Humour

Interview with God

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In advance of the Hollywood blockbuster based on his epic novel The Bible, reclusive author God meets with the host of popular US cable show Entertainment this Week, Marty Venkman.

Venkman: We are very lucky to have in the studio with us this week the very famous author and artist God.

Now, God very rarely reveals himself in public, but his books have sold almost 7 billion copies worldwide. They have indeed been translated into almost every language on earth and have never, ever, been out of print. How about that?

Now, on top of that, his works of art can be seen in every part of the world. This is one impressive guy.

God, welcome to Entertainment this Week!

God: Thanks Marty, it's a real pleasure to be here.

Venkman: Now you have sold a lot of books. Unless I'm mistaken, that figure must put The Bible close to the Da Vinci Code?

God: [Laughs.] Well, not quite Marty, but we're very pleased. It's really going very well.

Venkman: Now, I'm sorry, but I have to ask you about your name – God – it's quite unusual. Is that short for something...Gordon, perhaps?

God: Not, it's just God. [Drinks from a glass.] I'm not really sure where the name comes from actually.

Venkman: Hmmm, maybe Spanish?

God: [Shakes head.]

Venkman: Anyway, I've read a lot of your book. I was moved. It's hard to categorise the genre... it feels like it's part autobiography, part adventure, part saga, with mmm... part magical realism and, oh, a lot – a lot – of fantasy. It really is a wonderful work of art. Where do you get your inspiration from?

God: I don't know where it comes from Marty, honestly. The best I can explain it is that, y'know, I hate a blank canvas; if I see one, I just have to fill it in with something, whatever comes to me in that moment. [Drinks.] I don't plan, I just love to create. That what I am, a creator.

Venkman: And what a creator you are. You have a lot of fans, Mr God, eager for your sequel to this work.

God: Well, look. I think this story is pretty much complete and I don't think I'd change a jot or a tittle to be honest. I like it fine just the way it is.

Marty: Well, if you do change your mind, please let Entertainment This Week know first, OK?

God: [Laughes.] You got it, Marty.

Marty: Now, I hear you live at home with your son. Is there a Mrs God?

God: No, Marty, no, I'm very much single but, yes, I do live at home with my boy.

Venkman: Your son, Jesus isn't it? He moved out of home for a while and then moved back in...what happened there, God?

God: Well, yes, he moved out to live with his mother quite a while ago. And um ... everything seemed to be going well, but you know... [Drinks.] ...he sort of fell in with the wrong crowd and well... kinda got himself into a little bit of trouble. It was nothing really, we all do things when we're young, huh? But hey, for someone who was down and out, he has totally come back from the dead. He has risen up and now, his life is great. [God looks at camera.] Jesus if you're watching [gives a thumbs up] I love you son! Be stong! Stay with the programme!

Venkman: That is so touching. Now about you. Big movie coming out...excited? Much?

God: Yeah, well, we're looking forward to it. [Drinks.] I guess I'm not really big into all this whole Hollywood thing. I've been burnt somewhat before you know, like, when I was writing this book. You may not know this, but I actually had several ghost-writers working with me on this book.

Venkman: You know, it did kind of occur to me when I saw all the names in the chapter headings.

God: Yeah, right, well, I was working with this Israeli publisher and, I'll be perfectly frank, the book has never been quite the way I envisioned it... [Drinks] but I guess now it's gone to Hollywood [swigs] things will be even more outta whack.

Venkman: Wow, it is so great to hear you open up finally about this. What happened?

God: Well, for instance, The Bible, in the beginning, it has me creating the heaven and the Earth in just six or seven days, right? [Chuckles, drinks.]

Venkman: Yes, and...

God: Well, in my version, the real version, it was 6 to 7 billion years. [Drinks, wipes his top lip.] Personally, I think they stretched the bounds of, y'know, rational credulity and...and...and...to their credit, hey, look now, don't get me wrong, they read the target audience a lot better than me. They bought it. The public bought it in spades. Hey! Unbelievable. But it left a sour taste. Real sour. Yeah. [Drinks deeply, turns to look to the side, off camera.]

Venkman: And the new movie version...

God: Three days. Three frickin' days to part the lightness and the gawddarn dark, to create the heaven and the earth, the land and the sea, the fishies and the little animals and the creepy things that crawl over the ground and all those other little bats and birdies that fly in the sky... three days. Just three frickin' gawdarn days. Well, I don't agree with it, but the studio are paying me to do this interview, yep, so just keep on recording. Yep. [Drinks deeply.]

Off screen voice: That's enough, Cut. [Picture of God shakes.] Cut. That's enough for today. [Vision goes dark and static hiss as recording ends.]

[Cuts back to Venkman back in the studio.]

Venkman: Well that was my interview with the big fish God. It just goes to show that even for those at the top, life can produce some surprising revelations. That there can be trouble in paradise for even those we worship and adore. Get well God, we all hope to see you back amongst us soon.  
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