Leaked: Minutes of the Muppet Federal Executive meeting

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Cartoon by Mark David.

IA has got its hands on a transcript of a Federal Liberal Party meeting that must be seen to be believed...

Date and time: 27 November 2018, 8pm
Venue: Secret location in Double Bay
Chair: Federal President
Attendees: Federal Treasurer, Federal Director, Prime Muppet (PM)
Minute Taker: Drafted Tea Lady
Observers: Hell no!
Apologies: None
Conflict of Interest: Taken on Notice


President: Welcome on such short notice, gentlemen. We find ourselves in a bit of bother, so we will dispense with the usual rigamarole and get right down to business.

Tea Lady, please just tick off the “previous minutes” and any matters arising from those will be dealt with at the next “ordinary” meeting, state the Treasurer has seconded this.

Tea Lady: But Sir, standard procedure…

President: Do we need to discuss this again, Joan? Do as you're told. Gentlemen, we will only be discussing two items today... well, three if you count that debacle down there in Victoria on the weekend. But water under the bridge. Let’s clear that one up quickly. I say we let the Victorian Executive stew over everything they did wrong.

Just run with: “It was a State Election based on state issues and we are getting on with running the country.”

All agreed?

Treasurer: Agreed

Director:  Agreed

Prime Muppet: Oh, of course, I have some ideas as to…

President: Yes, of course, you do, Scooter, not now. On to the reason for this inconvenience … first, this bloody woman problem. I do remember warning others in the Executive that giving the women a sniff would lead to them having expectations above their stations. Sadly, I have been proven right, we now need to deal with this.

Do either of you have that defector’s number? Surely if we lean on her, there is enough time this week for her to stand in Parliament and reverse her traitorous decision to go to the crossbench? No, not you Scooter, I don’t want you talking to her at all, you have done enough.

Treasurer: Umm... sorry not me, I’ve never spoken to the woman.

Director: I did speak to the Victorian President, to see if he knew someone down there who could have a chat and straighten her out. Unfortunately, he said the only bloke who probably could have already left the Party at their last State Conference. Think he was replaced by one of those nice Mormon chappies, so no help there. Sorry.

President: Scooter, do you think if you spoke to her, she would change her mind and pull us out of this mess? Media are eating us alive, carrying on about this so-called gender problem we have. Gender problem alright, should never have let the bloody women through the door. They cause more problems than they are worth, even that lovely woman – what’s her name? – donors love her, from over in the west? You know who I mean, even she has been a bit uppity in recent weeks.

Such a shame. Was such an ornament for the party. Anyhow, Scooter, phone that Victorian traitor now. I don’t suppose we have another choice?

PM: Sorry, sir. It seems she has blocked my number.

President: Right. Memo to go out. Advise all Office Holders and MPs to hold the line. We don’t have a "woman problem". Chat to that other bloke, the square-jawed one over in WA who runs the other house and get his input, he is terribly good at enforcing a talking point line. Oh, and get a woman to front the media.

Treasurer: That dowdy woman, Sir? The one the media love when we trot out with the odd nod to women’s business?

PM: Yes, that one could be attractive if she took a bit of care, but seems sensible enough.

President: Next emergency item. Obviously, this hysterical woman has put us in a spot of bother with numbers in the House. No, Scooter, I don’t want to hear it, you have already done enough losing that by-election to that other woman — who probably encouraged this desertion. For that matter, don’t think we haven’t worked out your machinations in that leadership spill. We will speak to you about that further when we have put out these fires.

Director: Well, during the leadership spill, cancelling Parliament that day gave us some breathing space to stymie those on the other side putting any grubby no-confidence motions to the floor.

President: Oh, sensible idea. I don’t really trust that ex-Copper in Queensland to keep his head down. As an aside, Scooter, please contact him and ensure that one of our friendly specialists gives him a note stating he will need two weeks to attend to his DIY broken arm. This will force the other side to pair him, whether they want to or not. This still leaves our numbers down. We have to hang on until May, can we just cancel all sittings of Parliament?

Treasurer: I don’t think the Australian public would like that, sir.

Director: Yes, but there have been rumblings, particularly from some of those Victorian MPs in marginal seats, I’m not confident that woman will be the last to defect.

President: Right. Time to rally. Scooter, find the minimum number of days you need to have Parliament sit, less than a dozen would be preferable. We need to limit any opportunity for one of our own to panic or of course that trumped up little man on the other side to whisper in the ears of those bloody women on the crossbench.

PM: Sir, as the Treasurer has said, I’m not sure the Australian public will accept us not going to work? There were already rumblings about that campaign tour on the big blue bus I did in Queensland?

President: Rubbish, Scooter! Get a backbone! Have you not watched all those videos of the U.S. President I told you to emulate? I’ve already spoken to the media people who matter, they are supportive of course.

PM: Yes, Sir, I have, Sir. Thank you again, Sir, those videos were most helpful. I suspected we could state anything with authority as fact and get away with it, inspiring stuff.

President: We are in agreement. Hold the line until May, don’t put ourselves in a position to lose government and I’m sure, if we pay enough, those consultants can come up with the scare campaign to end all scare campaigns to right the ship.

Secretary: To summarise, sir, we do treat women well and not attending Parliament as just administrative?

President: Yes! Everyone will receive their talking points soon.

Director: Sir, about the woman problem, pre-selections are being run all over the nation…

President: Merit, Son! Merit! Tighten it up, regular line: “We encourage women but would never disrespect them by not preselecting on merit.” I’m sure the branches will be sensible now they have seen the trouble those women have caused and make the responsible decisions to preselect men.

Director: Sir, I’m not sure…

President: Right, settled, no going to Parliament and no more women. Cognac, boys, before I call my driver?

Tea Lady: I’ll get those drinks, Sir.

Read more from Noely Neate on her blog YaThink?, or follow her on Twitter @YaThinkN.

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