Dutton dressed up as Taylor too much meat for voters

Mick learns what a majority group is and wonders whether his face is still the face of modern Australia, writes John Longhurst.

MICK DABBED THE SWEAT from his brow with his handkerchief and called for order as the rabble in the front bar reached a crescendo.

He said:

“All right, All right…. yes…yes the election result was a disaster for the Liberal Party. Anyhow, we need to move forward. First up, I reckon we need a review. Put it all on the table and work out where the boys went wrong.”

Murmurs of agreement and a lone voice up the back:

“We did that last time, Mick, and nothing was implemented.”

Mick sighed and sucked in a deep breath.

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He replied:

I am talking about a root and branch review. It needs to be so thorough that it also looks into the reasons why the last review was not acted upon. I reckon we wheel out a couple of Liberal legends and review away...

I am thinking Abbott and Costello. Okay next up…. thoughts on the leadership. I reckon Angus Taylor is the front runner.

Fewer murmurs of agreement and the lone voice again:

“That is a case of Dutton dressed up as Angus, Mick. Too much red meat for the voters to consume. The reality is, of the forecasted 63 seats won by women at this election, 46 are from the Labor Party and only 7 by the Coalition. The fact that the Teals are predominantly women and pinching seats off us is surely a clue. We need to elect more Liberal women. We don’t need a review of a review to work that one out.”

An extended silence until Old Tom shook himself awake:

“But…but…but…who will make the pumpkin scones if we start sending women to Canberra?”

Loud groans all round and Bella, the publican, shook her head as she continued wiping tables before catching Mick’s attention.

She said:

“Now listen up you blokes and… you are all blokes of a certain age, have a good look into that mirror behind the bar.”

Much jostling and crowning of necks as the assembled clientele competed for reflections.

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Bella continued:

What you see is totally different to the reality outside of this front bar. If you take a walk up the street, catch a bus or a train, you do not see that reflection. For starters, more than fifty percent of faces you will see belong to women.

It is called a "majority group". Furthermore, at this election more than a third of eligible voters were under 44 years of age. Do you think for a moment those faces we see in the mirror reflect modern Australia?

Much scratching of heads as Mick coughed loudly to regain control.

He said to her:

“Ahh… thanks Bella, but you are not a party member. We need to move on…”

Bella beamed and asked:

“WelI… I wonder why, Mick? You know the next meeting of the Parliamentary Liberal Party to decide on a new leader will be a lot like the conclave to elect the next Pope.”

Perplexed looks all round as Bella paused.

She explained:

“I do not think there is much chance those 133 predominantly white male cardinals will emit any pink smoke from the Sistine Chapel at the Vatican following their deliberations.”

Mick tapped the bar table and glared at Bella, then said:

“Enough…Bella. I’m adjourning this meeting and reconvening at the Men’s Shed next Wednesday.”

John Longhurst is a former industrial advocate and political adviser. He currently works as an English and History teacher on the South Coast of NSW.