Forget the NBN! What Australia needs is a new palace for Lord Malcolm

By | | comments |

Don't worry about the GST, or Ashbygate, or the Coalition wrecking the NBN and then gagging the ABC, what Australia really needs to talk about is building a new lakeside mansion for Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull. Managing editor David Donovan reports.

HELLO THERE. I am a long-standing member of the Canberra Press Gallery and, as such, it is my duty to inform the public without bias, fear, favour or exaggeration. I am also, as it happens, the honorary chairman of the Malcolm Turnbull Fan Club, Canberra chapter.

Therefore, it is both my duty and pleasure to inform you that Malcolm Turnbull is a supernatural deity. That’s right, a god. And one whom I fully expect to reign over us for aeons, showering us, his woolly-headed flock, with gifts of beneficence and splendour far, far into this land’s great and glorious future.

There has simply never been a better time to be a journalistic cheerleader.

But it has come to my attention that not everyone feels the same way about sweet-smelling, lordly Malcolm Turnbull. Yes, it appears that many of those beastly trolls in the social media see charming Mr Turnbull as an oily, leering, condescending, fat cat corporate lackey, whose grandiose public utterances are only matched by his modest or non-existent achievements. Whose dedication to reframing the public debate perfectly corresponds with his commitment to pursuing the policies of the previous Abbott administration.

It is this sort of cynicism that makes me despair for the state of public discourse in this country. Why won't these cads give talcum-scented Malcolm a fair go?

Yes, Malcolm, blessed be his name, may not have done anything at all since coming to power, but he has done it so well! Have you seen him in Question Time, airily waving away questions from that odious union crook Bill Shorten with his glasses dangling in one hand? Or patronisingly informing Shadow Attorney-General Mark Dreyfus QC that he shouldn’t be asking about Mal Brough’s potential criminal activities, helpfully suggesting other questions he could have asked instead?

Such poise. Such elegance. Such unquenchable, sparkling brilliance!

Speaking of questions, some people are concerned that mainstream political reporters have not being applying enough scrutiny to Turnbull, such as over his alleged destruction of the National Broadband Network and the pressure he may have brought to bear on the ABC to prevent it fairly reporting upon his undermining of this nation-building project.

Ridiculous! Absurd! Slanderous!

Yes, it is true that no mainstream media outlet has reported on this topic, however political journalists cannot be expected to report on everything, now can they? An essential part of journalism is using good old-fashioned news sense to see what is newsworthy and what ain't.

Taking a political journalist at random, how can The Age’s national political correspondent Adam Gartrell be expected to report on news and matters of national significance when he is hard at work using his psychic abilities to predict the results of the 2016 election?

Watch Gartrell use his acute political predictive ability to remove the need for any of us to vote in this year's Federal election at all:

Through the mists, one thing is clear: Malcolm Turnbull will win the election. 

The poll will take place in September and it will be closer than some people expect but ultimately a comfortable victory for Turnbull. (It's tempting to predict it will be the first of two or three election victories for the Member for Net Worth I mean Wentworth – but let's not get too ambitious with this soothsaying stuff.)

Now that is real journalism, Mr Gartrell.

Although, it must be said, you did wimp out a little at the end... Our Splendiferous Overlord Turnbull will win the next 20 elections! You know it — and so do I.

Moreover, how could anyone expect Gartrell to cover secret recordings of ABC editors pressuring reporters to tone down their coverage of Turnbull’s copper wire and band aid broadband solution when he could be writing about the interior decorating skills of 'Mrs Malcolm B. Turnbull' at The Lodge?

Adam Gartrell again, 31 January:

Mrs Turnbull played an important hands-on role in the final stages of the project.

"The building work was pretty much 100 per cent done," she told journalists during the 20-minute tour of the building's ground floor rooms.

"But there hadn't been decisions taken about soft furnishings and art so I came in at that time. I was very keen for the soft furnishings to reflect the quality and significance of the house – the curtains and the sofas – but also possibly even more importantly for the art to express Australia through its whole history."

Soft furnishings aplenty, but no soft reporting from Mr A. Gartrell. Nosirree!

Indeed, in a contemporaneous piece also published in The Age yesterday, Gartrell went further, sensibly suggesting that, despite the Lodge having just received a $9 million facelift, Australia’s multi-millionaire prime minister was veritably slumming it at his new Canberra residence.

In a piece entitled ‘Let's build the Prime Minister a new lakefront mansion’ astute newshound Gartrell passionately and painstakingly makes the case for Prime Minister Turnbull to receive a brand spanking new $50 million home:

It doesn't have to be the Taj Mahal. Just a place where our prime minister can host world leaders with pride – without the risk of another possum pee incident.

Yes, it would be expensive.

It probably wouldn't cost as much as $50 million – but then again, let's never underestimate the bureaucracy's ability to spend money.

Oh, those sneaky bureaucrats love spending our money, alright, Adam Gartrell, but in this case, who cares?! If it's what Australians really want — and I think it is. For their filthy rich prime minister to have an apartment that matches his absurdly opulent Potts Point harbourside mansion. All hail Caesar!

Political interference in the national broadcaster’s reporting on the NBN? Pffft. Inconsequential. Gartrell knows the infrastructure news Australians really want to hear about — a new publicly funded palace for Australia's already filthy rich god-king, that's what.

You know it makes sense. How can a living, breathing deity possibly be expected to live in anything less?

And if those leftie trolls on social media complain? Well, let them eat truffles!

You can follow Dave Donovan on Twitter @davrosz.

Creative Commons Licence
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License

Monthly Donation


Single Donation


Subscribe to IA for just $5.

Recent articles by David Donovan
The fable of the Under Down Land

The story of a strange and backwards land, led by sheep-lovers, excavation enth ...  
Laura Tingle – and News Corp – call Australia a racist country

Laura Tingle calls Australia a "racist country" just as News Corp calls Australia ...  
Laura Tingle calls Australia a 'racist country' causing News Corp outrage

The ABC's Laura Tingle has caused consternation and outrage at News Corp and its ...  
Join the conversation
comments powered by Disqus

Support Fearless Journalism

If you got something from this article, please consider making a one-off donation to support fearless journalism.

Single Donation


Support IAIndependent Australia

Subscribe to IA and investigate Australia today.

Close Subscribe Donate