Postcard from the People’s Republic: Albo woos Uncle Xi

When Albo goes to China, Mick reads between the lines — with a schooner in hand and absolutely no grasp of diplomacy, writes John Longhurst.

MICK STRODE with purpose to the bar table, a schooner in one hand and waving a card in the other:

“Okay, listen up. I want to read this postcard to you before Bazza turns up and starts spruiking political correctness.”

Young Simon rubbed his chin:

“What’s a postcard, Mick?”

Mick shook his head:

“I’ve told you before, Simon. It is when people you know post a picture card to you with writing on the back when they are on holiday to make you jealous. They do not even put it in an envelope.”

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Simon turned the postcard over and passed comment on the odd font.

Mick gritted his teeth:

“It’s called handwriting, Simon. And you use a biro.”

Simon bit his bottom lip:

“What’s a b—”

Mick’s scowl cut him off:

“Anyhow, let’s get back on task. My cousin was doing some renovations at Parliament House over the weekend to get it ready for the first sitting day. One of the jobs was to remove the pigeon holes for the MPs as they are hardly ever used these days for mail.”

Simon’s eyes widened:

“So pigeons really did deliver the mail in the olden days, Mick? How did they know which letter went in the correct pigeon hole?”

Mick sucked in a deep breath:

“Later, young Simon. Now, this postcard ends up in my cousin’s tool bag. It’s addressed to Jim Chalmers and is from Albo. I reckon there is no harm in reading it out, as even the postie reads them.”

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Mick took a decent sip and cleared his throat:

Hey there Jimbo,

I thought I would drop you a line as I’ve got a bit of spare time with this six day trip to China. Xi Jinping and I have become great mates very quickly. He likes to be called
“Big Daddy” or “Uncle Xi”.

We have done most of the touristy stuff. We visited the pandas. Thankfully, they are too big to cuddle. I told him they would hand him a koala to smooch when he visits Oz, but I could not promise it would not piss on him.

Well the trip to the Great Wall of China was an eye opener and fantastic to follow in the footsteps of comrade Gough. I said we would reciprocate with a walk along the Rabbit Proof Fence when he visits, but he did not seem impressed.

We knocked over a couple of tough issues including his guys doing a lap of Australia and firing off some live ammunition. I gave Big Daddy a jab in the ribs and said it would be good if you gave us the “heads up” next time. His English is not great and my Mandarin is non-existent, so we had a laugh and let that one go through to the keeper.

The highlight of the trip was the tucker, Jimbo. We both hate hamburgers and fast food. He reckons it colours your hair orange so we ripped into the local fare like there was no tomorrow.

Big Daddy is big on the fang. At the banquets the Lazy Susan...

Bella, the publican, interrupted:

“How did he spell ‘Susan’?”

Mick ignored the comment:

At the banquets, the Lazy Susan was flat out keeping up — Kung Pao chicken, Peking duck, dumplings, hotpots and a sweet and sour pork to die for. The only dish missing was lemon chicken, but I promised him I would forward the recipe from the Marrickville Chinese Restaurant.

Now, Jimbo, tell the Labor Caucus not to pack lunch for the return to parliament on Tuesday. I’ve got doggie bags aplenty to share amongst the troops. Come to think of it, there is probably enough to share with the much reduced opposition.

And just remind them, Jimbo… ”NO HUBRIS!”

All the best,

Albo

John Longhurst is a former industrial advocate and political adviser. He currently works as an English and History teacher on the South Coast of NSW.