Joe Hockey’s real Budget speech

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Madam Speaker, I move that the Bill for the 2015 Budget now be read a second time.

Tonight, I am speaking directly to you, the people of Australia.

I want to inform you of the next steps in the Government’s plan to remove any chance of a "fair go" from our nation’s economy.

As we all know over the past 12 months, Australia has had to deal with its fair share of challenges.

We have stared down terrible interviews with Chris Pyne, who later appeared on The Project to try and redeem himself.

We have had to deal with poor people getting actual television airtime in SBS’s Struggle Street.

On the economic front, I didn’t really achieve any of the things I set out to in my previous budget.

But I say to you that the economic plan laid down by this Government more than a year ago is definitely not in place.

Through careful planning, we are unsuccessfully navigating the transition from opposition, where we could criticise without any restraint or accountability, to government.

In the past 12 months, we have at least given Australians some joy in the same way that George W. Bush did in the USA — through sheer stupidity. We’re coping well, given we’ve got some politicians who are far weaker than global standard.

Even in the face of the largest fall in our terms of trade in half a century, we have not turned our backs on our commitment to being completely insufferable leaders.

I can report tonight that, despite what is reported on the Bolt Report, our politicians really are as terrible as Twitter would have you believe.

We inherited a deficit when we came to office. And I’m never going to let anyone forget that.

A $40 billion improvement in the bottom line is good, but we why stop there when we could piss off so many more lower and middle income groups? We need to do more.

So, today, we have taken steps. Most took steps with Tony. Malcolm arrived alone. It was kind of symbolic, actually. I think Scott was with Tony, and Tony says he’s with me, so is Scott in step with me? Anyway, we are redirecting funding to areas such as small business, childcare and infrastructure — areas that will hopefully distract you from all the other terrible things we’re doing. The Refugee Council of Australia doesn’t count as a small business, right? I decided to cut $140,000 of their funding.

This is not an accident.

Since coming to Government, we have axed the carbon tax and the mining tax. Like the deficit, I’ll never let you forget those two taxes.

We are rolling out the biggest infrastructure programme in Australia’s history, with a complete ban on anything that even resembles a train.

On election night, the prime minister declared that Australia was back open for business. What he meant to say that Australia was open for business, unless you’re an Asian businessperson trying to buy our land or property — in which case, we will try to invoke some xenophobia in our constituents. In doing this, we have seen a significant increase in our approval rating.

The world has expressed its growing concern about Australia’s climate and refugee stances. I wish I shared that concern, but I really just don’t care.

This Budget is the first step in our economic plan. It has to be, because my last one didn’t work at all.

This Budget will empower us to call an election soon.

This Budget gives Australians the opportunity and freedom to participate in the workforce — depending on their circumstances.

This Budget continues to implement our plan to be the worst we can be and generate new opportunities for inequality across all parts of Australia, from our cities to regional areas, from Tasmania to our northern frontier.

Madam Speaker, this Budget is immeasurably unfair and reprehensible.

We are creating opportunities for job seekers to deny the rights of asylum seekers, young and old.

We are not caring for our most vulnerable asset: our environment.

And we are keeping the country scared and shaken.

This is a Budget for the small people to stay that way. We definitely don’t want them competing with my friends, the major corporations.

This is a Budget for young people and parents: may they pay more and get less.

This is a Budget for parents struggling to explain the appalling nature of this government.

This is a Budget as much for the Indigenous people of the traditional Noongar land, as it is for the fish in the Great Barrier Reef. It is not for either of them at all, actually.

This is a Budget that will hopefully keep me in my current job.

Madam Speaker, I believe our nation’s best days are ahead of us. At least, I hope they are, as I don’t like how Tony touches my forearm on the bad days.

I really wish I could commend the Budget Bill to the House, but what’s the point.

You can follow James Fogarty on Twitter @JamesHFogarty.

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