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Alan Tudge opens his own Christian college

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Cartoon by Mark David/@markdavidcartoons

School principal, Alan Tudge, addresses the students of Tudge Christian College and Military Might for primary school-aged students. 

TUDGE: Children. Boys and girls. It is wonderful to have all of you back here on site, on campus. No more dictatorial restrictions from that Communist, Chairman Dan, keeping you away from my magnificent staff and their good, sound, proper Christian values.

Time to introduce our new staff members to you. We are fortunate to finally secure the services of an excellent French teacher, Mr Morrison. Mr Scott Morrison.

Scott Morrison moves to the microphone.

MORRISON: How good do you boys and girls look in your school uniforms. All you need is a beret on top, and as the French say: “Paris vaut mieux qu’ Hawai,” or “Paris is better than Hawaii.” And without a lie, I’ll tell you why. You can’t get to Paris in a submarine, whereas Hawaii is tailor-made for a submarine docking station. Kids; I tell you no lie when I say submarines are more trouble than they are worth.

There are two things you need to know about me. The thing that attracted me to teaching; the fact I have to come up with a plan for every lesson. Life and lessons, without a plan can lead you into the clutches of Satan and communists.

Three rules to how I run my class. No lying. No sledging and no shifting the blame for your own actions onto others. I look forward to imparting these Christian values on to you. Thank you, Principal Tudge.

TUDGE: Thank you Mr Morrison. Now children. An initiative of mine, for which we have received funding from the wonderful Federal government, is the establishment of Tudge College Cadet Corp, to train young Australians to defend our great nation against Chinese Communists and other non-Christians. We welcome Alex Hawke and Andrew Hastie.

ALEX HAWKE: This is aimed at the boys. No girls in our Tudge Cadet Corp. Too emotional and too physically weak to really be trained to defend our shores. Onward Christian soldiers.

ANDREW HASTIE: We’ll teach you how to be expert with rapid fire weapons by the time you reach grade three. When the boys are having target practice, the girls will be having cooking, ironing, and fundamental domestic chores lessons. Thank you Principal Tudge.

TUDGE: Thank you. I see worried looks on some of the students, especially our Chinese students, who comprise 40 per cent of our student numbers. No need to worry about being thought of as members of the Chinese Communist Party. We know not all Chinese people are Communists or Satanists. Jackie Chan for instance. 

To show our commitment to our good Chinese students we have employed as our home economics teacher, Ms Gladys Liu; and you can tell from her eyes she is Chinese.

GLADYS LIU: Girls. We’ll have a lot of fun. As well as teaching you how to cook, sew, clean and iron, we may do a little peek-a-boo, spying on the cadets when they are in the field. But don’t tell them we do. Thank you Principal Tudge.

TUDGE: Thank you Gladys. Let me assure our female students we have your best interests at heart and don’t want you to miss out on important opportunities. Time to meet our new Sports coordinator, Bridget McKenzie.

McKENZIE: So good to finally meet you. There’ll be many exciting sporting activities on offer this year. In particular, if any of our girls think it is unfair they’ll be cooking muffins when the boys are off shooting guns, I’ve got good news for you. We’ll be establishing clay target shooting as a sport available to our girls as well as our boys. Principal.

TUDGE: Thank you. Such a wonderful initiative and the good news doesn’t stop there. It is very important the boys learn to treat the girls with respect. Indeed, just as our male staff should, and will, treat their female colleagues with utmost respect and integrity. Developing, and teaching this program we, fortunately, have acquired the services of Christian Porter.

CHRISTIAN PORTER: Thank you Principal Tudge. Boys; it is important you respect the boundaries our female students require for themselves. Fortunately, the activity of dunking the girl’s ponytails in the ink wells is no more, but there are other troubling activities still floating around. Boys; no teasing. No commenting on their physical appearance. No bullying. No saying nasty things about them behind their back. No scoring them out of ten.

STUDENT IN THE FRONT: We’re not the teachers. You do the marking out of ten. We don’t.

CHRISTIAN PORTER: Point well made. That will be explained during the course. Thank you Principal.

TUDGE: Thank you Christian. Such an appropriate name for a teacher at my college. History is a very important subject. Ancient history is not something that happened more than two years ago. We will go back hundreds of years in our history studies. There is much to learn and remember. Running our history curriculum will be the wonderful Barnaby Joyce. Barnaby.

BARNABY JOYCE: G’day kids. Like my hat? I do. It’s big, just like Australia is big, and there have been big lies said about Australia. For starters; we’ve never stolen an island, despite Australia being a bloody big island.

STUDENT IN GRADE FIVE: What about the Aboriginal people who were here before the Europeans came?

BARNABY JOYCE: Don't you worry about that, young fella. First off, haven’t you heard of terra nullius? None of the blighters could speak a word of English. Not one word between them. Plus, 60,000 years and not one pub was built. In fact, they didn’t even know what alcohol was. 60,000 years and not even a schooner of beer consumed between them.

It gets worse kid. 60,000 years of sitting on all that coal, and not even knowing what it was. Relying on renewable energy for 60,000 thousand years. Ridiculous! And kids, you’ll hear some rubbish we haven’t treated them well. I look forward to teaching you the real oil. Principal.

TUDGE: Thank you Barnaby. I’m sure you’re all looking forward to hearing more from the man in the big hat. Finally, and very importantly, here at Tudge College, we are concerned about the dangers on the road. We are introducing an early safe driving program for our students in years four, five and six. Running this program is another new teacher to my college, Tim Smith.

Err, Tim. Tim. Where are you?

An assistant goes to Principal Tudge and whispers in his ear. Tudge nods, then turns to address the students. 

TUDGE: Err, it seems teacher Tim Smith has been involved in a driving accident on his way here. He is currently being questioned by the police, hence is unable to attend school today.

OK school. Staff, get these little Christian soldiers into class and pump good old Christian values into them so they’ll grow up and defend our shores when called upon.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

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