Malcolm and Barnaby's bizarre prenuptial agreement

By | | |
The odd couple (Image via @I_stand_for)

The Liberal and National parties have a marriage contract; it's time Malcolm Turnbull reviewed the prenup, says Jim Pembroke.

“I, Malcolm Bligh Turnbull, take thee, Barnaby Thomas Gerard Joyce to be my lawful Coalition partner, to have and to hold, from this day forth...”

Whoa! Is that even legal in Australia? No, no it is not.

In any event, before National Party leader Barnaby Joyce would agree to say, “I do”, he pulled out a prenuptial agreement for Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull to sign — right there at the altar. Wow, what a romance killer!

Like a bride-to-be forced to accept a “prenup” three days before the wedding, the Prime Minister was put under considerable duress. But there he stood, on the brink of the most meaningful day of his life. So, like a starry-eyed sweetheart, he agreed to anything, just to win the love of his life — the prime ministership.

As is the case with many modern premarital agreements, the one the PM signed with Barnaby Joyce contained lifestyle clauses. Hollywood celebrities are notorious for including these weird conditions in their prenups. Those "love contracts" cover all types of behaviour, from drug taking to sex schedules and even limits on how much weight a partner can gain.

Bizarrely, the Coalition agreement contains a particularly queer infidelity clause. According to this contract, Malcolm Turnbull is not allowed to marry anyone in the LBGTQIA+ community. Well, at least not until he's conducted a half a billion dollar plebiscite.

Most of the crazy lifestyle clauses A-list power couples sign up to are unenforceable in Australia. So, no, you can't be fined for not having sex with your partner multiple times a week. Not so with the Coalition's own lifestyle clause. Malcolm desperately needs his union with the National Party to work. If Barnaby Joyce says a section of the Australian community can't be betrothed, then the Prime Minister will have to enforce that for as long as he can.

Unfortunately, prenup regret is all too common. For starters, where's the trust? It assumes things will go wrong. And if you have no faith in the relationship, they usually do.

Recently, the situation started to unravel for Malcolm and Barnaby. News Corp columnist Andrew Bolt, playing a shady, divorce detective who gave up doing the right thing a long time ago, obtained a tape, revealing possible evidence of infidelity. On the secret recording, Defence Industry Minister Christopher Pyne is caught allegedly “bragging” about a parlimentary vote on same-sex marriage — a direct defiance of the agreement.

"It might even be sooner than everyone thinks,” he said.

Sensing some kind of treachery, all hell broke loose, as conservatives across the nation took turns flaying the minister.

National Party Senator John Williams reminded the Liberals about the Coalition agreement and warned Malcolm Turnbull that he signed the prenup.

“I know that it is in the Coalition agreement, a signed agreement between Nats and Liberals by Barnaby Joyce and Malcolm Turnbull,” Williams said.

Senator Williams might know what's in the agreement but the deal is a secret kept from the rest of us. So, we are left to imagine what the lifestyle clause involving same-sex marriage might look like

I, _____________________________, the undersigned, agree that: in the highly unlikely event of my gaining some moral authority over the Liberal Party, after relinquishing most of my core values and adopting as many right-wing conservative policies as is necessary to maintain the leadership of said Party, will do all that is necessary to thwart, delay or refuse any parliamentary vote that might lead to marriage equality in Australia. Notwithstanding this, I will continue my public support for a really expensive, divisive, non-binding plebiscite that will happily enable marriage equality to be kicked further along the road until the National Party can think of another delaying tactic.

Signed ..........................................

Date …..........................................

As in the case of Malcolm Turnbull and Barnaby Joyce, prenuptial agreements often allow the powerful to entrench their hold over the vulnerable. And Malcolm Turnbull's support in the electorate has been precarious for some time. The Liberals standing in the polls shows the Coalition prenup is not holding up.

Maybe, it's time the Prime Minister revised his marriage contract with the National Party. It's pretty clear that the voters think his prenup needs a postnup makeover.

Read more from Jim Pembroke on his blog jimselbow.wordpress.com, or follow him on Twitter @Jim_Pembroke.

Creative Commons Licence
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Australia License

Monthly Donation


Single Donation


Subscribe to IA. It's not broken.

Recent articles by Jim Pembroke
Parliament faces a new year but it's still the same old circus

Malcolm Turnbull says this year will be different. Jim Pembroke is not a trapeze ...  
Terror bomb plot: Quick Australia, get under the doona covers!

Jim Pembroke ponders Malcolm Turnbull's impressive fear-mongering that has accom ...  
Peter Dutton thinks World Domination (insert maniacal laugh)

Immigration Minister Peter Dutton is acquiring widespread, unchecked powers. Jim ...  
Join the conversation
comments powered by Disqus

Support IAIndependent Australia

Subscribe to IA and investigate Australia today.

Close Subscribe Donate