Humans not welcome, says Man in the Moon

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Whatever his name is, he's not entirely happy of our planned visit (Image by Dan Jensen)

News of Australia's plan to visit the moon has somewhat annoyed the natural satellite's only resident, writes Sue Stevenson.

IN BORDER NEWS of a heartening kind, the Man in the Moon has reported that he will not be allowing any Earthlings to land on his home planet until they are able to ensure the people on Earth are living an equitable, good life that is harmonious and not extractive towards the Earth on which they depend.

“People and other living beings over profits,” the Man said firmly.

The comment was in response to recent reports that Australia will join with Washington in attempting a moon landing in 2024, and Mars landings in the future.

He waved his long, eleven-fingered hand in dismissal at the report:

Look at the language from the White House. ‘Conquering those new frontiers’? This is my home! So it's not enough that they've despoiled their own planet with their excessive dick-waggling capitalist need to continue overproducing shit that nobody needs. Now they have to shoot a giant dick through space in order to distract themselves from the boring game of blaming the homeless and jobless.

In a surprisingly socialist tone, the Man in the Moon declaimed passionately from his home located on the Sea of Tranquility about the need for a non-debt-based financial system and the redistribution of taxes. “There is nothing any of you do that deserves such high wages,” he said, a comment that Australia's Finance Minister, Mathias Cormann, decried as “socialist propaganda”. The Man snorted in response that dummy-spitting is a way to deflect from the reality that continual growth on a finite planet ends up in Earth destruction and climate catastrophe.

“Earthlings appear to be quite delusional,” the Man, who works for himself, said, scratching his green, slightly elongated head in confusion. “What do they imagine is going to change by coming here when it is their foundational systems that need changing if they don't want to fry themselves to crisps?”

His green face turning a strange yellow colour, presumably in anger, he stabbed his finger at this reporter's phone and continued:

The presumption that they can just waltz in here. Well, we... ah, I mean I don't want them here. Not when they're so, shall we say, childish. Not when it's so apparent that their view remains lopsided, in slavish obedience to a global economy they themselves created but are now dying to continue worshipping. Until they can give me some kind of sense that the Uluru Statement from the Heart is the kind of worldview they now hold to, I will sadly have to bar their admittance.

When it was suggested that space travel will increase a country's GDP by increasing the people's imaginations and their confidence as consumers, the Man in the Moon snorted once more:

“This is just more dick-waggling, using a country's money on luxuries. The reality is, we don't want them here until they grow up and stop betraying their fellow humans and stop acting like the solar system is their playground.”

When asked to comment further on who exactly he meant by “we”, when he is thought to be the sole inhabitant of the moon, the Man declined to comment.

The Man expressed joy when shown footage of the recent climate strike marches around the world, even shedding a tear when seeing swathes of people of all ages joining young people on the streets in a peaceful protest against governmental inaction.

Clapping his hands in glee as he leant over this reporter's phone to watch video after video, the Man said:

A protest is not just simply a demand to get your stupid governments to stop with the fossil fuels. It is also a strengthening of yourselves in solidarity with each other. Earthlings are often isolated and feel ineffective. The people will need that solidarity in order to face future shocks, to overturn globalisation and have the strength to stop consuming so much bloody stuff.

The Man said that he had travelled to visit Earth on several occasions over the millennia and that he loved what he saw. “Humans are beautiful and co-operative people,” he said, “but it's all gone a little pear-shaped since profit margins have taken over, hasn't it?”

He then added:

I have faith, though, that this is just a bad patch and that humans can get their shit together again. I always knew the proletariat would rise up and take back their society, their town squares, their communities. Of course, it's easy to have my perspective, looking on the blue/green ball as I do from here. It is often the focus of my morning meditation ritual. I do understand the difficulties you Earthlings will have moving forward and throwing off the psycopaths who currently have control. Once you do, I will be very happy to share with you my designs for free energy torsion field creation. I think you will find them very helpful.

When asked for comment on the Man in the Moon's provocative conditions of entry to the moon – which include an increase to the Newstart allowance and the closing down of the world's tax havens – Prime Minister Scott Morrison's customary smirk was replaced by a sneer. “He won't decide who comes to his planet,” Morrison declared. “We won't be moralised to by him,” said Home Affairs Minister, Peter Dutton, when informed that the Man had suggested that going to the moon on money stolen from the NDIS is bad juju.

“If they can't deal with their paranoia at capitalism's ending by doing anything other than punishing the most vulnerable, then I don't want them here,” the Man – whose name is unpronounceable in English – said.

Space travel is a bonus for people who have cleaned up their backyards and reinstated gift economies and disassembled their militaries and closed down offshore detention. Do that first, then travel. If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

You can read more from Sue Stevenson here.

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