recently took on a position as a careers counsellor at a leading secondary college, where he discovers some of the students could make fine politicians.

ROCKY:  Well Billy, I’ve read your teachers' reports and they all speak glowingly about you. Have you considered a future career in politics?

BILLY:  No. Why would you suggest that?

ROCKY:  Simple. I’ll run through some of what your teachers have written, and they appeal to me as the attributes required of a politician. Intelligent. Able to understand and articulate complex issues.

BILLY:  Really. That’s good. But how does Pauline Hanson fit that pre-requisite?

ROCKY:  This is about you. No one else. You are described as being very loyal. That is essential to succeed in politics.

BILLY:  Well how about Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Bill Shorten, Tony Abbott and Malcolm Turnbull.

ROCKY:  That’s my point. Four of them have been prime minister and, going by the polls, the fifth one will be soon.

BILLY:  What else?

ROCKY:  Thy say you keep your word. If you say something, you will do it.

BILLY: Oh. What about John Howard’s "core and non core promises"? Tony Abbott’s “No cuts to the ABC”? Julia Gillard’s “No carbon tax"? I could go on.

ROCKY:  I’d rather you didn’t. This is about you remember. I’ll continue… Never ostentatious. Always humble in style.

BILLY:  How about Bronwyn Bishop? I hear she want man servants to carry her to the local shops.

ROCKY:  That’s not funny. I’ll continue. They say you are a very sober young man, in your manner and habits.

BILLY:  What about Tony Abbott missing a vote? Jamie Briggs not quite missing the table and Joe Hockey dancing on the table. John Howard’s $120,000 wine bill for one year. Craig…

ROCKY:  Enough. You’ve made your point, Billy. May I continue. They mention you are very inclusive of people from different cultures to your own.

BILLY:  Cory Bernardi. Pauline Hanson. Peter Dutton.

ROCKY:  Enough already. Next point. Not prone to making rash statements and jumping to far-fetched, over exaggerated conclusions.

BILLY:  Two words. Cory Bernardi. Make that four words. Julie Bishop.

ROCKY:  OK. Please, now back to you. A great team player.

BILLY:  Great team player! Eric Abetz. Kevin Andrews. Tony Abbott. George Christensen.

ROCKY:  Please, Billy, remember, this is about you. Reliable with all financial aspects. Never a spendthrift.

BILLY:  Arthur Sinodinos. Bronwyn Bishop. Tony Abbott. Pauline Hanson.

ROCKY:  Possesses a wonderful memory.

BILLY:  Arthur Sinodinos.

ROCKY:  Is very loyal to the one organisation or master.

BILLY:  Bruce Billson.

ROCKY:  Always acts for the common good.

BILLY:  Eddie Obeid.

ROCKY:  Displays great compassion to others, including the other.

BILLY:  Peter Dutton

ROCKY:  Knows, respects and understands his family heritage.

BILLY:   Barnaby Joyce. Malcolm Roberts. Matt Canavan and ...

ROCKY:  Er, that’s enough of that. Let’s continue. Works for the common good and not personal gain.

BILLY:  Stuart Roberts.

ROCKY:  Never looks to gain privately from his public position.

BILLY:  Bruce Billson. Andrew Robb. Stuart Roberts.

ROCKY:  Displays decisive leadership qualities.

BILLY:  Malcolm Turnbull.

ROCKY:  Stays true to his beliefs, even when it means swimming against the tide.

BILLY:  Malcolm Turnbull.

ROCKY:  Knows when to butt out and allow fresh voices to have their say.

BILLY:  John Howard. Tony Abbott.

ROCKY:  Is gracious in victory and defeat.

BILLY:  Malcolm Turnbull

ROCKY:  Really Billy. You must desist. This is about you and a possible future career for you.

BILLY:  Yes, I know. I will definitely have a good think about it.

ROCKY:  I am pleased. Oh, just one more before I let you go. Accepts mea culpa and does not sheet the blame always to others.

BILLY:  Malcolm Turnbull. Scott Morrison. Josh Frydenberg.

ROCKY:  Billy. Please. Enough. Thank you, but you can go now. Send in the next student on your way out for me please.

BILLY:  Will do.

The next student enters the Careers Office.

ROCKY:  Welcome Tony. Let’s see what your report says about you.

Mmm.... Untrustworthy. Lacking depth. Scornful of facts. Self-centred. Fear mongering. Quick to blame others. No  intellectual rigour. Disloyal. 

Tony, have you considered a career in politics?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: There are many, many other names I could add to this list. I have largely shied away from those not on the Tory side of the ledger, but hey, Murdoch’s press fixates on them, some would say, more than enough.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders.

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