Truffles, Canavan, Kelly and McSween shine in Australia's galah week of stupid

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Renewables is killing people in their beds, says obscure Liberal Party backbencher Craig Kelly (Image screenshot @SkyNewsAust)

In a week full of innovative not-racism and under a bright (coal-powered) full moon, political editor Doc Martin looks for some serious in amongst all the stupid.

IT HAS BEEN a great week for ‘not-racists, but’ in Australian politics this week. In a widely-reported speech, former prime minister and unindicted war criminal John Howard praised the completely “not racist” Donald Trump and promised to eat a lump of coal to prove it’s good for humanity.

It’s funny how ex-prime ministers and soon-to-be ex-prime ministers like to channel ex-prime ministers to make the point that Australia is not living in the past – no, not at all – and that both fossil fuels and fossil fools have a bright future.

So, let’s start with that fossil fool John Winston Howard. You could be forgiven for thinking that he should have died of shame already, but news emerged this week that he is alive and and offering up his 19th Century opinions to anyone prepared to pay the price of admission to a gathering hosted by Australia’s second favourite thinktank for rightwing dipshits and shills, the United States Studies Centre, which survives on taxpayer funds granted by JWH himself while he was in power.

Little Johnny Eyebrows waxed lyrically about how Australians shouldn’t “rush to judge” President Trump. The ex-PM says we should work with the Donald and that it was unlikely he would blow up the world in the next week or so. After that, though, Howard speculated, it’s anybody’s guess what the orange lunatic would do.

Howard’s comments on coal have been less reported, but a recording given to unnamed sources by other unnamed sources reveals the following:

“I certainly don’t think coal’s racist, if that’s what you’re inviting me to say. I certainly don’t believe that.”

We started the week with our current soon-to-be-ex Prime Minister, Fizza Trumble out of the country on a visit to a relic of the past — the British monarchy. He collected a prize from the UK equivalent of the political Flat Earth Society for being a good colonial boy and upholding the totally "not racist, but" traditions of the White Australia Policy.

While there, Fizza also made a frank and full admission that he is living in the past and that he is also a total and utter hypocrite. Turnbull claims to have inherited the coal-tainted crown of Pig Iron Bob as the leader of a broad church that is seriously not in flames, or in danger of being turned into so much rubble by his predecessor, Two-Punch Tony.

In a scenario that his loyal subjects know well – when confronted with the uncomfortable truth that he has no principles to speak of – Turnbull performed an amazing double somersault with a pike, a twist and face plant while keeping both well-shod feet firmly in his well-fed gob.

In a remarkable display of alacrity and nimble agility he innovated a new position for himself as an Elizabethan Republican. Keeping his sickening trademark rictus grin firmly glued his smarmy-shiny face, Lord Malcolm the Mighty Might — he not pledged loyalty to a head of state that he is publicly committed to deposing sometime during his fifth term in office, or when hell freezes over.

And just in case you doubt Fizza’s determination to seek a fifth term, Malcolm has promised – some would say threatened – to be PM for “a very long time”. To make sure no one would miss this comment, he made it from a safe distance, from which he also poked fun at his predecessor, Two-Punch Tony. Fizza the Brave, unable to command his troops at home, spoke freely from behind an armoured lectern, 16,791 kilometres out of harm’s way.

In a follow-up joke, it has also been suggested this week that Two-Punch might make a good High Commissioner in London, where he would replace "Stockings" Downer as the obnoxious drunk Australian offering to fight any punter who mistakenly wanders into the Crown and Kangaroo in Earl’s Court.

In fairness, he would be good at that, but Tony could not be reached for comment. He was last seen heading into confession with Gorgeous George, following the latter’s recall from the Vatican to deal with unfinished business in Victoria.

Fizza’s London comments went down very well at home where acting (in every sense) Prime Minister Bananaby Joyous was delicately balancing a pie and a beer, while talking through his hat about the beauty and benefits of clean coal.

A number of government loyalists were prepared to stick their heads above the newly-constructed dingo fence at Parliament House to whisper hoarse words of support for the Fizza, but the shock jocks were having none of it.

The queen of Sydney radio, Alan Jones, offered up a noose to anyone in the Liberal camp who backed Turnbull and then he sacked Environment Minister Josh Fraudenband live on air. Mr Jones is known to keep a sack of chaff bags handy and I have it on quiet authority that he has engaged Rumpelstiltskin to stitch the names of Fizza loyalists on them in gold thread, in anticipation of a mass drowning of the unwanted puppies in the coalition.

Meanwhile, Bananaby said he was committed to Australia’s clean energy future – just as long as this bright new tomorrow included his favourite snack, clean coal. This seems to be the COALition’s collective stance on this issue.

Minister for Resources Mate’s Caravan has taken the long-handled coal shovel to this issue in the last few days:

This brave and honest statement of the bleedingly obvious contradiction was immediately seized upon by loyal LNP drones in the ministry and beyond who took the trouble, in a spirit of well-meaning scare-mongering and the spreading of bullshit, to remind us that without glorious coal tens of thousands of pensioners would die of cold (not coal’d) this winter. The chair of the Government’s Climate and Energy Committee, permanent backbencher Craig "Cold Kills" Kelly warned us that relying on renewables will hurt our most vulnerable.

When it was pointed out to Kelly that it was more likely that pensioners would die because of cuts to their pensions and health care benefits, he invoked the spell “Gina, Shenhua, Twiggy, Adani” and all of the Government’s problems blew away in a puff of gritty smoke.

It was also a good week for Australia’s coal-loving not-racists in the media. There’s almost too many highlights to choose for a highlights reel, but I’m willing to have a stab at a top three.

The terminally unfunny satirist Rowan Dean is in medal contention with his charming and funny comment that Race Discrimination Commissioner Tim Soutphommasane should “hop on a plane and go back to Laos”, if he doesn’t like “multicultural” Australia.

Two hilarious things about this statement:

  1. Tim was born in France so he can’t go “back” to Laos, unless he’s been there on a holiday, which is possible (the "yucks" should be rolling down your face by now); and
  2. The multicultural Australia that Rowan Dean wants is one where all the English, Irish and Scottish folk get on with each other and celebrate St Patrick’s Day, Hogmanay and Christmas with Guinness and a good craic. This is fine as long as the Irish don’t get too upset at the jokes made at their expense – you know about rooting leprechauns and stupid Paddy the labourer.

Rowan Dean’s comments were so funny that even his totally "not racist, but" fellow presenters on the unwatchable Sky News channel were forced to die laughing too as they quickly ran away from the dumpster fire.

In an attempt to distract the lefty Twitterati echo chamber from its attacks on the psychotic Mr Bean of Australian satire, the equally fragrant and delightful Ms Prue MacSween, a veteran PR maven, helpfully offered to run over a Muslim woman who she then described – in a genuinely "not racist, but" way – as a “flea”. This quickly became a top contender.

When McSqueeze was called out on her totally hilarious and "not racist, but" comment she gave another direct and humorous response in which she totally didn’t apologise for exercising her right to free hate speech. We all nearly choked on our smashed avo bagels.

In third place, but in no way disgraced in such company, is the convicted racist and Dutch oven lover, Andrew Bolt.

He had a terrific exchange with conservative light on the hill and world-leading "not-racist, but" Senator Cory Bernardi this week in which they sought to resurrect the White Australia Policy:

You see, the WAP was a good idea that could be supported by both the liberal and the conservative wings of the Liberal Party, it was just badly worded.

If everyone would only stop talking about that discredited and slightly racist concept of race and, instead focussed on the totally "not racist, but" trope of “culture”, then the White Australia policy makes perfect sense.

You see, said the erudite Blot, Australia has a white culture and it is so good that even brown people should adopt it.

I can see a great future in this line of reasoning and it’s one that all coal-loving non-racists should get behind. In fact, if it were adopted we could find another use for clean coal: when ground into coal dust we can use it for making black-face.

In fact, black-face could be our new national costume, it honours our First Peoples and it would make all the brown people feel much more at home.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

Coal, Coal, Coal!

Yep, I’ll drink to that.

POSTSCRIPT: I thought I was finished with all the stupids this week, but then, at the 11th hour, Fizza tops the lot with a zinger of his very own.

Yes, our innovative, agile Prime Minister thinks he can overrule mathematics and physics with the “law of Australia”.

Get in the fucking bin!

You can follow political editor Dr Martin Hirst on Twitter @ethicalmartini.

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