An in-flight message from Captain Australia

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Captain A.Failure

Good afternoon Liberal Party voters and other lesser constituents, this is your Captain speaking.

Please listen carefully to this in flight (or fight) announcement. You must ensure your seat belts are fastened, as any injuries you receive will incur regular payments at your GP of varying amounts. Furthermore, if you happen to become disabled your pension will also be cut off if I deem you fit to work or if you are under thirty, and no I don’t care if it’s terminal.

If you look to the left of the joy flight now, you may notice your penalty rates flying out the window. Like the cabin crew I have around me, you shall no longer enjoy those penalty rates care of Workchoices 2.0.

Should you be wanting to use the bathroom today, please note it is currently out of action, filled with as much crap as I spun you pre-election. This issue will not be fixed as I have forced tradesmen (and indeed our own plumber) out on industrial action. Therefore, you will need to hold for the rest of your flight. With the exception, of course, of the working one up in First Class with my mate Gina, in which case, by all means, help yourself.

You may notice the wings of the aircraft (stop looking at my ears, I said the wings of the aircraft) cannot be sighted from your seats. This is because our great land is girt by sea and I, for one, can swim. There are life jackets for the rest of you, though if your surname sounds foreign you’ll probably be sent to Manus Island for offshore processing. There you will be free to self-harm or die in our care in accordance with current government policy.

If you are wondering where we are headed today, please refer to your ticket (or ballot paper). That’s right, we’re heading towards sunny Social Darwinism.

In case of emergencies aboard this aircraft (which is going down quicker than a Malaysian Airlines flight) please refer to the lights on the floor. These are the sad remnants of a once great light on the hill, now quashed and marred, by my team of cabin(et) managers.

If you happen to get hungry, unfortunately social services have recently been cut so, no, you will not be able to eat. Furthermore, if you gain a few kilograms on board, my fat tax will kick in so watch out for all you would be tubberguts. Once again, please excuse those in first class, including Gina, who is free to dig into the First Class seaflood platter (care of Australia’s once Great Barrier Reef).  

For a bit of history about the great land towards which are headed, a reminder that we don’t actually have a history before white civilisation and anyone who argues otherwise can leave now. Please take in the scenic environment throughout our joy ride. Sady, the air on this flight will not be safe to breathe for much longer. Kudos to those who live near the coal mines and have already noted this. You will note that directly in front of you there is an oxygen mask for your children and any future generations.

You must now switch off your phone and social media — all electronic graffiti is being heavily monitored by ASIO.

Note: any efforts to locate what you need through freedom of information will prove fruitless.

If you do not like those around you today – or, more to the point, they do not like you – spare a thought for myself and get over it the way the Murdoch press is now over me.

To our female passengers [wink], we welcome you aboard (although we are secretly wondering why you’ve left the kitchen), and we have baby changing facilities and ironing boards for those of you in first class. The rest of you should quietly remember that I am indeed your Minister for Women and White Ribbon Day ambassador and you will listen to me politely.

If at any stage things get too much for you, please hold the brace position by placing your head directly between your legs. In line with our new public relations policy, please refrain from sniffing the chair in front of you. Instead it would be best to bury your head in the sand while raising a huge sign about economic accountability and the future viability of our nation.

Thanks for your patience while my cabinet crew (including those with sex appeal) ruin this once enjoyable experience.

We thank you for flying with Team Australia.

Your Captain, One Term Tony.

You can follow Naomi Fryers on Twitter @fluro_unicorn.

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