"It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!" (Images via Wikipedia, edited by Dan Jensen)

Adapted with a more political slant by Tom Orren (with apologies to the Monty Python crew).

Scene: A grassroots member of the Liberal National Party walks into LNP headquarters.

Voter'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

[The person behind the counter does not respond.]

Voter'Ello, Miss?

LNP Spokesperson: What do you mean “miss”? We don’t have any of those in ‘ere!

Voter: [Pause.] I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

LNP Spokesperson: We're closin' for lunch — a rather long lunch I might add.

VoterNever mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this political party what I joined three years ago ‘ere in this very office.

LNP Spokesperson: Oh, yes, the, uh, the Liberal National Party. What's,uh... what's wrong with it?

VoterI'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It’s dead, that's what's wrong with it!

LNP Spokesperson: No, no, it’s uh... it’s resting.

VoterLook, matey, I know a dead political party when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

LNP Spokesperson: No, no, it’s not dead. It’s… it’s restin'! Remarkable party, the Liberal National Party, idn'it, ay? Beautiful slogans!

VoterThe slogans don't enter into it. The party is stone dead.

LNP Spokesperson: Nononono, no, no! It’s resting!

VoterAll right then, if it was just restin', it would have the time to listen to its voters. [Shouts into the air.] 'Ello, Liberal National Party! I've got a lovely new policy for you to try, if you just list…

LNP Spokesperson: There, it listened!

VoterNo, it didn't. Now you’re just making stuff up!

LNP Spokesperson: I would never!

VoterYes, you would! What about the budget deficit disaster?

LNP Spokesperson: The LNP would never do anything of the sort...

Voter: [Yelling.] What’s this? [Picks a ‘Budget Deficit Disaster’ poster up off the counter and throws it in the air, and watches it plummet to the floor.] 'ELLO LNP!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing!
Now that's what I call a dead policy!

LNP Spokesperson: No, no... no, it’s just stunned!

VoterSTUNNED?!?

LNP Spokesperson: Yeah! You stunned it. It was just about to work! Some policies stun easily, you know.

VoterUm... now look... look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. This party is definitely deceased. When I joined it three years ago, you assured me that the country was tired and shagged out following a prolonged period of Labor rule, and that the LNP would breathe new life back into it.

LNP Spokesperson: Well, we did and now we’re restin’. To tell you the truth, I think we’re pining for the good old days.

VoterPININ' for the the good old days!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? This Government’s not pinin’! It turned up its toes the moment it was elected!

LNP Spokesperson: The LNP actually prefers layin' on it's back, squire. Remarkable party though, id'nit? A broad church and all that. Lovely slogans!

VoterLook, I took the liberty of examining this party’s policies at home and they’re all rubbish. And the only reason that it has anyone at all sitting on the benches of parliament is that most of them have been NAILED there.

[Pause.]

LNP Spokesperson: Well, o'course we ‘ave to nail ‘em there! If they weren't nailed down, they would have nuzzled up to the bars in parliament and they’d be permanently pissed. Who knows? Some of ‘em would’ve ended up dancing on tables!

Voter“DANCING ON TABLES?!?” Mate, the representatives of this party couldn't enjoy themselves if you put four million volts through them! The whole party is bleedin' demised!

LNP Spokesperson: No, no! It’s just pining for the old days!

VoterIt's not pinin'! It’s passed on! This party is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! It’s bereft of life. It rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed its reps to the backbenches they’d be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! It’s fallen off the twig! It's kicked the bucket. It's shuffled off this mortal coil. It’s run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARTY!!

[Pause.]

LNP Spokesperson: Well, we'd better do something to improve it then, eh? [He takes a quick peek behind the counter.] Sorry, squire, I've had a look 'round the back, and, uh, we're right out of ideas.

VoterI see, I see. I get the picture.

LNP Spokesperson: [Pause.] I do ‘ave one new policy, sir. It’s called the National Energy Guaranteee – NEG for short – if that would help.

[Pause.]

VoterPray, does it do anything?

LNP Spokesperson: Nnnnot really. It’s a nice name though, id'nit?

VoterWELL, THAT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT THEN, IS IT?!!???!!?

LNP Spokesperson: N-no, I guess not. [Gets ashamed, looks at his feet.]

VoterWell!

[Pause.]

LNP Spokesperson: [Quietly.] D'you... d'you want to come back to my place?

Voter: [Looks around.] Yeah, all right. Sure.

The End.

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