Joe Hockey and Mathias Cormann: What they really said

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Joe Hockey and Mathias smoking cigars together before the Budget in 2014 (screenshot via YouTube).

Independent Australia has finally received a transcript of Joe Hockey and Mathias Cormann's conversation over cigars.

Mathias Cormann: Joe. You’ve done great work with the budget. History will recognise it as one of the greatest ever.

Joe Hockey: Don’t be so humble. We. Mathias. We. Your contribution was invaluable.

M: You are too kind. You did all the heavy lifting. Your decisions will reduce the size of the budget deficit from the dimensions of an Arnie Schwarzenegger bicep to a body builder's tiny downstairs region.

J: Oh Mathias, you have such a way with words. And to think English isn’t even your mother tongue.

They both puff on their cigars and look out into the distance, watching the smoke slowly dissipate.

M: Great cigar. Where’d you get it? How much?

J: How much? You're kidding me aren’t you? How much! Got it off a mate who owns Cuban Cigarworld. How much? How much!!

M: That’s my Joe.

J: I’ve got a truckload of them.

M: How many?

J: If I lined them up end to end, reckon they’d stretch from here to Bali.

M: Bali you say. That’s a lot of cigars. I’ve never been to Bali.

J: Bullshit.

M: No. True. Never been. I hear it’s great.

J: It’s fucking ace. Want to go?

M: Why not? I’d love to!

J: Leave it to me. I’ll fix it up. Just let the budget blow over for a week or two. It only takes a fortnight before no one could give a toss about it, let alone remember what was in it. Then we’ll get away to Bali. Sweet as. I’ll arrange everything.

M: I can’t allow you to do that Joe. You’ve done enough for me already. I insist. I’ll arrange everything. My shout.

J: Your shout! Are you an idiot or something? No way will we have to pay. I’ve got a mate who can sort it out.

M: Well, the least you can do is give me a number to ring so I can do the legwork for you.

J: If you want, Mathias me old mate. I’ll give you the direct line to Andrew Burnes at Helloworld. Top bloke.

M: Andrew Burnes. What does he do there?

J: He is Hellofuckingworld. It’s his company. He can set the whole thing up for us. A week in Bali, Mathias. We’ve earned it. No one would begrudge us a week away. We’re entitled to a bit of R and R.

M: I just have to ring him, and give him the dates? That simple?

J: Yeah. That simple. If only everything was that simple! Getting the deficit down has been a real bugger of a thing to do.

M: Yes. A girlie man couldn’t do it, but thank the Lord we have you.

J: Girlie-man. What do you mean?

M: No. A girlie man. A big sook. A cry baby at movies. A greenie; tree hugging hater of coal. Only watches the ABC and you can’t shut the open border lover up from going on and on about climate change.

J: Oh yeah. But seriously. The budget deficit must have taken Viagra. It’s been a nightmare to get it down.

M: Too many people on welfare, wanting their handouts.

J: Couldn’t have said it better. All these useless idiots, leaning on us, wanting something for nothing. Think the world owes them a living. Think they’re entitled to any handout they can think of. Well, they can all get fucked.

M: I know what you mean. I can’t stomach them either. Especially the single mums.

J: Don’t get me started.

They both lean back and puff away on the cigars. Mathias turns to Joe.

M: Joe. You don’t mind if I take a few of these cigars home with me.

J: Of course not. Take a box of them.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician/songwriter and front person for Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of 'Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders'.

You can purchase Rocky's book, 'Stoney Broke and the High Spenders' from the IA store here. The CD '42/68' by Rocky and the Two Bob Millionaires is also available from the IA store here. 

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