'Game on' as the 2025 Election battle escalates

From trench warfare to football, the 2025 Federal Election bears all the strategy and brutality of adversarial conflicts on the battle or sports fields, writes John Longhurst.

BAZZA LANDED the schooners and stepped back:

“Well, let’s call it halftime in the Election. The debates are done and dusted, and it’s just a case of trying to stay awake for the next ten days. Anyhow, with Anzac Day just gone, the Election probably has more in common with trench warfare.”

Puzzled looks all around as Bazza continued:

“Trench warfare was pretty much a consequence of 19th-century battle tactics being overtaken by 20th-century technology. In particular, the development of weaponry meant that advancing troops in a line made no sense when one machine could fire off 600 rounds in a minute. Both sides ‘dug in’ to give themselves time to work out new tactics. No one thought it would take years to work out new strategies.”

Bazza paused for a measured sip:

“After watching the last debate, I could not help but think both leaders have just ‘dug in’. Dutts and Albo seem more intent on lobbing insults in the same way heavy artillery was used to soften up the enemy in WWI. There is nothing too cerebral with those tactics, so it has become an election of attrition. The leadership and brilliance of someone like General John Monash are sadly lacking in this election.”

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Know-all Ron cleared his throat:

All a bit cynical, Bazza. I see it more like the first half of a football match, with about a third of the potential crowd finding something better to do. Now, at the start of the game, Dutts was very happy to run onto the field behind Donald Trump. Unfortunately for Dutts, Trump started playing like a very angry and disoriented Les Boyd, king-hitting not only Opposition players but his own teammates. He even took a swing at the referee as he went for an early shower.

A few chuckles from the boomers and bemused looks from the younger clientele, as Ron paused:

“Anyhow, unlike the Apostle Peter, Dutts did not need to deny knowing Trump three times; he simply said he had never met him. But back to the footy analogy. Dutts now has to do all the attacking and defending as the rest of his side are not match-fit. In fact, I am flat out naming any of them. I feel for the bloke because he lacks a sidestep, is wanting for pace and some of his tackles are a bit high.”

Ron took a decent sip:

Now Albo has spent the first half buzzing around the field and a fair bit of time complaining to the referee. If it was just a match between Albo and Dutts, I would have to say the latter is ahead but it’s not. Albo has a pretty impressive backline with the likes of Jim Chalmers, Penny Wong, Clare O’Neil and Chris Bowen. In fact, if he brought Tanya Plibersek into the attack, he may well have points on the board in the opening minutes of the second half.

The publican, Bella, paused from wiping the table:

“By gee, this is a very blokey chat. From trench warfare to football and even a reference to Peter the Apostle, but at least Ron recognises there are women who can more than hold their own in this election.”

Mick double coughed:

“Let’s not forget Michaelia Cash.”

Bella shook her head and moved to the next table.

John Longhurst is a former industrial advocate and political adviser. He currently works as an English and History teacher on the South Coast of NSW.