LOGIN
Satire

Masterful Malcolm's message: 'Vote Labor and be poorer, in every sense'

By | | comments
(Meme via @alterbrad)

Masterful Malcolm has gave the Australian people a message “Vote Labor and be poorer”. This five-word statement from our Optimus Prime Minister contains more than meets the eye.

The "haters" claim that this declaration is completely unfounded, in fact and in logic. My response is that rational thinking has become too mainstream.

Like me, Malcolm is a true hipster. He doesn’t conform to a society driven by "the facts". Logic prevents us from spreading our wings. Like me, Malcolm dives head first. He doesn’t care if the pool is shallow. He doesn’t care if there is no pool.

Our PM assumes voters’ don’t enjoy reductions to their individual wealth. He was right to do so. A common sense poll would suggest that an overwhelming majority of people are against having less money. So, that’s one tick of approval to add to Malcolm’s collection of ticks. As hard as it may be to believe, this statement is skilful on another level!

Our PM surgically arranged his six words so that it covers the "crazies" who don’t have a one-sided romance with money. They claim other aspects to life may be just as important as money! As silly as that sounds, the prime minister courageously recognises the right to vote extends to silly people.

Last week’s statement was merely an opening for elaboration to come:

“Vote Labor and be poorer not just in cents, but in every sense - you will be poorer economically, but also spiritually and emotionally.”

Malcolm is waiting to drop this bombshell — and the mike afterwards. My source? Gut Instinct!

The Labor lumber must then be ready to release a reform package of the soul and an amendment of the heart. Bill Shorten must go for an early morning walk each day Parliament sits, while listening to Kansas’ Dust in the Wind.

He must join his colleagues on the facial hair bandwagon. Research shows that an exceptional beard increases perceived wisdom by 37%, sex appeal by 69% and fabricated statistics by 273%. If such a feat of masculinity is difficult to reach before election time, Bill must stroke the stubble of the Hon. Chris Bowen while in deep thought. He must devote himself to all faiths, such as Buddhism, Veganism and Atheism.

Some might argue, politicians cannot be held responsible for an individual’s spiritual and emotional state. If you identify yourself with the group referred to as "some" then picture Clive Palmer and Tony Abbott. Have you pictured them yet? Good.

Now imagine them surfing at the beach!

I’m sorry for resorting to resorting to imagery of that nature, but now you are with me in that politicians can be the source of emotional distress and questions about God’s existence.

Malcolm Turnbull will watch Labor liberate their hearts and transform their souls while eating popcorn like Michael Jackson at the movies. However, if Malcolm is like me and I know he is — he is going to take the lead. Because, like me, he takes stuff.

He knows that he needs to commit to creating a cabinet profile, a minister for happiness in the same way that UAE did. We’re the lucky country, so let’s be happy about it!

However, Gut Instinct tells me that the Coalition will go further, based on the recommendations arising out of the critically acclaimed film Inside Out. The Oscar-winning 102-minute animation feature provides empirical proof to the existence of other emotions that are crucial to the human condition. Ministers for the portfolios of sadness, fear, anger and disgust are to be announced soon.

Malcolm has started a tennis match of the heart and soul. Malcolm has already made his statement, which places the ball firmly in Labor’s court. Can Labor return serve for the win? I doubt it. Malcolm has the "handsome and outstanding" John Alexander, Australian tennis legend.

Bill’s inferred prejudice against choosing back-benchers with grand-slam experience will be his downfall. How he manages his emotions will be a test of his newly acquired faiths.

Creative Commons Licence
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License

Monthly Donation

$

Single Donation

$

Subscribe to IA for just $5.

 
Recent articles by Semisi Kailahi
Asylum seekers: Where is our humanity?

Asylum seekers are denied human rights only because of our ignorance, says Semisi ...  
Masterful Malcolm's message: 'Vote Labor and be poorer, in every sense'

Masterful Malcolm has gave the Australian people a message “Vote Labor and be ...  
Join the conversation
comments powered by Disqus