TURNBULL SMUG EMISSIONS RISING TO "CATASTROPHIC" LEVELS
A group of prominent Australian scientists have warned parliament today that Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull’s smugness may be rising to catastrophic levels.
The claim was made after a month of testing Turnbull’s cranial proximity which revealed his "smug emissions" were rising day-on-day, creating the potential to cause irreversible damage to the natural environment around him.
Leading the charge for swift and effective action on the issue is Australian environmental warrior, Tim Flannery, who addressed the nation via a live TV address earlier today.
"Mr Turnbull was always on our radar as a potential environmental hazard, but up until now we only considered him to be a developing smugness issue," Flannery claimed.
"However after becoming PM and being liked by virtually everyone around him, Malcolm's sense of self-satisfaction has reached dangerously critical levels in only a short period of time. Without presenting a united front and taking immediate action to stop this right now, Turnbull’s head could blow at any minute – who knows what kind of impact that kind of smug explosion could have on the Earth."
When questioned on the smugness warning directly, the prime minister appeared relaxed and calm, exuding a supreme level of confidence in the face of the adversity.
"Look, I will have a collaborative chat about this concern with my cabinet so we can canvass all points of view and then make an educated decision," Mr Turnbull told the ABC sporting a reassuring grin.
"But just let me say this, I am of the opinion this is not so much about 'smugness rising' but more about 'smugness change' — so let's not get ahead of ourselves and react too eagerly."
Why voters love Malcolm Turnbull http://t.co/5UZCVNIxl7 No media scrutiny, only 'good news' by gallery helps too. #Teflon
— Cranky Pants Noely (@YaThinkN) October 18, 2015
CSIRO RECOMMENDS CAP AND TRADE TO CONTROL MSM DRIBBLE
With only former prime minister Tony Abbott to compare himself to, it is believed Turnbull's perception of reality has been severely distorted, with the CSIRO estimating he may view his worldly contribution to be somewhere between Mahatma Ghandhi and Nelson Mandela levels. CSIRO predicts that without sharp intervention from all Australians, we may see this rise to god-like proportions in the very near future.
In a statement released a short time ago marked 'URGENT', the CSIRO made the following alarming claims:
We estimate Malcolm has already wiped out one third of all critically-minded journos in the country, many of whom have ceased asking taxing questions in exchange for dribbling admiration.
He needs criticism from the mainstream media right now or else we may all be doomed - the truth is we may already be past the point of no return.
We are recommending a cap and trade system on Australia's media to create the incentive to lower their level of admiration towards the prime minister.
An emergency summit has been called by the United Nations in Paris to address the concern.
Adam Bishop is editor for an satirical website The Fault Report — where nine out of ten readers can't tell the difference. You can follow TFR on Twitter @TheFaultReport.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License
Class clowns: The Press Gallery's nauseating Malcolm Turnbull love affair, by Noely Neate. #GetARoom @YaThinkN https://t.co/f92zcHdlwe
— IndependentAustralia (@independentaus) October 20, 2015
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Turnbull rolls Abbott. Smug replaces mug.
— Dave Donovan (@davrosz) October 26, 2015
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