Following the recent election of the Abbott Coalition, Ross Jones announces the launch of a new and innovative political party.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
Today I have the honour of announcing the launch of Australia’s definitive political party, SAP — the Sell Australia Party.
Our basic platform is simple and compelling: $100 million for each woman, man and child with an Australian passport. For those of you with mere residence, or who arrived via the wheel housing of an A380, the fine print can be found below.
Our cornerstone pillar – our bedrock if you like – is science. Or, put more simply, sums. Maths, pure and simple (or is that a lubricant?), anyway…
Consider the facts.
21 million Australian souls. Six zillion squillion Chinese and Indians who covet the ground – or at least the minerals – we walk on. How many is a Brazilian?
So, at arms length and with good lawyers, we draw up a contract for sale for the whole of Australia and its immigration zones.
Wait for it... wait for it... Christmas is coming!
We draft an IPO giving each citizen one share in Australia Corporatullius.
Then we float, globally, big time, 21 million shares; minimum price, $100 million per share. That’s right, $100 mill each. Minimum. Total cost to global investors: $2,100,000,000,000. A bargain, if you ask me.
Drink for a family of four? $400 million.
Of course we would all need to move out; me, personally, to Carmel just off the 101 in California.
You will have your own ideas.
Rebuild a Greek village, perhaps? Save, single-handedly, a Spanish city? Rescue some bears?
The world, as they say, would be your mollusc. And, no matter the expense of your ambition, you’re guaranteed enough left over for a Great Wall ute and a Jumbuck Bar-B-Q.
Naturally, those who already have more than $100m will be less keen, but there’s only a couple of clutches worth and bugger them, we say.
We have put in place, after much consultation, a successful emigration / immigration / resettlement scheme designed to facilitate a fruitful resettlement regardless of your gender or caste.
One or two countries have not responded to our offer of a $5m settlement fee per citizen and have threatened to turn any Halvorsens back, but as our planned mass exodus will be via the pointy end of Emirates flights, these numbers will be inconsequential.
Our six-point plan is outlined in a brochure that should be with you any day now and it clearly sets out your options. These can be summarised as — b there or b square.
What about my pets, you ask?
We listen and we hear what you say. And to put your mind at rest pets are also valuable. Some of our negotiating partners have offered up to $1 for each cat and $1.50 for each dog in good condition. We will advise caged birds be released on low-wind days.
Take nothing with you. This will assist you to blend in at destination. When you arrive, ask your limo driver to take you to a reputable supplier of clothes and accoutrements, get out the Pay Wave and kit up.
For those of you concerned a 14-hour flight will not give you enough time with your Berlitz language iPad tutor to get down with the local patois before touchdown, remember this — money speaks all languages.
For further information on this exciting policy initiative Google: ‘Jesus it’s Abbott’ and click on ‘get me the f out of here’.