Contributing editor-at-large Tess Lawrence wanted to be the first to sign up to Dr Bernardi Anti Panty Bestiality Party, but was beaten to it by his many groupies.

FOR AGES NOW, I have had the hottest hots for Senator Cory Bernardi. I have made no secret of this.

It is not true that there is no love in lust.

He has hot cross buns, has he not?

I am not alone. Legions of Australians feel the same. Millions of others refuse to come out of the gay closet and admit they are straight. They are made to feel ashamed and are forced to hide their hetrosexuality.

I am thrilled to bits that he might leave the camp liberals to start up his own party, the "Dr Bernardi Anti Panty Bestiality Party". Vanity political parties are wonderful vehicles for those of us who are emotionally needy for tribal connections.

Senator Dr St Bernardi – who has been awarded multiple honorary doctorates in zoology, theology, paganism, tatting and onanism, quite rightly conferred upon him by scores of intellectually reputable universities funded by Christian evangelists – took proper umbrage at the improper imbroglio that saw the shameless gay marriage sympathiser and fellow liberal Malcolm Turnbull replace gay marriage denier Prime Minister Abbott, with his handsome self.

(Image via adelaidenow.com.au)

That Turnbull would turn is written in the stars and all the dominions of heaven and hell, Purgatory and Prague, Limbo, Limbo High and Limbo Low and Limbo Upper, the tea leaves, as well as Nostradamus, and is even endemically written in Malcolm's own surname.

He was always for turning. Hence, Turn....Moreover, beastliness is also in his name.

Hence ... bull. Turnbull's entomology = an inherited predisposition for turning towards things beastly. Some argue it's not his fault and that it's in his jeans.

All this left Dr Bernardi with an horrible taste in his mouth and no alternative but to rail against this awful prelude to compulsory bestiality and led him to form his own party. Or join his political, intellectual and religious homies, Family First. The greater of two Goodies. Better the angels we know than the angels we don't.

I so wanted to be the first to sign up to the DBAPBP, but I was pipped at the fencepost not once, but twice. Firstly, by thousands of chanting Cory devotees wearing goathair shirts and making the sign of the cross on the enrolment forms, on the foreheads of unbaptised babies, on letterboxes, trains, bus stops, bustiers and buskers and lollipop ladies.

Secondly, by the man who has made a second career out of being a former premier, boofhead Jeff Kennett, who was found frothing at the hip and in a state of high excitement, spontaneously levitating and combusting in outrage of Malcolm Turnbull from Minister to Prime Minister.

In stern, fatherly style, Mr Kennett, now frothing ectoplasm, wisely pointed out Mr Turnbull's "extreme egotism".

Of course, Mr Kennett has long divested himself from any ego, as his years as Victoria's Premier – and since – indisputably attest. In fact, friends and supporters have constantly urged him to not be so reticent in voicing his opinions to media and anyone who will listen. Incumbent politicians could learn so much from Jeff who is the very model of modesty itself.

However, at the other end of Jeff's Alcatraz Number One haircut, the distraught man was doing involuntary number twos whilst understandably and sensibly professing out loud that he would never vote for Turnbull. No hard right thinking person would.

I was able to read his thoughts via pressing a picture of Dr Bernardi dressed as an easter bunny, close to my heart and thus became instantly imbued with super nova and supernatural powers and able to channel Mr Kennett.

Jeff's thoughts were not entirely intelligible to me, I am sorry to say, but that is because I have not been spiritually cleansed and I have the IQ of an hairpin. But nonetheless, despite this impediment that I have had from several rebirths, one of his thoughts powered through the spiritual static. The writing was well and truly on the ouija board. Kennett gives strong karma.

Jeff was thinking he would join Dr Bernardi's party, since it afforded the only means for him to ultimately achieve his ambition to become prime minister of Australia, after party founder Dr Bernardi has his turn, of course. If that didn't work, he would join Family First — the Party for thinking Christians and those who prefer speaking in tongues, including politicians.

Mr Kennett's entirely rational and pathalogical dislike of Mr Turnbull should be as a red flag to us all, indeed to the world, since his Kmart government, and premiership of Victoria, provided planet Earth with such a template of good governance and ambulance despatch service that try as they might, acknowledged world's best practice leaders like Saturn's Vladimir Putin and Pluto's Robert Mugabe have failed to replicate.

The sooner that Senator Dr St. Bernardi and Jeff Kennett join forces and register the Dr Bernardi Anti-Panty Bestiality Party, the better a place this world will be.

When in doubt, I often ask what would Jesus do. But in political matters, I always look to St Bernardi and Kommandant Kennett to provide guidance and comfort.

If only Cory Bernardi and Jeff Kennett could persuade my second favourite columnist in the whole wide world, Andrew Bolt, to also join the Dr Bernardi Anti-Panty Bestiality Party, then this holy trinity of three wise men could pool their formidable intellectual powers and restore the world upon its moral axis.

Mr Bolt has bravely condemned the turncoat Turnbull for stealing Tony Abbott's job.

Just because in the past Tony Abbott once stole Turnbull's job is no excuse. No tat for tit.

It is inspiring to find such righteous moral outrage amongst a sordid media that is a cesspool of immorality and repository for sellebrity soft porn.

In ending let me say this. It is non-christians and people of colour who are entirely responsible for all the world's troubles and the breakdown of society, civilisation and the family unit as we know it.

Yours in Christ.

DISCLOSURE: Tess Lawrence was a whistleblower in Victoria's notorious Intergraph Scandal that contributed to the downfall of the out-of-touch Kennett Government.

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