Flavius Dint announces the establishment of a new monarchist organisation, the Royal Australian Royalist Association.
In the wake of the outstanding success of the royal wedding and its role in making royalty popular once more – and no longer primarily associated with inbreeding, infidelity, feminine hygiene products and talking to plants – it is with great pleasure that I, Flavius Dint, as inaugural lifetime chair and patron of the organisation, announce the establishment of the Royal Australian Royalist Association (RARA).
With the Queen due in the country in a matter of weeks, RARA has been established to properly acknowledge Australia’s continuing vassal nation status to Britain and the Australian people’s obeisance to our most noble Queen Elizabeth II — long may she reign!
I would like to confirm our position on a number of key points.
There has been a lot of discussion about who, in fact, is Australia’s head of state. Some people say it is the Queen, while a few others posit the Governor-General.
At RARA, the position is unequivocal. The Queen is quite obviously Australia’s head of state. To suggest that an Australian could be of equal standing to the Queen is contemptuously risible and outright offensive. Most Australians, of course, are too ignorant to even know what a head of state is, but we will be spreading the message far and wide that the Queen – God Bless the Queen!! – is the most important person in Australia’s system and, for that matter, in the entire world system.
Long may she reign over us! Huzzah!!
Indeed, the one thing the loyalist royalists at RARA are in complete agreement and unanimity about is that no-one at all in Australia comes close to the Queen in any respect whatsoever. The truth is, Australians are a pretty dismal bunch as a whole — mostly descended from convicts or other low sorts of trash or guttersnipes. Here at RARA, none of our Executive officers were born within 1,000 miles of Australia in any direction, therefore we feel confident that we have the breeding necessary to make the right decisions for this most provincial and backward part of the Empire. In fact, it is our concerted and consistent aim to remove democracy, as much as possible, out of the hands of born and bred Australians.
Yes, here at RARA headquarters, we are dedicated to keeping Australia royally British. This country was strongest when Australians knew their place — as the lowest rung on the ladder of the British Empire, but – as a former Australian prime minister was wont to say – still "British to the bootstraps".
The advent of Gough Whitlam and the subsequent series of Australian Communist Governments throughout the 1980s and 1990s in Australia has seen the Australian people begin to lose the automatic forelock tugging subservience to their natural masters, the British monarchy, the British aristocracy and, in general, the British people; for goodness sake, this place was set up as a convict settlement, talk about thinking above your station!
RARA are dedicated to stopping this grievous decline in Australian culture.
We are lobbying for the Coalition to gain power again under one of the staunchest allies of the Royalist Movement, the native-Englishman Tony Abbott. He has assured us that he will restore the Queen’s portrait to Australia’s schools, council chambers, town halls, Anglican Churches and all public facilities. Most importantly, we dedicate ourselves to restoring God Save the Queen as our national anthem and the undefaced Union Jack as Australia’s national flag.
There are, of course, some people who do not agree with our plan for a Royal Australia; people who are not British to their Union Jack boxer shorts. I would like to spare a moment to discuss the treacherous potato-farming republicans.
The republican groups are, without a semblance of a doubt, branches of the IRA. You only need to look at some of their spokespersons to know that they are closely linked. The names have a suspicious Fenian ring to them, like Keating and Donovan. At RARA, we spend a lot of time angrily thinking about them sitting in in their filthy garages, no doubt drinking obscene amounts of cheap liquor whilst making homemade bombs and plotting the assassination of our most regal Queen. Traitors!
Like the Irish, republicans are stupid people — wanting nothing more in their ignorance than to bring Australia low. The RARA is dedicated to thwarting the Fenian influence on Australian public life and keeping Australia in loyal, royal, British hands. We advocate the immediate prosecution and lifetime detention of all members of all Australian republican groups on charges of sedition. If the current sedition charges are not adequate to convict these swine, new laws must be created so that any attempt to remove royalty from Australia’s system is punishable to the full extent of the law.
The Queen is here soon — there is no time to waste! If they don’t try to blow her up, they will no doubt openly say things designed to make people feel less affection for her — which is almost as repugnant.
Once we have rooted out their insurgent cell, we can start work on the Greens, the Labor Party and that repugnant Independent Rob Oakeshott.
With your support, RARA (and God) will Save the Queen!
If you would like more information about RARA, please email firstname.lastname@example.org.
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