Satire Fiction

Dutton should legislate on Australia Day and Woolies boycott

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Cartoon by Mark David/@markdavidcartoons

Peter Dutton should not let Woolworths and other noxious actors get away with trashing Australia Day.

MICK LANDED the schooners and immediately clicked glasses:

Well here’s to Dutts, Bazza… He has opened the batting for Australia and smashed Woolworths over the fence for six, for not stocking Australia Day-themed merchandise. You cannot even buy thongs emblazoned with the Australian Flag this year. A bloody disgrace. He is calling for a consumer boycott of Woolies. It is great to see someone take a stand against companies shoving their woke agenda down our throats.

Bazza took a decent sip, sighed and half smiled:

"No doubt about it, Mick. A strong start to the year by Dutts to knock us out of our Christmas and New Year stupor. I reckon he could go a bit further though. Why stop at a boycott?"

Mick’s eyes widened:

“Well… you surprise me, Bazza. What have you got in mind?”

Bazza ran a hand across his grin before leaning in.

Well… I reckon he should instruct Woolies to allocate a whole aisle for Australian-themed merchandise in their stores. They would be required to put up a big sign; Oi… Australian stuff down 'ere. Now…everything in the aisle must have an Australian flag on it, sheets, towels, socks, even bras and undies. A whole section should also be allocated to lamb with recipes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Some Slim Dusty playing in the background only to be interrupted every few minutes with ‘Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi’ at full volume.

Mick took a sip:

“I never realised you were this patriotic, Bazza.”

Bazza waved his forefinger:

On top of all that, Mick… Woolies staff need to be dressed in Australian flag uniforms leading up to Australia Day topped off with a strip of white zinc cream across the nose. You know, a bit like how the colour pink raises awareness and funds for breast cancer at the Pink Test held at the Sydney Cricket Ground every January.

Mick bit his bottom lip:

“You might be going a bit far with some of these ideas, Bazza. How can Dutts possibly make it all happen?”

Bazza leaned back:

Let’s get fair dinkum, here, Mick. We obviously need a Minister for Australia Day and legislation… lots of legislation with plenty of words like ‘mandatory’, ‘compulsory’ and penalties’ to deal with all this woke stuff. Crikey… let’s legislate for Australia Day to be celebrated 365 days per year. I mean why raise the flag only on the 26th January?

Mick raised both eyebrows:

“Minister for Australia Day eh? I reckon Michaelia Cash is made for that job. She will pull these companies into line.”

Bazza lifted his schooner and clicked his tongue:

“Ahhh… yes it has to be Michaelia Cash. It would be even better if she changed her name to ‘Karen’.”

Bazza paused, smiled and winked:

“Just for the alliteration, Mick.”

John Longhurst is a former industrial advocate and political adviser. He currently works as an English and History teacher on the South Coast of NSW.

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