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Britain cancels democracy experiment

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Prime Minister Boris Johnson (Screenshot via YouTube)

The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, today put an end to democracy in the nation.

In response to his utter inability to get anything through Parliament regarding Britain’s imminent exit from the European Union, and facing a possible no-confidence vote, Johnson yesterday prorogued Parliament a second time. This time, however, he announced no plans for it to regather at any future date.

Johnson said it was time Britain ended its centuries-long “experimentation” with democracy.

“Let’s face it,” said Johnson today in the House of Commons, “democracy has never really worked too well in this country. Just ask the House of Lords, they can’t stand it!”

“It has given the lower orders, like that beastly Jeremy Corbyn and his Communist supporters, all sorts of up-jumped ideas above their station,” he said.

“We have given it centuries to catch on, but no-one is too happy with it, so let’s let those who were rogered senseless at nice boarding schools run things — just like they always have done.”

“And always will do!” Johnson concluded triumphantly, to loud applause and bellowing from the Government benches.

As ever, the Queen did not comment on Parliamentary matters. However, her position may be deduced by the speedy Royal assent given to Johnson’s executive order.

PUBLIC VOTES ON NATIONAL NAME CHANGE

At the same time, Johnson has announced a public competition to rename both “Great Britain” and the “United Kingdom” to distinguish it from the previous semi-democratic state.

In early voting, “Reasonable Britain” and “Tolerable Britain” gathered a fair amount of support, as did “Disunited Kingdom” and “At Each Other's Throats Kingdom”. In clear second place was the succinct “Idiotland”, while in first place, by a long margin, was “Britty McBritainface”.

Jeremy Corbyn was contacted for comment but was unable to be reached at his new offices in the Tower of London.

You can follow managing editor Dave Donovan on Twitter @davrosz.

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