Future PHON fiefdom: Australia's Mad Max monoculture

Now that Aunty Pauline has been elected as our new Prime Minister, I am entitled, as a white Australian, to assist in the process of enacting the exciting monoculture she promised way back in 2026. Let’s get to work.

First up, we have to repay everyone who did us favours – bot farms, slavishly sympathetic or grovelling media, kickbacks and so on – to help haul Pauline up to the throne. The first thing the monoculture must do is pay back Pauline’s mates. First up, of course, abolish the minimum wage. We will all work for a monofinancial $2 an hour.

Finally, we’ll be competing with Africa, as Aunty Gina once exhorted us to do. That will chiefly be great news for Hancock Prospecting. Aunty Gina reached deep into the kitty to sway public opinion against its own interests; now we must expand her kitty from out of our own wages. The days of bludging are over. Africa won’t stand a chance.

There will be no more need to pay for overseas bot farms once our media landscape stops being so multi-perspectival. We need a monoperspective. We already don’t need to worry about the SBS and ABC rudely asking questions; Aunty Pauline is already shutting them down, as promised.

We already had Australia’s ‘second-worst’ (more like second-best) concentration of media in the world under the control of News Corp, Nine Entertainment and Southern Cross Media.

Now we must pick a new corporate Gatekeeper of the monoopinion. Aunty Gina is a significant financial sponsor of News Corp, but then again, perhaps her $26 million stake in Southern Cross will make them the pick. I’m not sure. It’s not up to me who controls Australian opinion. It’s up to Gina.

Paid agitator Avi Yemini's plan to harvest votes for One Nation

Legislative reform is needed when paid political agitators profit from the exploitation of democratic institutions.

The most important aspect of the monoculture is the large chain shops. I refer to the constellation of often multinational franchise operations that has grown all over Australia like chicken pox lesions over the past few decades.

Yes, every Australian town already has exactly the same 20 stores, with exactly the same 20 rewards cards: Coles, Woolworths, Bunnings, McDonald's, Hungry Jacks, Guzman & Gomez, Grill’d, Yo-Chi, Shell, 7-Eleven, Kmart, Big W, Target, Aldi, JB-HiFi, Harvey Norman, Chemist Warehouse and Officeworks.

The good news is that that’s already the monoculture. We’ve already done most of the work. Twenty stores is all the "diversity" Western society really needs. We will plonk a little pre-fab shopping centre into any town heretofore too greenie or small to let the chains in.

A diversity we don’t need is diversity of ownership. Like the media and like mining, we must centralise control of these chains. No, not by the government, you Marxist fool! Under the control of our mates. This is what Aunty Gina’s "Aussie DOGE" request was all about.

Gina is besties with Wesfarmers, the conglomerate controlling Coles. She’s already opening up a lithium mine alongside one of their subsidiaries in the Pilbara. So naturally, Coles will be permitted to subsume their symbiotic rival Woolworths. No more little independents. We will finally have a free monomarket.

I want one massive chemist chain, one massive petrol station chain, and one massive furniture shop everywhere. Wesfarmers has all of those.

Soon, we will parcel off whole swathes of the top end of the country and sell them off to our best friends in Israel. We may even just give them over, because friendship is forever. Israel would be delighted to build top-secret military infrastructure in the Kimberleys and ship it back to their enclave so they can wage their forever war on the evil, Islamic Middle East all around them.

Pauline Hanson's Far-Right takes flight thanks to billionaire backers

Pauline Hanson is flying high across the volatile Australian political landscape thanks to her billionaire donors.

Would any other nation like to jump in and carve out a slice of the red centre to build military tech on? Taiwan was another of Gina’s suggestions.

Why end there? Let’s establish a large feudal zone in the wide open north. Foreign warlords can come in, claim territories and fight each other for control of them to build more drones and iron domes in.

This fiefdom will not be part of our monoculture. It will be another little monoculture of its own: a razor-wire-gated, red-dirt Mad Max wasteland populated by warring foreign military contractors. If they get the time, they can bring in Aunty Gina and do a little mining.

That’s more or less it for the big changes. The rest falls under the "treats" category, for all you hogs.

By "hogs", I mean all the special little workers who voted for this monoculture. We will need a little treat every now and then. Two dollars an hour is not much to get by on. We’ll need a modern-day Circus Maximus to keep us entertained while we beg for bread and shelter from the mounting climate catastrophes. (They’re continuing to occur, despite having been debunked by Aunty Gina’s best scientists.)

I propose a special little rule or ban every fortnight to keep things fun for the hogs. Pauline could ban the three or so professional trans athletes competing in Olympic-level archery. She can ban the burqa. Double the size of the Australian flag hanging off Parliament. Ban the burqa again. Ban the Aboriginal flag. Double-ban the burqa. Ban gay. Little treats like that.

How Pauline Hanson turned grievance into political power

Pauline Hanson has built a political career on grievance and outsider appeal, but her growing influence may soon test whether protest politics can become effective governance.

I know we have neglected to ban immigration, like Pauline spent 30 years saying she would do. But that actually falls under the "hog treats" category of useless distractions. It wasn’t real.

As a few One Nation candidates have already pointed out, we require worker bees; more will be needed now than ever, to plug away for Gina for $2 an hour. Who’s going to fight to build these drones in the top-end fiefdom? It’ll have to be brown-skinned worker bees from the Global South, of course. Not me!

You seem disappointed. I’m sorry. What would you like instead of zero immigration? How about a triple burqa ban? Ban trans people from Olympic judo? Gay flag ban?

I know. Perhaps we can film those foreign workers fighting it out for their freedom in the Mad Max fiefdom and broadcast it for our entertainment. How would you like that?

Then we all get cheap migrant labour, but you also get to see foreigners starve and die. You’d like that! You can post about it on the one permitted social media platform. The monosocials. (Jointly owned by our friends at Hancock and Wesfarmers.)

Tom Tanuki is an IA columnist, writer, satirist and anti-fascist activist whose weekly videos commenting on the Australian political fringe appear on YouTube. You can follow him on Twitter/X @tom_tanuki.