Trump pushes for Alcatraz to house dangerous criminals... like himself

President Trump has suggested the reopening of Alcatraz prison to house America's most dangerous criminals, with some recommending him as the first inmate, writes Vince Hooper.

IT WAS THE best of times, it was the weirdest of timelines. And just when you thought American politics had exhausted all avenues of reality-TV degeneration, U.S. President Donald J Trump has suggested – deadpan, as always – that he might reopen Alcatraz to house ‘America’s most dangerous criminals’.

It’s the kind of idea that sounds like satire. Until you realise... he means it. Or at least he means it enough for his base to chant it into a slogan. “Lock ‘Em Up Island!” has officially replaced “Build the Wall!” as America’s hottest three-word solution to a 300-year-old political problem.

But what if the plan backfired? What if Trump, poster child for chaos, wound up becoming inmate-in-chief of the very prison he wanted to relaunch?

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Picture it: Trump disembarks the ferry to Alcatraz wearing a bespoke orange jumpsuit from Ivanka’s new line, “Convict Chic”. He declares: “This is the best prison. Tremendous security. Not like those Democrat cities where nobody locks anything. I might buy it, actually.”

At his insistence, his cell is gold-plated, with a marble sink and a bidet that plays ‘Hail to the Chief’. He spends hours shouting Morse code through the pipes — his last legal form of tweeting.

The Inmates’ Club: Misfits and mugshots

Naturally, Trump isn’t alone in this satirical hypothetical reboot of The Rock. Alcatraz 2.0 is more star-studded than a White House Correspondents' Dinner hosted by Alex Jones. We'll leave who as a great surprise.

The prison TikTok influencer gets 11 million views per day livestreaming the drama. The only person not watching? Joe Biden, who still thinks “Alcatraz” is a new COVID variant.

Australian insight: Christmas Island on steroids

In a gesture of fraternal solidarity, Prime Minister Albo offers to relocate Trump to Christmas Island, citing Australia's experience in politically convenient isolation. Sadly, negotiations stall when Trump demands the island be renamed “Festivus Land” and staffed exclusively by former contestants from The Apprentice.

Each week ends in a talent show, with the winner granted ten minutes of unsupervised podcasting from the Alcatraz lighthouse.

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Historical irony: Capone to Trump

Once upon a time, Alcatraz held Al Capone — the kingpin brought down by, wait for it... tax evasion. Fast forward 90-odd years, and Trump’s tax returns are still playing hide-and-seek with the IRS. It’s almost poetic.

The escape plan: Build the wall (around Alcatraz)

Rumours swirl that Trump is planning a daring escape — not from prison, but with it. His proposal? Build a massive wall around the island, declare the rest of the U.S. a prison and pardon himself as “Warden for Life.” When asked how he’ll pay for it, he simply says, “Canada!”

_{Moral of the story}

Will Trump end up in Alcatraz? Unlikely. But in today’s America, “unlikely” often ends up trending before lunch. Alcatraz is technically a museum, a bird sanctuary and a federal reminder of how not to run a penal colony.

But the real prison is the one we built with attention, outrage and algorithmic addiction called the media. And until that changes, Trump won’t need bars — just a limit on bandwidth.

Stranger things have happened!

Vince Hooper is a proud Australian/British citizen who is professor of finance and discipline head at SP Jain School of Global Management with campuses in London, Dubai, Mumbai, Singapore and Sydney.