On the very last day in history, the late contributing editor-at-large Tess Lawrence reports.
DO YOU WANT MAYANNAISE WITH THAT
If you are reading this*, it means I am dead.
Or it means I am not dead.
Or it means no-one can tell if I'm dead or not.
Who cares anyway.
I might not be the only one dead.
We might all be dead.
The world might have ended.
What's the point of even writing this article if there's no one here to read it.
Why is this all about me.
I'm not pleased at this selfish streak that seems to be getting bigger the closer I get to being dead.
Why haven't I called everyone I love or who have ever loved and told them that I love them?
Why haven't they called me.
I was just in contact with George Bludger, who was on his way to get his hair cut.
Why bother, I said, given the end of the world is nigh.
He said because he wanted to look good for the end of days.
My girlfriends and I are not even waxing this week.
What's the point.
We might reconsider it on Saturday if we are still alive. As if.
No one knows what a Mayan wax looks like anyway; maybe it's like the Brazilian landing strip.
My beaufriends said they are not going to bother clipping their nose or ear hairs.
Big deal.
They don't anyway.
What will be our last supper.
Will we have Mayannaise with that?
Well, I shan't partake of any flesh, that's for sure. No meat or fish. Not even an egg.
I will only have fresh fruit and vegies rinsed in the Mayan Colander.
What is the weather forecast for the End of the World Mayan Prophecy.
Will it be cold. Should I keep a cardigan nearby just in case.
You are such a Drongo, Tess.
Who cares what you are wearing.
Should we leave the world as we entered. Naked.
What should be our last act on earth.
Should it be an act of kindness.
Will the majority of the world be caught in flagrante delicto.
What if your vibrator is your First Best Friend.
What if you don't have any friends.
Or worse, what if you don't have a vibrator.
Is there a carbon tax on bodily emissions.
Will the heavens close over.
Will the sun be extinguished.
Will the man in the moon have the last laugh.
Publish and be damned.
Never a truer word said.
If we see that the world is ending before our very eyes, will we all have time to convert to Mayanism — that will have proven itself to be the one true faith.
Has anyone provided a 'Convert to Mayanism for Dummies' app. I don't think so.
You'd think they would have given us the weekend off before ending it all.
Is there a Mayan heaven — or is being dead, it.
I'm not going to do any more washing up. Not going to bring in the washing on the line.
I do wish I'd stocked up on more ice cream, for a last binge.
Several friends are having End of the World parties.
I was thinking of going.
Then I started thinking of the children who were killed at Sandy Hook. And all the children killed by drones. And all the children killed by cluster bombs. And all the kids killed by landmines.
And all the tens of thousands of children who die from hunger and disease.
Then I realised that, for them, the world had already ended.
The moving finger, having writ, ceases to move on.
* Published prehumously in the event the world ends tomorrow.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License
