The Aunty Hi-Jack Show starring Bronwyn Shutshop

Dear Rupert,

I am pleased to report that I hijacked Aunty’s motorbike and, cleverly disguised, managed to get into the ABC boardroom and plant a bugging device kindly given to me by a dear friend at ASIO. Our common enemy is now under surveillance. What's good for the goose is good for the gander!

I am also planning to intercept the phones of all ABC board members and as many leftie journos as I possibly can. My expertise in this area is nothing like yours appears to be from what I have read, so I wonder if you could give me a few tips. Please do not use electronic means to reply - I would suggest carrier pigeon - much safer.

As you know, the ABC conspired with The Guardian – that leftie rabble that has given you so much grief – to publish revelations, leaked by Edward Snowden (the rat), that Australia had tapped the phones of the Indonesian president, members of his inner circle and the president’s wife, in 2009.

Anyway, dear Tony has gone in to bat for us and openly criticised “the public broadcaster for showing poor judgement in publishing leaked documents about Australia's intelligence gathering operations.” Good on him, but I question his intelligence, using the term ‘public broadcaster’. That infers that it is pro-public and has the right to inform on matters of public importance. As if the public is important! Acting in the public interest is its catch cry, and as we both know, that is a leftie-driven ideological nonsense that has no place in creating the kind of Australia you and I both want.

The ABC has just gone too far this time, and needs a dose of its own medicine – 'rip its bloody arms off'. We could give them a choice - shut up shop or behave on our terms. By the way, do you have any suggestions on how I could deal with Fairfax, Crikey and Independent Australia?

Cory Bernardi has been magnificent. He went on Radio National and accused the ABC of "cannibalising" the commercial media and calling for reform, bemoaning the fact that the ABC gets one billion dollars of taxpayer money each year, giving an unfair advantage over the commercial media. He said the ABC does not need four television channels and it’s a "taxpayer-funded behemoth". My sentiments exactly. There is no place for unfairness in the media!

I lost my train of thought there. Had a coughing fit.

Oh yes ... our biggest problem is that the ABC attracts people who actually think about things like openness, honesty and integrity in politics and the media. Very dangerous people. May our divine God of right-ness strike them down.

Our God-given right bestowed on we in the Coalition is that we were born to rule, even if it takes ungodly tactics — just as you were born to be the most influential and manipulative right-wing media force in the world. We are kindred spirits — bent on psychological subversion of the masses.

Forgive me. I was rambling. As if you don't know that! But personally, I think we are winning.

Thanks to you ‒ God bless you ‒ and my beloved colleagues ‒ God bless them ‒ and the commercial media ‒ God bless them too ‒ we are creating an Australia of social robots, hypnotised by endless mind-numbing manipulation, indoctrination and commercial propaganda, known to the mob as advertising.

All the more reason for the ABC to be forced rely on advertising or perish. After all, my government holds the purse strings.

Dear Tony is the grand master of hypnotism. He can talk endlessly, saying nothing, but sounding so believable with his wonderful rhetoric, deception and diversion tactics. He is a genius. His master stroke has been to seduce the Labor Party into trying to out-Abbott-Abbott and they now talk in Abbottisms. The true believers have given up. They are now philosophically barren and the light on the hill has been extinguished. God bless Tony.

If you feel like a good laugh, take a look at the ABC’s editorial policies.

They include words like independence, integrity, responsibility, accuracy and balance. Those poor misguided fools need some real guidance — straight to the exit and onwards to oblivion.

But there is an enigma wrapped up in a conundrum. It's called the Senate, which will undoubtedly want to preserve the ABC in its present form, at least until July 1, 2014.

Here is where you come in. Could you use your media influence to run a full-on dirt campaign against the ABC (with my assistance of course) to sway public opinion? ... just like you did to bring down the Labor government this year. Your reputed phone hacking expertise could be really handy to discredit any Senators who dare to support 'their ABC'.

But the first step is easy. We will get rid of the ABC managing director, Mark Scott, who is obviously a dangerous left-wing intellectual.

Coincidentally, someone asked me the other day if there could be such a thing as a right-wing intellectual. I replied with a fart noise — oral of course!

Where was I? Oh yes, what that Scott said:

This is a debate that's been triggered by the broadcasting and the publishing of these stories. I think it's clearly a debate the public is interested in.

When an important story was presented to us, were we going to walk away from it because it was controversial? The worth of the partnership was displayed by nearly 20 major media organisations around the world who have published this NSA material in conjunction with The Guardian and others.

The ABC verified the spying cables and information independently of The Guardian. We're an independent media organisation and sometimes we will publish stories that politicians won't be happy about.

We thought it was absolutely a significant new story.

We're an independent media organisation, that's the role we need to play.

Famous last words, eh!

I guess The Guardian would have published the story anyway, and we would have been knee deep in this unholy diplomatic mess with Indonesia anyway. Mark Scott said he understood there was "great regret and remorse that this information has been released".

Who is he to talk about regret and remorse? Imagine how I feel. I am deeply regretful and remorseful that Snowden has spilt the beans on Australian intelligence. Indonesia is furious and won't even discuss our bluff and bluster, domestically-driven dog-whistle policy on turning the boats back. They are so touchy!

You are probably surprised that I am capable of regret and remorse. I know you are above that sort of thing.

Yours in collusion,

Bronwyn Shutshop