Plonker plonks his plonker in the plonk

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Politicians who can't keep it in their pants are one the world's biggest turn-offs, says contributing editor-at-large Tess Lawrence.
Minister Dowling, you plonker, you're outta here!

IN VINO veritas.

Look, if the married Peter Dowling wants to plonk his willy into a glass of plonk and sext it to his mistress — who cares. Really.

What's wrong with a bit of foreskin in the cleanskin?

Sexting has become the cunnalingua franca of the mobile phone.

Plonking is the new planking.

Dickstipping has become a proforma fartform. For grown-ups as well.

But hey, if punters are paying for his wine, his hotel and expenses tab whilst he's sticking it up his extra-marital partner, we are entitled to interrupt the coitus and ask for a rebate.

Call me a spoilsport.

The member belonging to the Honourable Member for Redlands was dipped into a glass of red for the sintimate photo shoot.  Stirred and possibly shaken.

Life is a Cabernet, my friend.

After weeks of loud rumour, the Brisbane Courier-Mail revealed the dissed honourable minister was stepping down .

The coy mistress in question was interviewed the other night on Channel Nine, her identity protected by computer generated purdah.

No doubt, the second stage of her new-found celebrity career path will rectify that.

Pending various investigations, Mr Dowling has temporarily fallen on his penis.

It looked little in the photo, so he had a long way to fall.

In fairness, I'm assuming the penis was flaccid at the time, but undertake to print a correction if the 2 year old plus nearly 51, says otherwise.

He also crawled down from his role as a committee member of the Queensland Parliamentary Crime and Misconduct Commission.

And he self-ejected off the Chair of the Parliamentary Ethics Committee.

And of course, like Little Britain's Sir Norman Fry and New York Mayoral candidate and recidivist sexter Anthony Weiner, the now internationally notorious Peter Dowling has sincerely apologised, including on his website to the missus, the kids, his Mum and Dad, and his neighbour's pet goldfish.

Weiner and rival candidate Republican George McDonald almost got into fisticuffs when they met at news station NY1 the other day after, wait-for-it, Weiner touched him.

McDonald has publicly referred to the Democrat Weiner as a “self-pleasuring freak.”

What's not to self-love?

Onanism is a time-honoured political pastime, as Victoria's former Liberal morphed into Independent (so fashionable and so now) Geoff Shaw, ably demonstrated in Parliament and as we reported in IA in a two-part series in March.

'The ‘obscene’ incident referred to in Alecia Pinner’s article in the Frankston Weekly took place on October 24 last year when Parliament, guests and onlookers were subjected to the Honourable Member for Frankston, demonstrating his self-gratification (in Pentecostal parlance, self abuse) technique — presumably how he makes it through the night and, clearly, through most of the parliamentary day.

Shaw denied he had used the word ‘wankers’ and he also denied he simulated what is known in the vernacular as ‘jerking off’.

Like Dowling, Shaw has serious ethical and compliance issues against him, as well as a pending police investigation report.

Shaw too, has much in common with his American counterpart, although I think he could teach the aptly named Weiner a thing or two on the pugilistic front.

With its tongue firmly in that other cheek, The Atlantic Wire  described the Weiner schnitzel - McDonald tetchy exchange thus:
McDonald: I said keep your hands off me.

Weiner: I heard what you said.

McDonald: Don't put your hands on me ever again.

Weiner: Really? What's gonna happen if I do? What, are you a tough guy now?

McDonald: Yeah, I am. (mumbling)

Weiner: You have an anger issue.

McDonald: I don't have any anger issue.

Weiner: Yes, you do, Grandpa.
Like Weiner (who used the sext name 'Carlos Danger') and McDonald, Shaw and Dowling are adult males and politicians.

The latter now has to find somewhere other than his Parliament House office for his birthday party this coming Monday.

Still, he's a former painter and decorator and will surely be able to knock something up in no time at all. It will be a chance for his wife and mistress to catch up and exchange notes.

All attending supporters and partygoers should take care lest he spikes their drinks with you-know-what.

And I wouldn't just limit this caution to red or even white wine. Be very suspicious of any heads on


To be on the safe side, I suggest you BYO.

And don't touch the dips. Especially the hummus and babagaganooge (code for sperm impregnated).

Dowling's compliance (or otherwise) with parliamentary expenditure guidelines is being investigated and the matter could be referred to Dowling's former ethics committee and the Crime and Misconduct Commission.

Channel  Nine reported that ' Premier Campbell Newman didn't comment on the sexting but assured the house that appropriate action was being taken.

He told parliament he was only made aware of the allegations at 5.30pm on Monday, but past Ethics Committee chief Alex Douglas, a former LNP MP now with Palmer's United Party, said he and others in parliament had known about them "for some time".

The banal retentive Campbell is already mired in a soup of unsavoury ingredients, given the antics of former LNP – now Independent – member for Redcliffe, Scott Driscoll, who sneaked into Queensland Parliament the other evening after being AWOL for four months.

In April, Driscoll was accused of fraud and misconduct.

He is also being investigated by the Ethics Committee in relation to pecuniary interest matters.

Both the police and Crime and Misconduct Commission are investigating fraud and misconduct claims.

Responding to questions about fraud probes outside the House, the ABC reported that Driscoll
...broke his silence on findings by the Industrial Relations Commission (IRC).

Earlier this year, the deputy president of the IRC found the funds of a business lobby group had been misused when Mr Driscoll and his wife were in control.

It also asked police to investigate activities that "might be criminal in nature".

Mr Driscoll says he did not pay close attention to IRC proceedings.

"I don't believe that there's been any testing of that evidence, I don't believe there's been any cross examination of that evidence," he said.
Earlier this week, the ABC updated their article to say:
It appears a return to Queensland Parliament by controversial Redcliffe MP Scott Driscoll could have been short-lived after he was a no-show again yesterday.
Sex, power and politics is a heady cocktail for sure. For some, the mixture is indeed aphroditic.

Sexting amongst younger people is endemic and, in the light of politicians like Dowling, Weiner and Shaw, it must seem hypocritical and ironical when older people warn them of the sometimes dire and dangerous consequences of capturing and transmitting sexual images.

It has given rise to a new and virulent form of electronic Sexually Transmitted Disease, and this is one mother of an STD that will never be completely eliminated.
(Image via Courier-Mail)

In fairness, Dowling might have a case against his former mistress, for invasion of privacy, if the photos were intimate and for her use only.

She has already admitted she was the knowing beneficiary of public monies, so does she share to some degree his culpability, regardless of her motive in going public or whether remorse outweighed revenge that the affair had ended?

More and more the mores of old legacy politicians and their parties are under international and local challenge and their relevance is rightly questioned.

The facile and insidious antics of the above bring a whole new meaning to the phrase ' the body politic.'

We are ill-served by such fools.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License
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