Leaked memo: Abbott's first 100 days in office

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Senior correspondent Barry Everingham has been sent an explosive memo from Tony Abbott to his colleagues, outlining his plans for his first 100 days in office. It has been sent to Everingham anonymously, indicating all is not well in Liberal ranks.

The Leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition

In Confidence – Strictly PRIVATE!

Dear Colleagues,

The results of the latest opinion poll bears out what I have always believed — the public will buy anything.

After all, it went along with the lies and obfuscations of our government under John Howard for many years, which was a huge surprise.

When I was called by a Murdoch journalist and warned of the poll results I decided I needed to let you all know how I plan our first one hundred days in office.

It is obvious we will form government after the next election and I want every one of you to be ready to take this country forward to pure conservative and uncompromising rule.

You will understand I am not able to name the ministries you will be given until the poll is declared – God forbid any of you lose a seat, but you never know.

And there will be an influx of new Members on our side as the poll indicates a wipe out of the socialists.

I need hardly tell each and every one of you this document must never find its way to the press.

The damage done to John and Janette Howard (more of that awesome couple soon) when that fellow Everingham not only got copies of the letters John wrote to Her Britannic Majesty the Glorious Queen of Australia, but had the temerity to publish them in book form.

I, for one, will never forgive Peter Costello for buying copies of the book in bulk and handing them out to visitors.

But back to the future.

The moment the polls are declared I will l go to Government House and have a long and serious discussion with Her Excellency Quentin Bryce and alert her to her future—which will be limited.

I will tell her I will have already put her resignation into the pipe line and that John and Janette have accepted my offer to represent the Australian head of state.

Janette was beside herself and John needed to calm her down – she immediately indicated what their reign would be like by looking longingly at John and saying:

“Darling, the gravy train is again pulling into the station – I need to call my dress maker”.

I gave John an assurance that their status as faux heads of state would make the rorting they perpetrated as joint Prime Ministers fade into insignificance once they were sworn in.

Admiralty House would be their main residence and the salary and tax free status would be returned.

I agreed that the curtsey by women and men executing the Coburg bow to both of them would be mandatory.

You will be pleased to know that no grass is growing under my feet and I have had long and serious discussions with some of our countries most seasoned political operatives.

My unerring belief in orthodox Christianity makes me suspicious of Islam and those who adhere to it and the numbers of Muslims already in our country and those on their way seriously worries me.

With that in mind, I have sought the advice of Australia’s most read and most balanced political commentator Andrew Bolt, whose connections with Israel and Mossad are second to none — of course, my admiration for the uncompromising stance the Israeli’s take when dealing with Islamic forces crossing their borders is total.

There seems to be a bigoted cabal questioning the teaching of Christianity in state run schools. I do not want the minds of children unfortunate enough to be educated in non-Catholic schools to be deprived of a true Christian education, so I have offered Cardinal George Pell – a real intellectual giant – the brief to be an advisor to whomever becomes my Minister for Education.

I want the un-Australian notion of our country abandoning its ties with Great Britain by becoming a republic to be put to bed and will be introducing legislation in the first session of my new Parliament enshrining our Beloved Constitution into what I call a “no adjustment zone”. With that in mind I have asked Professor David Flint and Alan Jones to put their unmatched intelligence together (a kind of marriage of their minds, I guess) to draft legislation which will make it illegal to call for a republic and I have told the couple, or pair, not to hold back when suggesting the penalty for disobedience of that law.

I will be reintroducing legislation making war service to all males between the ages of 18 and 50 compulsory, especially those on unemployment benefits. It is my belief that men on the dole really want to do the best for their country and what better way than to serve it honourably.

We need to revisit Work Choices as well. I was surprised to hear John Howard tell Barrie Cassidy on “Insiders” that I opposed it when his government was drafting it. John got it wrong – I opposed what I thought was the soft  stand the legislation took and fought for it to be toughened up and killing off unions. Under my new legislation penalty rates will be abolished, two weeks annual leave will apply and unfair dismissal legislation will be a thing of the past.

Of course, last but at this stage, not least, the former government’s carbon tax legislation will be trashed and the benefits paid to pensioners will be removed.

In the event that legislation will be blocked I have John Howard’s core promise he will grant a double dissolution, we will go the polls, and we will win.

Our country is too precious to be in the hands of the socialists.

I want the wealthy that provide employment to know they are appreciated and tax reforms in their favour will show then just how much they are.

This is all I have time to discuss at this stage. I welcome your combined thoughts and suggestions.

A further update will be sent in due course.

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