Tess Lawrence bio
Another day in Federal Parliament with our politicians behaving like political sluts.

No. I won't be apologising anytime soon. They're asking for it. Look at the way they address.

And just like the Slut Walks reclaimed the word 'slut', I am urging Australians to take to the streets and reclaim the word 'politician'.

In fact, I am asking the Body Politic itself, to reclaim this misappropriated word that in yesterday's Senate Estimates Hearing, was centuries away from any notion of Aristotle's 'Polettiques'

If Sepp Blatter can be unanimously re-elected for a third term to the scandal-mired FIFA presidency, then there is surely hope for Parliamentary reform.

Little did Toronto police Constable Michael Sanguinnetti know what he was about to ignite, when he advised a personal security class at York University in January this year that women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimised.

"Slut Walk" demonstrations
Tell that to the 86 year old woman who was abducted and raped in the Clayton area in February this year.

The Constable's remark reminded me of similar police advice given in Victoria to Indian students targeted in a spate of attacks and robberies. They were counselled to not bring attention to themselves, not speak loudly, not wear jewellery, and not display their mobile phones or laptops.

It's a wonder they weren't told to bleach their skin.

The point is, if Indian students aren't safe, neither are the rest of us.

On the other hand, Const Sanguinnetti, obviously oblivious to those who enjoy uniform fetishes, inspired women (and men) around the world, Oz included, to take part in protest marches where many defiantly dressed in what is perceived to be 'sluttish' attire but what in truth was sometimes indistinguishable from every day dress and yer average video clip.

In other countries such adornment would have seen the wearers executed, stoned to death, set alight and raped. They would have been begging for it.

But the point was made.

In Australia we're civilised and we tolerate our pollies wearing fishnet stockings. And I'm not talking women here.

In England's politics, it's almost mandatory. Who cares? I don't. What I care about is the calibre of Australian governance. I'm really fretting about it. And I know I'm not on my Pat Malone.


BUSHBY MEOWS PENNY PURRS - ALL POLLISPEAK


So pardon me when I say that yet again in Parliament we were short changed by the inane exchange between Finance Minister Penny Wong and Tasmanian Senator David Bushby who meowed whilst Penny was purring. It's all pollispeak.

Ms Wong took umbrage at this. Onya Penny. I'm with you, Sista.

Umbrage turned into imbroglio as everyone else put in their two-penn’orth, especially at Question Time where the government strapped on the wunderbra and pointed the boobs back at Team Abbott. And they're still doing it today. In for a Penny, in for a pounding.

In Melbourne, Jon Faine opened his show with the subject.

Now, I'm not angling for either a femocracy or a menocracy; just rather keen to see democracy reinstated. It's becoming a shadow government of its former self.

Sorry Ms Money Penny but meow, grrrs, hisses and purrs, and hands mimicking cats claws and quotation marks is everyday language. Get off ya bike. Check out social network sites. Listen up on conversations. Eavesdrop.

I remember Julie Bishop making cat claws at Julia Gillard in 2008. Julia was Deputy PM then. And she was hot. And whenever Prime Minister Kevin Rudd went overseas, Julia slipped ever so competently into his brogues. I remember thinking, 'Eee by gum, that wee lass will make a fine Prime Minister some day'.

How wrong can you be?

Julia Bishop with claws out
BISHOP GIRLIE - WONG'S GOT BALLS

At the time Bishop was the Opposition's Treasury spokesperson. She tried to justify her clawing gestures by mewing "When people are carrying on in Question Time and getting personal and vicious, it's just a little thing that I do....suggesting the girls should put the claws away."

Isn't she gorgeous? Bishop's just a little bit girlie, really. Wong's got more balls.

Why is it that strong women are complimented for their strength by being awarded honorary male genitals?

David Ben-Gurion always thought that Golda Meir was the only man in the cabinet. Later, this was said of Margaret Thatcher. I think Maggie was even made an honorary man on a visit to Saudi Arabia. Kings will do that. Except if you're a Saudi woman.

Let's stop beating about the Bushby, Minister Wong. On Fran Kelly's show this morning you said that you accepted Bushby's apology and admitted that you had 'just reacted to the moment to what was said' and that you'd moved on. As if. You took Bushby's furball and ran with it. Even if it was an own goal by the drongo.

You moved on alright; onto Abbott's past references about Prime Minister Julia Gillard and his subtext loaded phrases like 'making an honest woman' and ..'no means no'. You've said you were surprised at the "furore" ignited by your response to Bushby. Pull the other claw, Penny.

Bushby gave you and members of your Government the opportunity to rip into the Opposition's many snide comments about Gillard's 'marital status' and accoutrements. And you know it Catwoman. You're behaving like the cat who got the creaming.

Let's not bother starting on the rabid insults that spew forth from pollies of various political preferences.

I think I know what has happened with the Bushby-Wong thing. Same thing as what's happening with the Abbott-Gillard thing. It's Freud's fault. No question.

The world is full of women who believe themselves to be castrated men. It's nothing more than penis envy.

The world is full of men who secretly crave to be women and feel themselves to have been burdened with clitoral and hairy extensions. I don't know why anyone hasn't asked me about this before now.

The likes of Opposition Leader Tony Abbott and Senator Bill Heffernan look at Ms Gillard and that sturdy bod of hers and they just don't get why she doesn't interrupt her menstrual cycle to have a wee bairn. Or six.

Or that she doesn't think highly enough of the male gender to marry one.

PREGNANT MISSUS PRIME MINISTER - LEADER AND THE SWAN


Think what a pregnant Missus Prime Minister would do for our family of pollies. Tones and Bill think that if you're fecund, you should be barefoot and pregnant and in the House. They take Julia's wilful disregard for societal Norms and Normas as a slight on their manhood.

If Julia is worried about her figures, she could always get a surrogate. She's already got one in

Bill Shorten. He's got wonderful parenting skills.

'Leda and the Swan' by Leonardo
But then, there's always the fable of Leader and the Swan. He's good with figures. He's got strong genes. Look at how he stood up to Singapore Inc and protected our ASX.

I wouldn't be surprised if Christopher Pyne, that 'mincing poodle' as Julia affectionately calls him ended up being Godmother. One thing about poodles is that they don't moult. Good for people with allergies.

Tony would undoubtedly organise for everyone to come down in the next baby shower and recommend that everyone born in the year of Julia's babes would get extra parenting allowances.

Little Marky Arbib would get all clucky with his CIA mates; probably organise some disposable designer range nappies and bibs with his 'USA1OZ2 ArBibs R US' logo. Gee the Southern Cross looks grouse on the Stars and Stripes.

Bill would take up knitting booties for sure. They'd all get in touch with their feminine side. Even the women.

PUSSY PARLIAMENT & MUFF MAFIA'


The fact is, that there are a number of jokes circulating in Canberra and elsewhere about the sexual proclivities and preferences of some of our female politicians. The interest and intrigue seems more prurient than that directed towards their male counterparts.

And we know for a fact that they fantasize about things because of the promises they make to us.

You will hear phrases such as 'pussy parliament' or 'muff mafia' used about our women pollies — and women in leadership.

We're probably due for a gender re-alignment in Federal and State politics in terms of attitude.

I think some counselling wouldn't go astray. If we demand it of our Defence Forces, our sports organisations and corporations and institutions, we should demand no less from our Parliaments.

All of this continues to diminish our respect for parliamentarians, and confirms the general despair at the lack of leadership and governance.

It's more than women or men behaving badly. It's about our Governments behaving badly.

Here in Victoria, Liberal Deputy Leader Louise Asher has, according to the ABC, held an 8 second press conference to explain the reason she missed voting in State Parliament last night was because she was asleep. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

She's the second female MP to have missed a vote within days. Last week, Community Services Minister Mary Wooldridge missed a vote.

Their absence from the tightly-cast House has triggered a plethora of jokes about women — and about politicians.

But ultimately, the joke's on us. We the people.  

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