Contributing editor-at-large Tess Lawrence has been imported into Australia on a 457 visa by Abbott and Dutton's crack(ed) Border Farce to advise on the Operation Fortitude.
'ELLO, 'ELLO, 'ELLO fellow Australians, you 'orrible scruffy excuses for human low life.
My Austasi ID number and Gold Myki Mouse Card are one and the same and stamped with an infra-red, invisible inked hologram citing '007', an imprimatur that will be known to you all.
Thus, by the powers invested upon me by the Christian God, the Commonwealth, Her Majesty and Emperor Napolitony Abbott, I am entitled to question, apprehend indefinitely and kill at whim with complete impunity.
It also means my family and I can travel free on public transport in Victoria. Which we intend to visit once their fast-tracked visas come through and they arrive from the UK, where they've enjoyed watching the poms thrash the aussies in the last test series. [Cue laugh, hah, hah, minder plant in audience to trigger.]
Yes, I've been well briefed by Minister Peter Dutton's crack PR people, the same ones who brief off shore call centre personnel about Aussie Rules.
Now, these powers apply to anyone who looks a bit suss, a tad shonky, a bit foreign, isn't white, doesn't have a decent surname that doesn't involve Xhosa tongue clicking, is a bit tinted, and who hasn't killed a roo or bitten off a chook's head in the last fortnight and doesn't have the proper paperwork on demand, vis-à-vis a visa entitling them to work for Gina the Rinehart and 007-Eleven for $2 a day, before tax and loaned FIFO airfares.
Contrary to information distributed by subversives we are not singling out people on 457 visas. I'm on one myself and, while I'm on the subject, I don't want anyone to think I am taking a job away from an Australian.
There is no-one in Australia who has better qualifications to handle "Operation Fortitude" given my background in the UK suppressing riots and dispelling unfounded rumours of parliamentary expenses rorts, paedophile rings and murders involving politicians and the British establishment.
Her Majesty has seen fit to award me a knighthood but please, I was just doing what my job and country expected of me, so just call me "Sir".
Maybe, when my work here is done, your Emperor will see fit to give me an extra gong, as he did to the Duke of Edinburgh, also reknowned for spotting foreigners in a crowd.
For the record and you skanky journos, my collective rank, titles and honorifics in this joint endeavour between the ABF and Victoria Police is Chief Commissioner, Admiral, Generalissimo, Detective Senior Constable Sergeant Inspector and sous chef that I'm assured by our accredited translators, means special adjutant in Spanish. [Cue laugh, hah, hah.]
Other paramilitary groups conscripted to Operation Fortitude and conferred with once only in perpetuity special powers include Yarra Trams and hetero Metrosexual Trains, the Sheriff of Nottingham's Office, Taxi Services Commission, Commandant of the Lollipop Ladies Battalion, pizza deliverers from evil, hotel concierges, 7-Eleven stores that also stock Myki cards, and so have expert knowledge and dustbin truck drivers and vans because of their potential to act as mobile prison vans for captured illegals. They make great people movers.
We have assembled an inter-intra-agency para-military multi-tiered borderless militia based on the highly successful business model of Da'ash and Mad Man Haron Monis, under the watchful guidance of the office of the Attorney-General George Brandis.
We are delighted to welcome onboard the Austasi Border Force Team Australia today, Kim Yong Un's little sister, Kim Yo Jong who has been seconded from North Korea to replicate in Australia, her outstanding world's best practice Propaganda and Agitation Department.
Assisting her in this will be Saudi Arabia's Sheikh Ibn Speare, in charge of half-time entertainment at the popular and crowd friendly Friday beheadings, stonings and whippings in that country and one of our staunchest allies and reknowned human rites activists.
The good news is, that despite the fact that "Operation Fortitude" has been temporarily postponed due to illegal spontaneous protests and outbursts of illegalfree speech, we have already identified a traitor in our midst; someone who has infiltrated the ranks; someone who is a dead set illegal refugee type; a poseur git with a dodgy name that is not representative of mainstream Australia.
Nor is it manly.
Anyone calling themselves "Roman Quaedvlieg" has got to be a wanker and it's unAustralian not to have vowels separating consonants in your surname. Even I know that.
However, the one SAS codebreaker not standing as a candidate in Canning has cannily cracked the code embedded in this obviously contrived surname. For security purposes, we cannot reveal further details.
Up until now, no-one had heard of this Roman fellow.
When the insurgent rabble who protested is placated and sedated, we will revert to our original plan to arrest every man, woman and child walking to or from the CBD, and/or cycling the streets of Melbourne.
We let the general public know because to be forewarned is to be forearmed. We will speak with anyone we come across, have no fear. So if you're up for it, why not leave your visas at home and let us have a bit of contact sport. Bring it on.
All operatives will receive a bounty bar for each illegal apprehended. A further bonus applies to arrests of family groups. We are negotiating with possible sponsors now and online betting syndicates have positively responded to our outreach.
We are particularly interested in arresting children of foreign illegals, because they are the insurgents of the future.
If not de-programmed and/or deported, Australia will wreak their bloody harvest on another day.
As this is the largest operation of its kind to confer military and police powers to unskilled and untrained members of the community, for future operations, we will skill up these citizens with a 15 minute intensive gun training course on the Adler 7 plus lever action shotgun, a nice litle mother made by the Turks, so there's that Gallipoli connection.
For anyone who has a problem with what we're doing, I say, go back to where you came from.
Allegations of racial profiling will not be tolerated.
Some of you in the media seem to be working for the enemy. You can take political correctness too far. Really, what is wrong with beer stubby holders that acknowledge our diverse community?
The only reason we are targetting foreign-looking people is because they are the ones who have 457 visas.
I won't be taking any questions today, because I've given you all the answers.
God bless Emperor Napolitony Abbott and God bless Australia.
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