Behind Closed Doors in the Liberal Party Rooms*

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Seven years after a sensational Liberal Party leak to Barry Everingham of letters John Howard had written to the Queen, the party mole is at it again – and our senior correspondent is sharing some interesting insights into the thinking of those at the top of Abbott’s Party.

“He was handed the minutes of a meeting which was classified as highly secret”, Everingham explains, “and which was called by Abbott to toss around his key people’s thoughts on asylum seekers”.

Abbott:  Are those doors closed Julie and the guards in position? Room swept for bugs, Eric?  Good. Now let’s start people.The public is fed up with the number of boat people treating our country like a tourist destination.

Mirabella: Well we need to stop them – they are only Muslims. And a danger to Christianity.

Abbott:  Insightful as ever, Sophie – you have hit the nail on the head.

Bernardi: They follow Islam, a hateful religion.

Mirabella: Fucking spot on Cory.

Abbott: Again Sophie, a very valuable contribution.’

Bernardi: It’s a message I’m trying get over and when I did I was castigated by the Greens and the Communists for telling the truth.

Abetz: Disgraceful, Cory.

Abbott: Eric, please see Mal Washer and get him to look at your adenoids please – you are becoming very difficult to understand.

Bernardi: The only positive media I managed to get was from those two extremely balanced commentators, Andrew Bolt and Alan Jones and they said I didn’t go far enough.

Mirabella: They both should be elevated to sainthood.

Minchin: I’d put that one on hold. After Chris Master’s dreadful biography of Alan a lot came out in the wash so there could  be a problem there  and Bolt admits he’s a non -believer.

Abbott: I’ll speak to George Pell about that but whatever it is lurking in his background Rome seems to be holding him at arms-length. God Almighty, who is without history today?

Mirabella: Well Noel Crichton-Brown is OK.

Julie Bishop: C’mon Sophie, remember I’m from Western Australia, dear.

Mirabella: Fuck off.

Abbott: Cool it ladies, we have work to do – by the way Julie, can you please put more starch in my shirts next week? Thanks darl'.

Bernardi:  I’ve been doing a lot of research on the Hitler plan, pre-World War II and the apartheid system which worked so brilliantly for so long in South Africa. Both seemed to achieve what we need.

Abbott: Spot on Corey, could I have a contemporary paper on that as it would apply to those caught trying to enter this country illegally? Don’t apply your thoughts to White South Africans or Rhodesians, though.

Joe Hockey: You mean Zimbabweans, don’t you Tony?

Abbott:  Whatever, just do it Cory.

Scott Morrison:  I made a very balanced statement explaining what it cost to fly those Muslims and illegal entrants to the funerals of their families who got lost at sea when their unseaworthy boat got wrecked in a storm.

Bernardi: It was brilliant, Scott, but people misunderstood you.

Mirabella: For Christ’s sake; the bloody do-gooders went overboard; well in a manner of speaking guys. Like as though it mattered.

Joe Hockey:  I don’t think I’d have made the fuss Scott and Cory did about bringing that orphan kid back to Christmas Island and then sending him back to Sydney.

Mirabella: Get a life, Joe. Alan Jones’s listeners and Bolt’s readers had instant orgasms when Scott said that. They related you bloody dim-wit.

(Division bells ring. summonsing Members to the House)

*Barry Everingham was the recipient of a parcel of copies of letters John Howard wrote to Queen Elizabeth while he was Prime Minister. They were subsequently published by Hardie Grant in 1974 as The Late-Night Correspondence of John Howard as Discovered by Barry Everingham.  
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