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And then they came for the smallgoods...

Oh no! Now ham and bacon are going to kill us all. Nicole Scott, the daughter of a fine upstanding butcher, has had enough — not of delicious smallgoods, but of media tripe.

Now, that’s cold...

I'm sitting on the internet and I read that World Health Organisation has issued a warning. Okay, methinks this could be bad! What could it be? Gas? Powder? Bad hair days? What could be so urgent?

Bugger, I never did get around to putting the dooms day emergency kit  together with kilometres of tape to ensure no gaps were showing in my home where the gas could seep in. Damn those terrorists!

But, what if it were a meteorite about to hit the ocean? [Cry out really, really loud to Morgan Freeman because he's in all the end of world movies (not to be confused with Samuel L. Jackson).] Desperately thinking I should have brought those floaties or even a pool pony!

But no... The alert that graced every paper, news broadcast and social media site was that our dear beloved cold meats could possibly give us cancer! Oh ham, bacon and sausage, how you have let me down. (Hangs head. Well, if that didn’t put a damper on the half leg of ham my dad just brought me, sitting in the meat keeper, alone, waiting to attack the next person who opens the fridge door. [Yell to Mr 18 to go get the ham out of the fridge.]

As I sit watching, intrigued with all the media hype, I was like WTF! (why the fuss?). (By the way, did I mention I had the snags out that night for dinner?) Fn ham! So what do I do? How do I break the news to Mr 19 and Mr 18?

Eat ham and ya gunna die? Eat bacon again and you got the big C?!

All this panic before my eyes and ears ... [Mmm... is that bacon I can smell. Oops me bad. Looks over at the dog. Dog rolls eyes.]

Do I tell them when they ask for a Toastie with ham and cheese and I leave the ham out hopping they won’t notice, then when Mr 19’s like: “Where’s the ham," I can be like:

"Huh?...what.. errrr... what ham?" [Evil laugh.] You know with these alerts we have always been advised that we need to stay alert, not alarmed! Or is it be alarmed, not alert, but somewhat suss? 

Anyhoo, I can just imagine Mr 19’s cries, OMG where’s the ham? And I’m like ... son ... sit ... mummy has bad news[Reaches for tissues, sniffles, wipes eyes but not too hard as to not want to smudge new eyeliner, cus I be lookin smashing.)

Look, ham might be cuts of meat all churned up, pumped with water and other additives, then moulded around a massive layer of fat, to fool us all into thinking it came straight off the piggies leg but we don’t care. Do we? If you have ever seen the price of a kilo of ham..meh ... us poor people won’t die first then. [Did I just type that? Calls Bestie. Ring ring… Cathie, fridge, ham, bin… later... oh by the way , hope  you lurved my Nicki-M Collection candles, *winks*, byes.]

But really, have you ever seen such panic about cold meats? Of course it’s going to kill us. Everything’s going to kill us. [Sips wine.]

Huh! [Pauline Hanson moment] Please explain? Let’s talk about curing bacon. 120 ppm in-going sodium nitrite or 148 ppm in-going potassium nitrite; 550 ppm of ascorbates or erythorbates. For dry cured bacon, 200 ppm in-going sodium nitrite or 246 ppm in-going potassium nitrite. Or let’s not? [Coughs.]

Let’s look at the history of pushing the panic button for what we consume. Cawfee! AKA Coffee. Drink, it’s good for yee. No! Don’t drink Coffee its bad for you. Wait, drink coffee but no more than three cups a day. Hang on, don’t drink it before bed. No, just stay clear of coffee for blood pressure reasons. Hang on, its great cus now a beetle poops out the beans so its even better for ya. No, look George Clooney is drinking. Sold! Margarine spreads well, but in moderation people. Oops! it’s got stuff in it that they put to make plastic. No, it’s got canola in it, tick. Fabio said it tastes just like butter! And then we have wine. Oh, we ain't going there. Well, let’s not go there cus we all know it comes from grapes, so that be fruit. [Winks!]

But seriously, I’m ever soooo disappointed and ashamed that our media aren’t as on the ball as they’d have us think. This is what I expect to see an alert on, widely spread  and rightly so:

Headlines

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE UNACCPETABLE WORLDWIDE

ALL CHILDREN OF THE WORLD SHOULD HAVE FREE EDCUATION

EVERYONE SHOULD BE ENTITLED TO AFFORDABLE IF NOT FREE HEALTH CARE

WOMEN SHOULD BE GIVEN EQUAL RIGHTS

DONALD TRUMP IS ACTUALLY AN OOMPA LOOMPA!

(You gotta give me that last one!)

Dear ham, bacon and sausange lovers, don’t fret, because the key – like everything – is all in moderation. It’s not all doom and gloom cus Professor Bernard Stewart (who led a World Health Organisation Panel on this) stated and I quote

“But if you’re talking about a Saturday bacon sanger, then you virtually have no problem." 

[Phew! Wipes brow.]

You can follow Nicole Scott on Twitter @Nic1971.

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License

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