Beautiful? Or just plain tariff-ic

It's difficult to know how insulting tariffs are when Donald Trump describes everything as 'beautiful', writes John Longhurst.

THE SONG ‘Beautiful Day’ by U2 played in the background as Mick rotated the schooner a number of times and rubbed his chin with his other palm.

He sighed as Bazza joined him at the bar table and took a sip of the offered schooner.

Bazza said:

“You look a bit down, Mick. What’s up?”

Mick bit his little fingernail and whispered:

“My wife called me a ‘tariff’ this morning, Bazza. I don’t know what to make of it. Maybe it is an insult or maybe it is a compliment. Let’s just say the accompanying smile was ambiguous.”

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Bazza chuckled softly and closed his eyes for a moment:

“She might be saying you are being a bit selfish. You know, just thinking about yourself. Or perhaps she finds being with you a bit taxing. Then again, she may be hinting you should make things in your back shed as opposed to multiple trips to Bunnings or to the middle aisle of Aldi.”

Mick bit his bottom lip:

“None of that is good news, Bazza. So, it’s an insult?”

A long pause before Bazza rubbed his neck and leaned in:

“Then again, Mick, the word ‘tariff’ is synonymous with the word ‘beautiful’ in Donald Trump’s vocabulary. She may well be complimenting you on those killer good looks.”

Mick’s face brightened as Bazza paused:

“In a speech back in June 2024, Trump said, ‘If I took this shirt off, you’d see a beautiful, beautiful person.’ Now, Mick, she may well have had that in mind when she called you a ‘tariff’.”

Mick took a long sip, smiled widely and took in the chorus of ‘Beautiful Day’.

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The publican, Bella’s pretend double cough caught Bazza’s grin:

“You have cheered me up no end, Bazza.”

Bazza clicked his tongue:

“But then again, Mick, he uses ‘beautiful’ as a very adaptive adjective. Since running for office, he has used it thousands upon thousands of times. He uses it as a compliment, as well as an insult.”

The blood drained from Mick’s face as Bazza took a measured sip:

He used it to insult both Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris. And, I must say, it seemed an odd word choice to use ‘beautiful’ to describe a gorilla, a police raid, a door, coal, soil, sleeping gas for terrorists, military weapons, the bond market, tax dollars, White House phones, fighter jets, a note from Chinese President Xi Jinping, letters from North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un and even a football tackle. In fact, he even used ‘beautiful’ to describe his own sentences.

Mick’s shoulders slumped as Bazza gazed wistfully into the distance:

Just think — the first line from the Carl Sandburg’s poem ‘Autumn Movement’:

‘I cried over beautiful things knowing no beautiful thing lasts’, will soon become:

‘I cried over tariff things knowing no tariff thing lasts’.

John Longhurst is a former industrial advocate and political adviser. He currently works as an English and History teacher on the South Coast of NSW.