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Christopher Pyne announces ABC cuts

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(Image via junkee.com)

Education Minister Christopher Pyne has announced that all schools and universities will have to implement cuts to the ABC in the new academic year.

Since Pyne has been unable to gain majority support for his higher education reforms, he has been instructed by PM Tony Abbott and Treasurer Joe Hockey to just cut something — anything.

Starting in 2015, academic institutions must cut the use of at least 3 letters of the ABC, ensuring a 10 per cent cut. In the spirit of the free market and individual choice so prized by the Liberal Party, vice chancellors and principals will reduce available letters of the alphabet to 23 and will, after a process of community consultation, decide which letters will be cut. This process will be carried out in consultation with the community as a recognition of the democratic process. The discretion as to which letters to cut will also assist communities and individuals to avoid unintended and potentially embarrassing consequences. 

Treasurer Joe Ho_key said, on arrival at Parliament House, that this was good policy and would reduce the continued mining of an overworked resource.

Mr Abbott said that the ABC has been good for humanity but we can’t keep flogging it.

PUP leader, Clive Palmer interrupted his lunch to opine that the Chinese had managed without the ABC for centuries, so a few cuts wouldn’t hurt his business dealings.

Pyne’s staffers have dredged up university linguistics research which shows that language users can reduce letter usage and still maintain meaning, as in:

“F_ck _ff!”

A clear example of this was demonstrated by Opposition leader Bill Shorten, reducing the use of just one letter and giving the voting public a clear idea of his reaction to the policy initiative:

“If it’s shi_ in the first place, it’ll never floa_ and you’ll never hide the s_ink.”

Our New Zealand cousins have been experimenting with linguistic innovation for many years, substituting a vowel for any other vowel in apparently random fashion. This is known as irritable vowel syndrome and is exemplified famously in their national dish, fush n’ chups.

The famous All Blacks have a captain called Ruchie and a winger referred to as Bin Smuth.

In fact, the only New Zillander words pronounced consistently are “sheep” and “rugby”.

In his oversight of the media, Malcom Turnbutt has declared that children's programme Sesame Street will no longer be brought you by the letters, P,O and Q. These aren’t cuts, he claimed, but rather an "efficiency dividend".

AG George _randi_ took a break from defending the rights of bigots to take up the fight against red _ape. He said that for the business community this is the _rang _tang in the room.

Education Minister, Christopher Wyne is fearful of a confrontation with PUP senator Glenn Lazyas and has been warned by PM, _ony Abbo__ that unless he gets this legislation through the Senate, he will shitfront him.

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Christopher Pyne announces ABC cuts

Education Minister Christopher Pyne has announced that all schools and universities ...  
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