How Malcolm Trumpbull will make Australia great again

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The only Margarita Malcolm is prepared to meet (Image via @amy_rose23)

It has all become very clear. Inspired by Donald Trump, Malcolm Turnbull is on a mission to make Australia great again.

However, since Australia is already pretty good, he will have to destroy the country in order to save it. As many villages in Vietnam could attest, this is another fine American tradition.

Yes, Malcolm Turnbull is the prime minister we had to have. Largely because he was the only alternative at the time to Tony Abbott, who was the prime minister we should never have had and wish we never did ... but that’s another story.

Malcolm Turnbull is determined to make Australia great again, or his middle name isn’t Bligh.

The original Bligh, as you may recall, was a British naval captain who was despised by his crew before suffering a mutiny and being put into lifeboat to perish. Like Captain Bligh, Turnbull also suffered a mutiny in his first leadership role and almost perished, at least from politics. Despite these setbacks, both stayed the course and eventually reached their destination. William Bligh went on to lead the Australian colony where, like Turnbull in the present day, he was again soon widely detested. Before long, Bligh was deposed, arrested and replaced. It is here comparisons between Bligh and Turnbull diverge, with Malcolm seen as reasonably unlikely to be imprisoned.

Malcolm Turnbull will make Australia great again, just like he made himself great.

Starting life as a bumptious, unlikeable child, his father enrolled him in Sydney Grammar, where he fitted right in. Despite his dad only possessing a modest chain of Sydney hotels and the family roughing it in a penthouse on Sydney’s North Shore, somehow the Prime Minister managed to overcome his unimaginably harsh beginnings and become spectacularly rich.

Turnbull first caught the public eye as a barrister in the Spycatcher case in the late 1980s — a famous victory about which no-one can quite remember the details anymore. Following that, he gained household name status in advance of the republic referendum of 1999. His contribution to the cause was so profound his name is still uttered with a quiet reverence in monarchist circles. Having headed off the republic, he soon joined the Liberal Party to become a minister in John Howard’s quasi-fascist regime.

Turnbull knows what it takes to achieve greatness. That is, natural advantages, excellent contacts and at least a small initial fortune. He is determined to apply this template to the nation. Firstly, through his cordial relationship with U.S. President Donald Trump, which should help boost Australia’s international prestige. Then, by cutting company tax for corporations with a turnover of less than $50 million, Turnbull should be able to trim Australia’s presently large fortune back to the small fortune he requires.

This is a good start, but achieving greatness requires something extra. And as every former Goldman Sachs vampire squid knows, for the rich to become greatly richer, the poor must also become much, much poorer. And now with Turnbull cutting penalty rates and heading off increases to the minimum wage, Australia’s return to greatness is assured. The less people are paid, the more the wealthy can afford to employ. And as we all know, to paraphrase Malcolm, there is no better form of welfare than working three part-time jobs and living in a tent.

Let Malcolm Turnbull save Australia like he did the monarchy. Let him make Australia great again — for the great.

You can follow managing editor Dave Donovan on Twitter @davrosz.

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