Rocky Dabscheck recently took on a position as a careers counsellor at a leading secondary college, where he discovers some of the students could make fine politicians.
ROCKY: Well Billy, I’ve read your teachers' reports and they all speak glowingly about you. Have you considered a future career in politics?
BILLY: No. Why would you suggest that?
ROCKY: Simple. I’ll run through some of what your teachers have written, and they appeal to me as the attributes required of a politician. Intelligent. Able to understand and articulate complex issues.
BILLY: Really. That’s good. But how does Pauline Hanson fit that pre-requisite?
ROCKY: This is about you. No one else. You are described as being very loyal. That is essential to succeed in politics.
BILLY: Well how about Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Bill Shorten, Tony Abbott and Malcolm Turnbull.
ROCKY: That’s my point. Four of them have been prime minister and, going by the polls, the fifth one will be soon.
BILLY: What else?
ROCKY: Thy say you keep your word. If you say something, you will do it.
BILLY: Oh. What about John Howard’s "core and non core promises"? Tony Abbott’s “No cuts to the ABC”? Julia Gillard’s “No carbon tax"? I could go on.
ROCKY: I’d rather you didn’t. This is about you remember. I’ll continue… Never ostentatious. Always humble in style.
BILLY: How about Bronwyn Bishop? I hear she want man servants to carry her to the local shops.
ROCKY: That’s not funny. I’ll continue. They say you are a very sober young man, in your manner and habits.
BILLY: What about Tony Abbott missing a vote? Jamie Briggs not quite missing the table and Joe Hockey dancing on the table. John Howard’s $120,000 wine bill for one year. Craig…
ROCKY: Enough. You’ve made your point, Billy. May I continue. They mention you are very inclusive of people from different cultures to your own.
BILLY: Cory Bernardi. Pauline Hanson. Peter Dutton.
ROCKY: Enough already. Next point. Not prone to making rash statements and jumping to far-fetched, over exaggerated conclusions.
BILLY: Two words. Cory Bernardi. Make that four words. Julie Bishop.
ROCKY: OK. Please, now back to you. A great team player.
BILLY: Great team player! Eric Abetz. Kevin Andrews. Tony Abbott. George Christensen.
ROCKY: Please, Billy, remember, this is about you. Reliable with all financial aspects. Never a spendthrift.
BILLY: Arthur Sinodinos. Bronwyn Bishop. Tony Abbott. Pauline Hanson.
ROCKY: Possesses a wonderful memory.
BILLY: Arthur Sinodinos.
ROCKY: Is very loyal to the one organisation or master.
BILLY: Bruce Billson.
ROCKY: Always acts for the common good.
BILLY: Eddie Obeid.
ROCKY: Displays great compassion to others, including the other.
BILLY: Peter Dutton
ROCKY: Knows, respects and understands his family heritage.
BILLY: Barnaby Joyce. Malcolm Roberts. Matt Canavan and ...
ROCKY: Er, that’s enough of that. Let’s continue. Works for the common good and not personal gain.
BILLY: Stuart Roberts.
ROCKY: Never looks to gain privately from his public position.
BILLY: Bruce Billson. Andrew Robb. Stuart Roberts.
ROCKY: Displays decisive leadership qualities.
BILLY: Malcolm Turnbull.
ROCKY: Stays true to his beliefs, even when it means swimming against the tide.
BILLY: Malcolm Turnbull.
ROCKY: Knows when to butt out and allow fresh voices to have their say.
BILLY: John Howard. Tony Abbott.
ROCKY: Is gracious in victory and defeat.
BILLY: Malcolm Turnbull
ROCKY: Really Billy. You must desist. This is about you and a possible future career for you.
BILLY: Yes, I know. I will definitely have a good think about it.
ROCKY: I am pleased. Oh, just one more before I let you go. Accepts mea culpa and does not sheet the blame always to others.
BILLY: Malcolm Turnbull. Scott Morrison. Josh Frydenberg.
ROCKY: Billy. Please. Enough. Thank you, but you can go now. Send in the next student on your way out for me please.
BILLY: Will do.
The next student enters the Careers Office.
ROCKY: Welcome Tony. Let’s see what your report says about you.
Mmm.... Untrustworthy. Lacking depth. Scornful of facts. Self-centred. Fear mongering. Quick to blame others. No intellectual rigour. Disloyal.
Tony, have you considered a career in politics?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: There are many, many other names I could add to this list. I have largely shied away from those not on the Tory side of the ledger, but hey, Murdoch’s press fixates on them, some would say, more than enough.
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