Monty Python homage: What have migrants ever done for us?

John Longhurst pays homage to Monty Python in this tale of Mick and his mates deciding to create their own political party, the "Had A Gutful Party", and first item on the agenda is migrants.

The banner ‘HAG FOR FUTURE VISION’ adorned the back wall and Australian Flags seemingly sprouted at will around the room, as Mick slammed the gavel and called for silence.

“As the President and Leader of the Had a Gutful (HAG) Party, I am calling the meeting to order.”

An interjection from the back of the room.

“Who elected you President and Leader, Mick? It’s a democracy last time I looked … please explain!”

Mick curled a lip.

“ ‘Cos it was my idea. I’ve had a gutful of the current political parties. Which ever way you dress up Albo … he is still going to be … Albo. Now … Angus Taylor is like a show bull … pretty enough, but it’s all bellow. We need a leader that really does give a fu …”

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Stomping of feet and a chorus:

“Future vision! Future vision! Good on you, Mick.”

Mick bit his bottom lip.

“Yes … yes of course … ahh, future vision that’s right. Anyhow, we need to kick off this inaugural meeting with a positive start. Agenda item number 1: Too many migrants.”

Timeless Tom raised a hand.

“I want to move an amendment. Any motion put forward must have the word ‘swamped’ in it.”

Raucous "Hear, hears" before Mick slammed the gavel.

“Order, order … you are a bit ahead of the game, Tom … but point taken. I will get back to my opening comments. Migration is out of control. Wherever you look, there are migrants. Our culture is under threat and it is time we embraced a future vision where everyone speaks the same language and … I am not afraid to say it … looks the same. What bloody good have migrants ever done for this country? Go on … name one.”

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A voice from the first row.

“Providing skills we are short of, Mick. We have desperate shortages of skills in key sectors, not least being construction at the moment. Migrants provide those skills.”

A few nods and Mick rubbed his chin.

“Okay … fair enough. Now apart from providing much-needed skills, what bloody good have migrants done for this country? Don’t be shy.”

Timeless Tom raised a hand.

“You would have to say the cuisine has picked up, Mick. It was only sweet and sour pork and lemon chicken at the local Chinese when I was a young bloke. Now you can get gozlemes, bánh mì, sushi, croissants, pastas, real pizzas, coffees, wine other than Ben Ean Moselle, olive oil ….”

Mick’s face reddened as his stomach rumbled.

“Alright … alright that’ll do, Tom. Okay, apart from much-needed skills and more choice in cuisines, what bloody good have migrants ever done for Australian society?"

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Another old timer stood and cleared his throat.

“Festivals, music and dance. The highlight used to be cracker night and they banned that, so the migrant community has certainly added a bit of excitement to the social calendar.”

Mick dabbed the perspiration from his forehead with his pocket handkerchief.

“Righto, righto … apart from much needed skills, golzemes, bánh mì, sushi, pasta, real coffee, different wines, olive oil and the like, as well as festivals, dance and music, name a contribution the migrant community has made to Australian society.”

A pause as Mick bit his top lip, before a soft voice from the middle row.

“Ah … you would have to include migrants who have made a significant contribution, if we are to be fair, Mick. Whether it be Les Murray on SBS or the bloke on the ABC, Dr Karl and through history, women like Caroline Chisholm. Now, let’s go to the Socceroos ….”

Mick slammed the gavel and gritted his teeth.

“Woo …. just woo up. Bloody hell! … Okay, apart from providing necessary skills, golzemes, bánh mì, sushi, pasta, real coffee, olive oil … ahh … stuff it … what’s the next item we have had a gutful of?”

John Longhurst is a former industrial advocate and political adviser. He currently works as an English and History teacher on the South Coast of NSW.