Europe takes Abbott's advice and deports him

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Former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been promptly deported from England just days after recommending to European leaders to stop illegal aliens entering.

Mr Abbott was aggressively pummelled onto a waiting navy vessel bound for a small island in the Atlantic, where he will be processed formally in three to four years.

“I didn’t mean me,” Mr Abbott screamed as he was cast down to the steerage of the ship.

Prime Minister David Cameron watched Abbott’s banishing from the docks of Brighton before addressing a shocked media.

“Mr Abbott made some very sound points, very sound points we simply couldn’t ignore,” Mr Cameron said.

“He told us very clearly not to accept people of shady and possibly even criminal leanings to dare step foot on our shores and I, for one, want to thank Mr Abbott for illustrating this point so clearly. I'm not sure about anybody else but I certainly feel a lot cleaner now that Tony is gone.”

Closer to home, the question has moved to what will become of the former prime minister, now that he is indefinitely detained in a small refugee camp on the island of St Helena.

According to a Roy Morgan poll conducted this morning, 89% of Australians would like to see Mr Abbott properly processed on the island for at least three years to ascertain whether or not he is a genuine threat to our national security. The same poll also suggested a further 93% of respondents would like to see him horsewhipped for the attempted knighting of Prince Philip.

Despite this, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull addressed the parliament a short time ago in an attempt to persuade Australia to build pressure on St Helena and bring Abbott home.

"Look I know as well as you do that this man was not the sharpest tool in the shed but he is a good bloke and we should bring him home, so who's with me?" Turnbull shouted determinedly only to be met with relatively silence outside of Peter Dutton clapping loudly.

Interestingly, an email statement released by Mr Abbott directly from the island's prison appears to support the notion of his own incarceration as well.

"Now that I am tainted by the company of other refugee criminals in this place I, frankly, do not know whether or not I can be trusted to integrate back into Australian society," the statement read.

"I don't feel as though I have been brainwashed by a death cult but I also don't think the sanctity of Australia's sovereignty can take that chance — I'm recommending the immediate deportation of me back to my country of origin."

Mr Abbott admits that given his country of origin is England, the very nation that just deported him, he does feel quite conflicted about his own policy.

"Look I've never been one to attempt to understand the nuanced consequences of my statements, the important thing is that statements are issued, then repeated over and over again. As a man I must stick to them without hesitation, and if that means spending the rest of my life being repeatedly towed back from England to this island then so be it. Besides, I can always console myself with knowing that I now share a historical legacy with another great social reformer trapped on St Helena, the straight shooting Napoleon Bonaparte."

Adam Bishop is editor for an satirical website The Fault Report — where nine out of ten readers can't tell the difference. You can follow TFR on Twitter @TheFaultReport.

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